Feeling like I’m with a man child

[Wafflessyrup]

My partner is lovely, I had a string of shit relationships so that’s probably why I’m still here despite feeling like everyone’s skivvy.

I have to make all the decisions, do the food shop, decide what to do weekends, tell my boyfriend to take the bins out repeatedly, tell him to shower or we’ll be late, tell him to wash up, bathe our son.I do all the washing all the mopping all the hoovering, putting the clothes away, I’m so sick of it.

whenever I’ve said where’s my break from our toddler, he says “I work it’s hardly a break” bear in mind I’ve not had 1 day break
whenever I say start doing more, he says I know and tries for about a week max then gets comfortable again

my toddler prefers me and according to my partner that’s because I’m a stay at home mum, not because on the weekends I still continue being the primary parent.

im so sick of it, he rarely if ever spontaneously does things like clean, cook take us all out or offer to take my son out by himself. Plays with our son and his toys!!
always moaning he’s tired from work and I have to say our toddlers awake he’s crying.

I came from divorced parents and I know relationships take work but I’ve asked a million times and feel like a mum not a girlfriend!! My mum actually went through this with my dad so can’t believe I’m in the same situation

he moans when I can’t park the car despite me being the only driver and only passing my test this year.

I feel so trapped because the cost of living is extremely high, and don’t see how I can leave and give my son the same quality of life - at the same time if I left there wouldn’t be more bloody work for me cause I do everything myself anyway!

it’s actually to the point I wouldn’t care if he cheated or just left because I feel so drained of any love or jealousy I could have because I’m with a man child

[Alana1984]

I'm so sorry you feel this way, relationships are hard work but they only work when you both put in the effort.

I've no idea what happens to men when kids come along, all of a sudden they're incapable of thinking for themselves but have no idea the impact that on us - constantly having to decide everything and answer every question. Even when they help by cooking for example, it's, what are we having? (check the meal plan), where are the potatoes? How long do they go in for? Should I do them in the oven? Where's the quiche? (the freezer) oh, is it frozen? (ffs)... And so on...

I wish I knew the answer for you, a lot of my friends say it gets better as the kids get older - mine are both still under two

Xx

[stuntbubbles]

My partner is lovely
No, he isn’t.

[tickticksnooze]

Sorry, you opened by saying he's lovely. How did you work that out?

[LittIe]

It sounds like you’re 100% dependent on him financially, and he’s 100% dependent on you for everything else.

You’re in a very vulnerable position.

Can you look at working? Even doing opposite shifts to him to reduce dependency on childcare.

[Hoppinggreen]

Sorry but he’s not lovely. You have had such shit relationships before that your bar is very low

[sjxoxo]

Agree he doesn’t sound lovely! Sounds like he can’t be arsed. Is him being tired justified?? Does he work v long hours for example. Do you get an downtime for yourself? I am a SAHP aswell and I have two days of nursery a week so I have those two days to myself - I do use them for household stuff but it’s also some quieter time for me and I do a yoga class etc or gym just by myself. Can you get a similar arrangement? Also maybe you could split the chores more clearly - literally a list etc as if it was a workplace. Maybe he doesn’t realise all the things there are to do! Good luck xxx

[Iwanttoslowdown]

You are overwhelmed OP. Ask urself if your partner is going to look after ur needs ever. If u don’t think he’s going to change start planning - get urself in a degree course, train in something, start planning for ur own financial freedom to be able to make choices that work for you and ur child.

[leafblowaway]

Claim your breaks, stop being passive about it. Tell him that you are going out on Saturday so he is in charge and needs to think about all the things his child will need whilst you are gone. Force it, let him spend time with his child. Be gone over at least a lunch time and a nap time if they still have one. This will go one of two ways, either he says this was hard work and starts to realise what your days are like and he has only experienced a morning. Or he says this was easy and in which case you say brilliant I am going out Tuesday night before our son goes to bed so you can have a relaxing evening.

Stop falling into the "family time" crap at the weekend where your partner has never parented their child by themselves. Start carving out breaks for yourself. Maybe think about buying Fair Play either the book or better still the card deck that demonstrates how many jobs you are doing. Sit down together and come up with a menu plan for the week. We used to have a 3 week rota one when the children were very little. Could you get your shopping delivered or collect it? I find scan and go so much easier, pick it, scan in, straight into the bag and bring it home.

I agree with maybe putting your child into nursery for either a morning, a day, a couple of mornings. And yes, I am a long term sahm with teenagers. But I had a hands on Dh from day 1 who completely appreciated what I did as a sahm.

[Wafflessyrup]

Wanted to add I do get UC top up, I was studying but it was a home course but it ended up being so much work (4 hours a day studying minimum/2 hour lecture and extra reading) whilst having my toddler, nothing was going in at all.
we’re better off me not working and not sending our child to nursery until they’re 3, unless I work 2 12 hour well paid shifts on a weekend than then stops my child’s classes on the weekend which they love and have already made little friends.
(Partner doesn’t drive so couldn’t take them, I drive but we got my driving done first, isn’t a lazy thing more so a we both left it long and a money thing, these days £36 an hour - cost me £134 just to do the test and rent the car for 2 hours )

By lovely I mean, the last money he had if I needed, looking after me if I’m sick, appreciating my body has changed, running to the shops to get things late. But you can be lazy and a nice person in my opinion. Then again I know a lot of relationships like this where there doesn’t seem to be a balance - he works 40 hours, and seems to think that justifies being tired where I’m tired all the time. I want to make it clear that I don’t expect perfection from anyone, I don’t believe anyone’s a perfect partner but I’m not quite sure where the line is for me because it can be hard for almost everyone for different reasons in the early days when kids are young

like someone else above said once some men have kids they ask you everything, like the other day does our toddler have butter with jam on toast, how many chocolate buttons it doesn’t matter 🤦🏽‍♀️

[deeperthanallroses]

There is no way I would ever think oh that work option is really the best for me but it would clash with my 3yos class so I can’t. 3yo classes are not a big deal surely??