Navigating preschool as SAHP

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Hello...just wondering if others have been in the same situation.
I'm a SAHP. My beautiful DD has been with me at home since she was born. She's now 4...
She started preschool a few weeks ago( I'm not in UK), two days a week.
I of course was excited for her and she was excited. We have attended playgroups and she does sport and play dates etc...but she's never been to daycare.
I was of course a little anxious about how she would go..
The first morning drop off was really hard for me but I put on a brave face...and didn't get upset. She didn't get upset and went straight in with rest of her class...
My hubby came with us and was great at supporting me and reassured me it would be ok as I was teary on way home. It was so odd leaving her there!
After her second day there I asked how her day was and she seemed fine ...the later said a boy pushed over the tower of blocks she was building and sort of pushed her. I asked what she did and she said she told the teacher. On pick up just so happened I did notice a boy running about and wasn't sitting with the others etc...I did think at the time he looks like he's not doing as he's told!
Anyway she identified him as the boy in a group photo the teacher sent everyone ..

Sorry I'm waffling here. Thanks for reading this far!

Anyway my DD has said the boy pushed other children and grabbed toys etc etc.

But it's filled me with so much anxiety about the situation. I'm really trying not to over ask about what happened and trying to talk about many positive things...
I think as she's been with me everyday...her being away for 5 hours etc I'm finding hard.

I mowed the lawn and trimmed three hedges on her first day in just to distract myself!

She's a beautiful girl , full of wonder and joy. I don't want her to feel sad. But unfortunately I can't control other kids behaviour at times. 😩

She is learning to navigate human relationships OP … life isn’t about not being sad , much of it is a bit tough and you can not protect her forever - she must build her own resilience.

It sounds like she is doing fine , and you too will settle into her being away from you

A big part of preschool is learning how to play with others. Thats what your daughter is doing... and what that little boy is doing. Their teachers will help them navigate this.

My advice will be to find something solely for you as a person (not a mother) during at least one day... volunteering, a hobby, exercise, training.. safe on the knowledge that your daughter is well cared for and us taking the next step in the world. Our job as parents is to make independent resourceful adults.

@Catharticvheesetoastie thank you.
I know what you say is very true.
I think I have a bit of anxiety as well. I'm trying to deal with that.
DH and I spent a nice day with DD - and DH asked her , lightly, about day 2 and she told him about this "naughty boy" ( don't really like that label )...
She goes back next week for her second week of two days....
I think this boy has definitely been noticed by the teachers.

I would not be asking her leading questions about this boy or focussing on it too much - my SIL and PILs have done this with my niece to the point where all she talks about is one child's "bad" behaviour and she's scared to go to school. As others have said, this boy is learning how to be with other children too, he might not be finding it easy at the moment but you need to trust the staff are dealing with him appropriately. Help your daughter focus on the good bits.

@Breezycheesetrees I should have clarified- it was just a catch up chat and not leading questions...
DD brought it up during bedtime..we always talk about the best bits of the day and she mentioned a boy pushed her blocks over...
My DH just chatted with her the next morning.

I'm trying to encourage her to tell us things - and it seems to be working fine.

But you are right...I don't want to labour it..,I have to control my anxiety and stop asking - move on - look forward to the positives

I have a 4 year old and my advice would be to not take everything she says as the gospel truth. Mine has been in nursery for a long time so it's a bit of a different situation but she is known for exaggeration about what other children have done/not done

@Clouds3898 yeah...I don't think this is a lie. Plus I don't want her hiding anything that concerns her

When you get to know the other parents and start comparing notes on what each of them comes home and says you'll be surprised... And amused!

Like your current example - did he push the blocks over or push her? It's not 100% clear from her account and at the age of 4 their recollections are not always completely accurate.

And to be honest there's always going to be some rough play when you put a bunch of 4 year olds together. I was that child who stayed at home solely with my mum until school and it really didn't do me a service for my school years.

Go and have a coffee, get your nails done and enjoy the peace and quiet for a bit! She'll be fine... and so will you - it's just a period of adjustment at the mo x

Ds1 told me he only ever played at the sand table despite me knowing that each table had a rota and everyone moved around and there were photos of him doing all the other activities, story time, dress up, the play corner which had a cafe and they took turns to cook and serve and be customers!

Try to ask her what was the best part of the day, or if she says about the tower being pushed over ask her how high she had managed to build it to divert the conversation. You can't protect her from the world, she needs to learn to navigate other children and interact with adults other than those at home. Plus how you respond will also impact her, make a comment about the behaviour not the child, so that was unkind, not the boy was naughty. Even very well behaved children will do naughty things. No one is all good or all bad. He might have just knocked the table and her tower fell. Just take a lot of it with a pinch of salt.

Preschool is good for your DD's development and as much as you love her enjoy the break. I am a long term sahm and my children are now teens.

As I mentioned I think I'm suffering from anxiety.
And as as first time mums...trying to navigate what's best for my DC.

I did have an incident at a playgroup we used to attend where there was a little boy grabbing things and pushing a pram into everyone - kids and adults alike!
All the parents were just stepping around him and the kids were just moving out of his way - getting on with it...apart from one mum who took it upon herself to say to my DD "you need to tell him to No in a big loud voice ! No! No...repeat it"
I jumped in immediately and said she is fine!
This was followed by this mum saying "she won't survive preschool walking away...needs to stand up for herself". I was shaken and angry.
I said to my DD to move away from him. He was younger and was also learning how to play.

Anyway!

If she doesn’t experience this at preschool she’ll experience it at school 🤷🏻‍♀️ that’s kids. All sounds normal. Don’t worry about it.

My DS is in preschool but has been in nursery since 12momths so I’ve adjusted now. If you have a good pre-school, with good teachers, then trust their judgement. If my Ds tells me he’s been hurt I ask him if he told someone and what happened. He’ll generally relay that it’s been addressed and I’ll say ok, that’s good, make sure you tell someone. There’s a boy that often bites him and they are on/off best friends.. it’s all part of growing up and you have to model some resilience and ensure your response is measured. If you are concerned, speak to her teachers when she can’t hear.

I wouldn’t take her account as 100% accurate- of course believe her but the story already sounds unclear. Sounds very common and something she will have to navigate throughout life! Don’t make a big deal / show her your worries. Address it if she’s upset and say she should tell the teacher. Then move on

Kids are largely feral as they figure out the world. She’s going to be bashed, bundled, knocked over, hit with toys, possibly even receive a bite or two. It’s just young children in a social species figuring it out. You’ve never had her away from you, it’s probably normal for you to be upset, but try not to create an anxiety in her about it. Don’t push questions about ‘naughty boys’ and focus on her being confident and having a good time.

I think you know this is mostly your separation anxiety. You're last line is very significant. You can't control other children's behaviour.. you actually can't control much about this at all. She now has a part of her life that is separate from you. That's really strange and uncomfortable when you have been together for 4 years. I know,been there! What you really need here is trust. That she is able for this, that she will navigate these situations, that she will voice anything that needs voicing. And trust in her teachers. They know what they are doing. They have navigated these situations before.
Don't quiz her. Just ask how her day was and leave it at that. If there is anything she wants to share she will. It gets easier!

In truth I do agree with the other mum. At our nursery children are taught from a young age to say "no thank you" firmly and calmly if another child does something like hitting pushing snatching etc.
From how you describe the encounter at the playgroup it doesn't sound cause for you to be "shaken and angry". I would be irritated about some other parent telling my how to parent my child but would probably just give them a hard stare and inwardly roll my eyes!

I know you said you suffer from anxiety. I sympathise because I've been there too but it's worth trying to take steps to address that if you can. I'm the daughter of an anxious mother and it affected me growing up.