Struggling - childcare and guilt

[Flittingaboutagain]

Just wondered if there are any mums out there who are full time at home with their babies, toddlers and preschoolers? Not using CM or nursery etc. Started with a CM two mornings a week recently to give me a break but now feel so guilty about it and like I signed up to be a parent, so should be able to cope and actually do it! Adore my little ones but have struggled with increasing rage and don't know what else to do.

There's no point feeling guilty, it doesn't achieve anything and, in the long run, can stop you achieving what you want.

Think about why you do it. Then do that thing and pick your children up happy that you have done it, they have had a lovely time with new toys and new faces and are learning about relationships.

Never feel guilty about something that benefits you all. Even if that's 2 hours extra sleep, a gym class, or just doing absolutely nothing at all.

Surely children need at least some childcare so that they can access Early Years learning, as well as encouraging them to spend time with other children, learning social skills etc.? Childcare is a positive thing for kids, so I don't understand why a parent would feel guilty for giving them this important start in life.

If you are using childcare time to do "boring" stuff like cleaning at home, running errands or doing child unfriendly stuff like getting haircuts then you're doing your child a massive favour. Childcare is good for your child's development - especially if there are other kids there and the childminder does activities that you don't.

I'm basically using the time to keep on top of the housework, look after the youngest and run errands yes.

We do lots of forest school sessions and belong to a home educators group so the social and relational aspect of childcare isn't really necessary. It's purely to give me a break. But I feel a failure for needing a break if that makes sense?

Why dont you think you deserve a break?

The childcare will be sonething your child enjoys and supports their development anyway. But even if it was a bit of time where they were kept safe, warm, fed but were a bit bored it wouldnt matter. It cant be healthy for one single person to curate an entire childhood from wake to sleep at their own expense.

The thing is, we don't actually know how we will feel about motherhood until we are in it, and it's too late by then.

If you need or want to use childcare to make parenting more bearable, then do it! Nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever.

You signed up for something not actually understanding what it would be like. So don't feel guilty about it!

But years ago there was no such thing as childcare. Women just parented. Why am I incapable of doing that?

Years ago, there was a village that raised a child. You can't really compare then and now. What's the saying - the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.

Well parenting had changed a lot. In the past quite young children would play out with other local kids, with older ones taking care of younger ones.

There has always been relatives and neighbours watching out other children whilst mum got on with stuff.

Plus a lot of women found it hard. Lots drank gin 'mothers ruin' or took valium 'mothers little helper'

Not everyone was able to parent. Not all mothers "back then" did a good job:-

Infants - fed on a strict 4h schedule and who gave a shit if they cried in between. Left to sleep in the pram at the bottom of the garden while Mum got on with jobs. All babies parked out in the street while Mum got on with the jobs. 100 other mothers within spitting distance to spend time with

Toddlers - left to run round half dressed with their slightly older siblings unsupervised, because all the houses had Mums in

No social media shoving "perfect parenting" down their throats. Advice came from your own mum or the women in the street. No one questioned "is this right for baby? Is this right for me?" Or if they did they were given short shrift.

We have such better understanding of wellbeing of Mum and baby, of nutrition, of healthy environments and nurturing care. But with it comes more work. And fewer women around us doing the same to share the load with.

Oh, and plus we are pretty much also expected to bring in a full time wage, climb the corporate ladder, and teach our husbands how to he Modern Hands On Dad's.

It's a fucking joke tbh. A big old trap.

Years ago women didn't parent alone. Still all over the world, kids are being raised in extended families and communities. It's a very modern, western way for mum to do everything all the time.

It takes a village. The childminder is part of your village.

No need to feel like a failure at at, I used childcare when mine were little whenever felt needed to (and could afford to) and best decision could of made, made the experience for all of us a lot happier. Having got the housework done and had a break meant I could enjoy my time with them much more and saved alot of the usual marital resentments. The kids really enjoyed doing something different and gained in lots of ways. During lockdown it meant could homeschool older kids without stress of juggling with very bored toddler. Had planned to be a SAHM but my dream part time job came up. I would of never considered applying if had to think about organising childcare from scratch (for a start long waiting lists in my area) no less those first few months in nursery when kids constantly ill and having to juggle that with new job. However as kids already attending childcare and happy and has got over those initial bugs it wasn’t too much of a stretch to just increase their hours and now they’re at school still in same job which I love.

Ok you are all making a lot of sense! I think I have got really bogged down in my idea of what a wonderful SAHM I was going to be and how far from that I am.