How to split finances as a SAHM

[Ellbelle]

so me and my partner currently have a 2 month old baby. Before my son I was self employed and earned good money, I was ill my whole pregnancy in hospital, so my work stopped altogether. My partner made it clear I didn’t have to work and he would support me with being a stay at home mum. We currently live at my house which he covers all bills for and the mortgage as I am no longer working. I understand this is a huge responsibility and I am forever grateful. He earns a very very good salary and works sometimes 18hour days. When it comes to money for living, meaning lunches, things for myself (I would never go over the top and spend a fortune and he knows this ) clothes/nappies for our son, dinner, house essentials, and just day to day money I have to ask every single time. I feel like I’m asking my parents for money and it’s wearing me down. I feel awful constantly asking for money and don’t really know how to manage the situation. This usually results in me not asking and living on not much at all, which has started limiting what I can actually do. This is probably my own fault for not saying anything…I feel like I’d be financially better off as a single parent!

As you are a family, why isn’t all money joint. You shouldn’t have to ask for money or permission to spend it.

Speak to him.

You need access to the bank accounts. Your name on said accounts and your own card.

As lovely as you are being about how grateful you are, you don't NEED to be feeling like he's doing you a favour.

You birthed his child. He has been able to continue his career and get stronger. Your financial position has become weaker.

Dignity and self worth are important. Tell, not ask, him that you will require your own cards and name on any and all accounts.

As a side note, consider as your baby gets older going back in some capacity to what you were doing before.

Hopefully he will just require one conversation to rectify this and how you're feeling has simply not come to his attention.

Stand your ground, calmly and articulate your needs.

You have nothing to be grateful for, this man is treating you as an unpaid nanny. You are not married and therefore in a very vulnerable position, it’s good that he’s paying your mortgage but you really need to either go back to work on increase your financial protection. The only real way to do this is to marry and share all finances.

I get £1000 a month for my personal bills (phone, hobbies, pet insurance), school uniform clubs etc, he pays for everything else. If there are big purchases we discuss them.

I'm a SAHM, we've always had DH wage into our joint which we pay bills and whatever we want through the month. Big purchases would be discussed but if I want to go shopping I do it. We've got savings accounts, again both have access to. Joint names on the house.

I couldn't live on an allowance but we discussed how finances would work before I got pregnant. I'll possibly go back to work this year and my wage will go into the joint account.

I couldn't live with someone who was happy to see me struggle while they had plenty.

Joint account. And a card each.
Agreed rough budget for joint things like groceries, kid fund, household necessities so you know how much "fun money" is left.

Mutual agreements for big spends e.g. if you were thinking of buying a £200 handbag, check if he's okay with it/if he agrees its within your family budget

Any small spends like lunches, days out with your kid, new clothes etc within your budget, respectful amounts of money (i.e. not a fortune spent on yourself every day) you should just mention to him "we went into town and i bought some tops" so he's aware money has gone out but you don't need permission or validation of it.

So he's paying the mortgage directly so could place a claim on your home?

Your aren't married and have no job?

You aren't married so there's no shared money.
He is financing the childcare you are providing for him.

I would not continue with this arrangement.

Joint account. We shared everything, I brought significant equity to the marriage but then looked after the kids

Why don’t you have access to the bank account?

Glad your reading the same page as me. Are you well enough to work OP?

How long have you dated each other? Tbh in this economy I would be applying for ANY job.

To the marriage. .
That's the key here.

I have a credit card which my husband pays off.

We have separate bank accounts but it's our money. When I worked it was the first to get to their card paid.

Except, I have my own savings from when I worked which I don't feel comfortable going into for day to day and want to protect. A family member was in a violent relationship and I've always had the need to have my own money ready even though my husband is a softie.

I know this isn't the point of the thread OP and you are technically on maternity but don't ever financially rely on anyone else.

I also got £1000 per month which was for food shopping, kids activities, clothes, clubs , gifts etc and I paid my car insurance and car tax.

Even though I’m working DH still gives me the £1000 that I try and save (if I wasn’t paying for driving lessons)

my husband and I have a joint account that all money goes into, then we each have our own account that we get the same amount in each month to spend on ourself.

Household /children costs come from the joint account and individual costs (eg clothes/gym membership etc) from our own personal budget.

We also have our own savings each but save equally.

Are you paying into a mortgage or anything while you are off work?

He should share all wages and also be put on the deeds of the house. If you want it all equal it needs to be both ways.

Take a maternity break then go back to work

If you aren't working then don't dip into savings.

I also wouldn't even consider this until DP gets a new job.

It's unclear whether he's said "if you want money, ask me for it" and meant item per item or if you said "OK I want £1k a month" he'd pay it.
Have you even had that conversation or has it just gone from own money cos you're both working then pregnancy and then him paying all the bills and this now being long term without any actual conversation?

Whoops sorry wrong thread!

Never understand this sort of hysterical scorched earth answer he clearly isn’t treating her like an unpaid nanny, for one she’s having her home paid, all her bills, food, and money whoever she wants it.

the situation isn’t ideal but your response is laughable

My husband and i just have joint accounts. We have for years. All money goes into joint accounts, neither of us have any personal ones.
No asking for money, it’s just there.

You need to have a conversation with your partner and explain how you feel!