When DH retires?

[balzamico]

I have been a SAHM for 18 years, largely because we couldn't have continued our careers without a nanny which we didn't want and because DH's earnings far outstrip mine.
Also, it has suited us both because I am far more practical and 'hands on' than DH whether that be child rearing or household tasks.

However, DH is starting to think about retirement and I'm wondering how its going to be, he has barely lifted a finger at home (empties dishwasher and food shops at weekends) and I think he was thinking it would carry on that way whereas I have voiced looking forward to having someone else mow the lawn, hoover the stairs, etc etc.

Is anyone out there ahead of me here? DH's job has been full on for many many years leaving little to no time for hobbies and I'm really concerned he wont know what to do with himself. I also am worried about him being here all the time tbh, I do love him and we get on but I missed having the house to myself during lockdown.

It feels like all it focus is on him and his retirement whereas its a huge change for us both, we still have teens at home but not for many more years

How many if your 18 years as a SAHM were with all your dc in full time school?

My mum retired before my dad and she had always picked up the lion's share of the housework anyway. I thought she was going to divorce him over the ironing. They seem to have settled into a routine now, though. I still don't consider it fair, but my mum can live with it. Dad knows how to cook two things and order takeaway. He stacks and empties the dishwasher. He washes up. He irons his own shirts. Mum does literally everything else. I couldn't live that way, but fortunately I'm not the one married to him!

To get him to do his own ironing, mum had to let go of the idea that he should do it to her timetable. But really, I don't know if you should take that as a tip!

They're both a lot older than you (70s) so maybe it'll be OK?!

I’m retired but work part time. I do most of the household jobs now, which I think is absolutely fair.
As you chose to give up work then why wouldn’t you do all the household jobs? Unless there’s a back story such as you have 6 kids all with SEN whom you home school!
When your DH retires, he’s likely to want to do absolutely nothing for a while, but then will get bored and take on some tasks naturally. Maybe you’d like to do a bit of role reversal and get a full time job whilst he stays home???

Its something that genuinely needs planned for, he needs to get a hobby or even a little job to pass time if hes bereft of out of work activities.

(and im genuinely disgusted that youve been cutting the grass all these years 😆)

If neither of you are working, then the household tasks should be split equally between you in my view.

Having said that, I think your DH has probably earned a bit of a break first if you have had a lot more leisure time than him in recent years.

There's a Retirement section on Mumsnet.

I'm retiring shortly while DH carries on working (he's younger than me) and am wrestling with how to manage changes in responsibilities. I'm buggered if I'm spending my hard-earned retirement mopping floors to suit his (IMHO obsessional) cleanliness. He lives in hope. We're going to have to work on balance.

DH 'semi-retired' recently - has his own business and is gradually winding it down. We had both worked from home for the last 10 years. Before that I worked full time. In the last 10 years I worked freelance/ part-time and did all the family/ teen children/house related stuff. He did bins/garden/cars and cooked 2-3 times a week. Fortunately we have a cleaner, so didn't have to fight too much over that, but I still did all the household laundry - bedding/ towels etc.

Him retiring has caused stress and tension and I've had to raise things which he didn't seem to even consider a problem, e.g.

• he just sort of assumed that once he retired I would be instantly available to do whatever he fancied doing on a whim ('shall we go for lunch/hike/ shopping this morning?') He didn't seem to understand that I have my own hobbies, friends and routine and I'm not willing to drop it instantly for him.
• picking up more of the household chores. We now have equal free time, so why shouldn't he do half of the food shopping, change the beds, arrange social events, do household admin etc?
• he expected everything to remain unchanged e.g. I was previously always the one to be around for deliveries, tradesmen, our cleaner etc and arranged my diary to accommodate this. Last week he got annoyed when I pointed out that he needed to stay in for a delivery of some gardening stuff he'd ordered as I had plans with friends
• we needed to start communicating and planning car use as we have a 'big' and 'little' car and he seemed to automatically assume he could take the big car, which has a bike rack, whenever he felt like it, without realising that I also needed it!

You need to have conversations about expectations as soon as possible, or else it will become harder if you just let things continue as before. I tend to be very matter of fact and direct: e.g. 'if you're taking those things to the tip in [next town], can you get the weekly food shop at [big supermarket] on your way back?' and I leave things very obviously for him to do e.g. strip the beds, but leave the clean bedding out to be put on: 'oh, I've stripped the beds and put a wash on - if you could make up the beds later that would be great...'

I got a cleaner.
DH is good at fixing things and does most of the supermarket shopping.
He also bought a big sit on mower.
And does the dishwasher.
We have quite separate hobbies.

My dh worked long hours so I did most household tasks.
Now he's retired he definitely does more than me and frankly I'm quite lazy.

An interesting mix of replies thanks, @TiredWife I think some of what you have said is what concerns me.
He certainly needs and deserves a rest but at some point we need to work as equals otherwise I will never retire!
Thanks for the heads up on the retirement board, I'll take a look

OP I am almost 18 months ahead of you and so far so good.
I delegated jobs to my DH, I hoover downstairs, he does upstairs. I don’t do his washing, we share cooking dinners etc. it took a good few months to implement some of those changes. Sometimes it feels like he’s the housewife, if I'm
out and about I’ll message can you do this it this?
He is quite competitive so I started giving scores for his hoovering and he’s like a small DC who needs praise.
I do get a bit more tired but that’s because we do so much during the week, lunches out, cinema trips, spa days and costal walks etc.
I still see my friends the same amount and thankfully my DH has taken up golf so that’s working out well.
We travel all the time which is fun.
Our youngest DC is now early 20’s.

@MessyBunny thanks, that's very reassuring (think I'll need a few gold medals to give out for when he's hoovered 😂)