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Stay at home mum, frustrated at partner

6 replies

Mamadodo · 05/10/2022 00:57

I’m a stay at home mum on maternity leave. I have a beautiful ds who is currently 8 months old. Dh works three days a week at home and two days at the office. The three days that he is at home, his work is very flexible and he often starts late, finishes early, and manages to finish his work within a few hours unless he has scheduled meetings at certain times.

our arrangement is that he wakes and attends to ds for any night wakings. Ds is weaned off milk at night so only wakes up once or twice for a pat or dummy. My job is to wake up at 6am with ds (dh sleeps in due to wake ups in the night and wakes up at 9ish for work) and take care of him till bed time, meals, nappy changes, play time, day naps etc. my job is to also cook lunch and dinner, clean the house, do laundry and do any errands like grocery shopping/pharmacy runs for ds.

I am happy with this arrangement except, I find myself getting increasingly frustrated at dh for not doing small tasks around the house. For example he won’t wash up his brekky dishes, he won’t make the bed after he wakes up (he sleeps in, so is the last to get out), the trash will be full but he won’t think ti take it out, if ds is fussing and I’m busy in the kitchen, he won’t think it’s necessary to help out by carrying him for 2 mins.

I also get frustrated because through out the week, dh goes to the gym daily, goes for a swim at the local pool around 3 times a week and sometimes goes out in the evening once a week on a weekday. This is all at times where he seems fit around his work schedule and when he feels like. But I need to schedule the errands I need to do around his schedule (if I’m not taking ds) so he’s home to look after him. I also have ti find a small time here and there to visit friends/my sister all around his schedule. I don’t if it’s just me but it just frustrates me that there are small tasks around the a house that would make it ten times easier for me that he just can’t be bothered to do and even so if I ask him he gets annoyed. It also annoys me that he gets to leisurely plan his activities when he pleases but I have to fit in chores and errands outside of the house around him!

am I wrong for getting frustrated at this? How can I get out of this funk of always being butter and resentful towards him?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2022 16:23

When are you going back to work? It obv needs to change then but sounds like you need a sit down talk about workloads.

You should work equal amount. So if he works 10-3 in his office job, you're sole carer for DS for those hours too. Before that you split it (so he's up over night and you in the morning) and afterwards you share it (so if you're cooking he has baby, if you wash up, he empties bins etc).
Basically if he's not in paid work / commute then you share what's left.

You're basically saying that in the week he does NOTHING with your baby unless he Wales overnight?? Does he want to be a Dad?

FreshCop · 27/10/2022 16:54

Sounds like he’s got it cushty. You need to just explain that you’d appreciate him doing little things like taking the bins out without you having to ask.

FreshCop · 27/10/2022 16:56

My friend who’s a stay at home mum was kind of feeling/living like this until she started working part time and she seemed to get her energy and confidence back.

I think men can start taking you for granted and no longer see you as a sexual being with a life and desires but more like a domestic maid.

rainbowandglitter · 27/10/2022 17:02

I'm sure I've seen this exact thread recently with loads of responses.

Mamadodo · 11/11/2022 23:30

thanks everyone for your insights and support. We have had a few sit downs talking about loads and how during his working hours I am technically “working” so whatever is before and after should be split.

things have gotten a bit better! I am hoping slowly it will get better as well as we get closer to the new year where I’ll be back at work!

Although he ALWAYS comments that “you won’t have half the things/chores to do when ur back at work because you won’t be at home to need to clean etc” ughhhh ds has gotten a lot better at night as well so doesn’t have much to do now! If anything ds is so much more energetic and active during the day that it’s harder for me hahaha

OP posts:
Hellopello · 19/11/2022 21:32

It’s great that you’re talking about the uneven distribution of carer role and things have gotten better- are you now getting the same opportunities as Dh to have time to meet your needs as a person, sister, friend, and work colleague ? Dh sounds like he has a full, happy life with supportive partner, meals and domestic work all provided, happy, healthy 8 month old cared for while he is in his full time work and also while he goes swimming, gym, nights out with friends etc.
Have you scheduled on a calendar e.g. 3 times a week swimming, gym, visiting your sister and friends, like he has ? Outside work hours there is nothing stopping him from being as flexible as you and ensuring that the distribution of carer role between you is fair.

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