SAHD and finances

[BrimfulofSasha]

My partner and I would like to try for a baby in the next couple of years (both mid 30s so time not on our side.
current financial situation, we both earn about the same, only he is at the top of his earning potential and can only earn that if he keeps commuting in the city. I could potentially double (again) my income over the next 5-10 years, currently commute (not London) 3-4 days a week. We both have similar equity in houses worth a similar amount. I have a teenage child from a previous relationship.

the London life is killing him and he feels he can only keep doing it a couple more years. We have discussed if/when we have a child he would be a SAHD. I’m thinking of 6 months maternity so I can physically recover and then going back to work so he can stay at home.
finances means we could be comfortable on my salary. I can pay mortgage, Run two cars, save for holidays, and rainy days… and also put a little away in his pension while he is taking care of baby/the house.

Im happy with this, I love my job, it’s good money and mostly low stress. Most of my stress comes from balancing home life while we both work long hours and commute. If I could come home to meals prepared and laundry done I’d be less stressed.

thoughts currently are he would be the main homemaker until baby starts school then pick up his own business. I’ll keep working full time until his business picks up enough for me to drop to 4 days a week.

my question is how can I make sure he is protected financially.

p.s he is great around the home with cooking, cleaning, organising, DIY and with my daughter so have no concerns about his ability.

also any tips on maki g sure he isn’t socially isolated, he is an outdoorsy introvert

I would think very carefully before agreeing to this arrangement.

If you were to split up further down the line, would he expect to get custody of the children as their primary carer? While you end up paying him maintenance and seeing the kids less?

Very important to pay into a private pension scheme for him, but think also about what protections you would have in place for your own income. E.g. what would happen if you become unable to work due to illness or disability? What would happen if you were made redundant etc.

Also, are you both on the same page about how much of the domestic load the SAHP should take on? Some SAHPs see their role as being about childcare and expect the WOHP to share equally in the housework. Some WOHPs expect the SAHP to do absolutely everything at home.

How will finances work between you? Will he have equal access to family money? Are you on the same page with regard to spending and lifestyle choices?

What happens if his own business doesn't take off? Will he be expected to go back to work if he can't make a go of it, and what timescales would you each consider reasonable for this?

What happens if either of you change your mind at a later date, e.g. if he decides that he hates being at home or if you decide that you're fed up being the sole breadwinner?

It can work if you are both in full agreement on how it's going to be, but make sure you've really thought it through before you commit.

By marrying him and giving him the added protection should you eventually separate. By paying the maximum amount a non earner can pay into his pension which actually isn't much. By having all money as joint money in joint account. Basically by working finances in the same way we would be telling a SAHM if she were here asking the same questions

Thanks mrsB these are exactly the sort of conversation prompts I was after.
of course we will do a lot of hashing over before any decision is made.

We are both chartered professionals so as long as we both keep our CPD up he should be able to return to work if he wishes. I worked 7 days a week when my DD was young as I was a single parent so I guess I’m kind of used to the chaos and work involved in being a WOHM and doing all the house stuff. I don’t know what it’s like to not do everything 😂

we currently only live together Friday to Monday as he lives at his own house in the week as the commute is easier. This would obviously change going forward. Which also brings up the issue of not needing the two houses and all the options involved in that. Do we live in mine and sell, air bnb, rent out his? Does the sale of this become his F off fund (6 figures), do we sell both and buy together? So much to consider.

more finances, all money would be family money, with the exception that our own savings pre-child would be our own. Savings built together would be joint.

as for his business, he does it as a side hustle now and I know it could be lucrative and a way for him to contribute with little time effort so could do this when baby is still young. I guess I feel with careers nothing is ever permanent so there should always be room for flex. My industry and qualifications mean I can get good paying work anywhere no matter what the economy is doing. His is more niche.

again, thank you for the effort of the detail I really appreciate it

I would try living together in either one or others property or rent 7 days a week fully together, before you start trying for a baby.

I'm not sure that you can know a person warts and all until you're fully living with them, and someone has to clean the bathroom and take out the rubbish on a weekly basis.

What age is DD ?

Thanks Rookie. Of course that makes total sense. And we will when the project he is currently working on comes to a close and his hours are less crazy. And the baby making is not happening for a while yet. We are just hashing out how we can make the best decisions for our relationship and family at this stage and I wanted input so we can have all options and considerations on the table.

DD is 14… another consideration. No baby to be born before her gcse exams

or A levels?

If we had a baby sooner it might disrupt her GCSEs and further education, if we waited until after college/6th form I might be too old (40) hell, we might not be able to even get pregnant anyway!

I did this. Has been a disaster to be honest (see some of my threads).

1. I found it harder emotionally than i thought
2. DP is crap round the house
3. DP didn't enjoy being a SAHP when DS was little - so DS went to nursery for some of the time (which i resented) - partly this is because a lot of the SAHM weren't that welcoming (weren't any other SAHDs) or DP didn't bond 4)DP needed a break at weekends- so effectively i'd work 5 days and then look after DS 2 days
4. It is harder to manage childcare at school age potentially so period may stretch
5. it is quite pressurised to be the sole breadwinner
6. it totally changes the dynamics between you

Some of this you'll know being a parent already.
If i were him I'd get married/ make sure he's covered in terms of pension; talk about how you are going to manage joint finances and what happens if you disagree about when/if he goes back to work/childcare doesn't add up etc
But you really should properly live together first

My friend and her husband have done this very successfully for the last 18 years (since the kids were born - they’ve actually been together since they were 15 and they are now mid 50s)

when their children were born, he decided that his calling in life was the be the children’s main carer. He adored them and wanted to be an extremely present father. So when they were toddlers he gave up his high pressure job in finance and they agreed the mother would be the breadwinner and he would be the SAHD.

it’s worked extremely well all these years, he has been an incredible SAHD. When the kids were at school he set up his own property management business and worked around the kids school hours.

appreciate this is the ‘north star’ of an arrangement like this, but it can work really well in a solid respectful relationship.

Sounds like a plan that will work for you both. My (now) husband sold his London flat to move in when baby was born. Despite me saying he should keep it. (He needed the equity for business). That flat now sells for over £1m.
Keep and rent the flat if you can. (Until/unless you need the equity to put into a new property. But don't rush to increase the mortgage as it puts more pressure on you.)