What do you expect?

[Crystallizedring]

If your partner works full time do you expect them to do anything at home if you are the SAHP?
If you have a child with complex additional needs (and lots of appointments) is it acceptable to ask for help?
Or do you just get on with it and find a way to cope?
We have 3 children, one is working, doing an apprenticeship, one is 16 doing GCSEs and one is nearly 4. Youngest two have ASD but DC2 is high functioning. DC3 is low functioning and will probably never live independently. I've only just become a SAHM and am struggling a bit but don't really think I can ask for help when DH is working and I'm not.

DH definitely did his share of housework and cooking. You are working looking after the kids. Why should you have to do all the kid stuff and the house stuff too?
I never had to ask though...

Not gonna be the answer you're looking for, but in our case, yes I get on and cope. Dh would help if I needed it of course, he's had to in the past when I've had my own medical experiences. But day to day, everything in the home and child wise falls to me. He's not intellectually or emotionally inactive to the dc, he'll follow up and want to know about all appointments and meetings, plus of course their day to day, but isn't a physical presence. When he's home he's all about the dc and being with them, not so much cooking or getting up in the night 😅

Unfortunately the set-up is one parent needs to be home and the other has to work. He was the highest earner so it made sense for him to take that role. Due to his work, it does mean he's very physically absent, long hours and usually a few nights away a week.

And yes, I think due to how we've split the roles over the years, if I need help, I would have to verbally ask for it, otherwise he'd be oblivious. But if I did ask, he would do what he could.

If you're new to being a sahp due to a child's needs, make sure you do ask for help, and set time aside for yourself. It's easy to lose yourself when you're caring for a disabled child.

Long term SAHM here. Partner WFH full time so this might not be applicable to you but I think it all depends on your schedule and who is feeling more / less stressed and flexing with each other. Communication is so important sometimes we come unstuck - eg I’ve assumed he can help me get the children ready for preschool / school on a Monday morning. He can’t he has an important deadline and leaps out of bed to work. So I haven’t had a shower the night before knowing I won’t have help. Or done the lunches etc so it’s all stressful and I’m behind..

We try to talk at the weekend about what’s coming up in the following week, if he knows some days he’ll have to work late due to calls etc he tells me, or if there are big deadlines. If I need him to do a school run or cover my preschooler so I can help at school etc he does that if he can. We can plan food accordingly and have a ready meal on the nights I’m juggling a lot by myself. Big things like gardening / fixing stuff etc we do at thr weekend. Any time I have to myself in the day I use to do things I can’t do successfully with the children around like admin / present buying / holiday planning / bill paying / online food shop. The house isn’t spotless but cleaning can be done whilst the children are around. When my partner finishes work we both help each other do dinner / clearing up / bedtime and try make sure evenings are free to do as we please (although often 8.30/9 onwards!) that way there is no resentment as you both have downtime which is SO important as both have days we feel frazzled but in different ways.

I've had a couple of comments from DH DH asking why things haven't been done. Not in a nasty way but sort of exasperated.
That's why I wondered if I could ask for help or if it was a bit of a piss take when I'm home.
I'm hoping it's just the adjusting is difficult and I'll get better at doing more once I get in to more of a routine.

Thankfully my partner is really laid back and would never ask why housework isn’t done, why I haven’t cleared up etc if I haven’t had time, he just leaves me to the back it. But then he also wouldn’t notice if the bathroom hadn’t done for weeks or if something was lying on the floor and needed to picked up, or the bin needed changing etc so it’s swings and roundabouts. I couldn’t handle being chased a lot though life is pretty boring as a SAHM if you’re constantly just doing housework I don’t want to feel like his housekeeper

Of course you should ask for help if you feel you need it.

I've been a sahm for 13 years now, was expecting 3rd then, now have 6. 2nd has high functioning asd, diagnosed after 6th was born. I do the bulk of household stuff and childcare as dh works away from home and I like to give him minimal jobs to do so he can spend more of his time at home with the kids. If he were home every day I would expect him to do more but never 50/50 as that would be unfair.

It all goes back to equal leisure time in my opinion OP. It isn't about who does what as long as everyone contributes and has equal time to spend as they choose, even if that means just one hour a week each.

Some flexibility is good. E.G. say the laundry is always your task, but because your high needs child wasn't well that week you didn't get round to the laundry and instead worked your arse providing hands on care. You'd still be entitled to a break if you're husband is also having some downtime. Maybe he'd do it that week whilst you're having a walk and coffee etc.