Your partner is equally responsible for his children. His job doesn't trump yours even if he earns more - especially if you are not married! My husband leaves the house at 6.30am, back at 6.30pm, but he's negotiated working from home twice a week to do kids, and we also use childminder and school clubs. We both work full-time and it works really well.

Ask your partner how he's going to adapt his set-up to facilitate you working.

It's very worrying that you have no savings despite your job being to raise your partner's children. Does your partner not provide for you properly, contribute to your pension etc?

What do you mean he “pays” you? do you not have equal access to the entirety of the money coming into the household? Does he pay you in the way and then your housekeeper would be paid? What do you mean by that?


What are your qualifications? What career and job did you have before you had children? Before you write off options about timings and in flexibility around this that or the other stuff needs to be taken off what are your strengths and weaknesses are what are your interests and passions are and what training you have and how you could ask you for a suitable career? This needs a game plan and isn’t a quick little thing where are you Pre decide what your hours cannot cannot be.

• before and after school club
• you split the holidays between you so you don't need a school yob

You’re in a very vulnerable position. Is marriage on the cards or not at all? Could you get an admin job in your childrens school?
You’d also need childcare for inset days and child illness if your dp wouldn’t step up and help.

We both work Full time and kids are 2 and 6.

2 year old goes to nursery full time

6 year old goes to after school activity clubs till 430.

Summer holidays are 2 weeks annual leave for me, 1 week family holiday somewhere by the sea, 1 week annual leave for my spouse and 2 weeks at holiday clubs.

easter and Christmas annual leave and holiday clubs for half of Easter.

half terms annual leave for me and spouse. Holiday clubs for half of them.

that’s how you manage. What are your qualifications and May I ask why you don’t have access to family and joint finances and accounts?

your situation is obviously very very vulnerable but I’m trying to work out whether it’s financially abusive.

Limiting yourselves to admin jobs in a local school in incredibly limiting.-what if one doesn’t come up or you aren’t successful. What other plans do you have?

Our admin staff work in the holidays as well.

He's paying you the equivalent of your salary and you're not saving anything or contributing to a pension? That's really on you.

@DuarPorte how is it financial abuse exactly?

Because a man - paying a “salary” to a woman who isn’t married to, and who he shares neither property nor joint finances with (apparently - I did ask for clarity) - but who - in return for the “salary” keeps house, and looks after his kids - doesn’t exactly scream a partner relationship to me. And hence - with the little information we have it’s worth asking how joint finances and joint property is treated to see the broader context here .

a woman who he will not share his property with. A woman who he will not legally commit to by marrying. A woman who he doesn’t share his finances with.

This man - pays a “salary” to a woman who keeps house and provides childcare.

if it really isn’t clear why the notion of financial abuse might cross someone’s mind - in this set of circumstances, I have little to say.

OP - I’ll ask again - what are your qualifications, and experience? Are you able to access careers counselling or advice sessions with your local job centre or council provisions in the area? Are you able to post any version of your CV? Are there courses - either evening ones - or Udemy or Coursera ones you could do to update your skill set? It needs to begin with a bit of planning and there are many here who could advise you if you have an idea of your qualifications skills and experience.

@DuarPorte there is no mention of finances whatsoever so you can't know that she doesn't have access to family accounts. She is also paying off debts from before they met, using the money he is providing.

OP, take stock of whatever qualifications you have and see what sort of upskilling you need to be doing. Ask the job centre for advice. Nobody is going to put a job in your lap, you need to be proactive. 42 is no age, you still have plenty of time to safeguard your personal finances for the future if you act now.

Not sure what it is about my exact words “I’m trying to work out if it’s financially abusive” doesn’t indicate that I am “trying to work out IF it’s financially abusive”. Fairly clear.

The situation sounds disbalanced, and unequal and profoundly vulnerable. There is indication of a salary being paid to one partner by another. There is indication that childcare will not be equally split. There is indication that “marriage is not on the cards”. There is indication that she doesn’t “have much money left” after paying kids things. Does he? Does this not indicate there isn’t a joint account with joint and equal access? There is indication that he won’t put her on his property deeds.

is it so profoundly unreasonable to say “I am trying to work out IF” the situation is financially abusive?

You are reading all of those indications in though. Maybe OP is the one who doesn't want to get married? She says nothing about her name being on property or not, just that he had it before they met? Going from the OP wanting to get a job to her DP possibly being financially abusive is really reaching.

Will he stop paying you a 'salary' when you get a job?

You need to earn well. Part time admin earnings won’t give you much security. Have you looked at accountancy, bookkeeping or HR professional qualifications? You could easily double your earnings capacity and those careers have different working patterns available.

I agree with sortilege. If you want significantly stronger financial security, you need to be either
a) paying into a pension and earning a decent wage. (Working part time in a school isn’t going to get you there)
b) married
c) getting equal access to all the family finances. Not a monthly payment that you end up spending to maintain the family. Bonkers! You should be asking for half his savings since you got together. You need to ask him to make a contribution to a private pension for you.

there are LOTS if flexible wfh jobs out there, my entire team now is wfh and can flex hours around school hours (working evenings and weekends to make up time if needed). I have a junior on 35k in my team, it is full time in an accounts role for which we are training her from scratch.

sit your dp down and be frank. Tell him you’re unmarried, financially throttled, bored and scared about the future. If he loves you he will want to help. If not you’re in deep trouble, and you can stop facilitating him by doing everything for him.

and immediately ask to double your monthly “allowance” and ask for access to a bank account to pay for things for the kids so your allowance isn’t being used for those things.

it’s not the 1950s and he shouldn’t be keeping you on a financial leash.

Brilliantly put. Feeling throttled and on a financial leash grasps the peculiarities of this set up and how the OP has said she is feeling perfectly.

Would he consider a civil partnership if it’s the marriage but he doesn’t like?

In terms of what you asked, it’s difficult. If I were you I would look for a remote job. The problem can be that the cost of before/after school care is prohibitive and you end up working for next to nothing. So your best bet is to find a 2-3 day a week job and ask to spread it over 5 days. Personally I think it’s better to request unpaid caters leave in august than work in a school. Just because with 4 children the chance of appointments, sickness etc is so high. If you’re in a remote working role, most of us can work effectively from home for a day whilst sick child watches Disney next to us.

All the best