SAHM expectations

[Mocca8]

Hi all I was just interested as to what you do or your partners expectations when you're a SAHM. I have been for 10 years although as much as I love being with my kids I also wasn't given a choice it was just expected of me. During this time I did have odd jobs and self employed doing hair when I could but after number 3 I just couldn't do it or juggle it all sadly. So when I was working and I'm not talking mega bucks I had to cover the cost of all the food etc I also had to work once dinner was done and kids ready for bed if not in bed already. Since number 3 I haven't been able to work as its just crazy busy and I have no support for childcare and 3 kids in childcare won't be worth my while to go to work. Pre children I actually had a really good career but not amazing pay and travel into London plus nursery wouldn't have been worth my while. Anyway sorry I'm going off track here....I do every school run and I mean everyone he's never been to kids school, every club for 3 children they do several each and I do all the cooing cleaning washing and tidying I mean my husband does not lift a finger let alone a toy on the floor he's just kicked out the way of his path and I do day could you not just pick that up? I'm so so tired and just don't think this is normal...or is it and I need to toughen up and get on with it? He's gone by 6.30am as hates the kids arguing as soon as they all wake up so I'm up then and doing the juggle I'm basically a married single mum. He never does baths or bedtime again that's all down to me and when I've finally got all 3 down I come down to then face all the pots and pans piled in the kitchen. He says he goes to work all day and things my job. As above I mentioned I wasn't given a choice! Please don't get me wrong that I font want to be with my kids all day I really do and am so so thankful I've had this opportunity but just some help with the load would be so very very greatly appreciated. I have a really tight budget and am constantly over my over draft and cards being declined etc so nomi do not live the lavish life some do and I don't do or have anything for myself no gym no hairdressers no nails no treats whatsoever which is why I miss working as I could afford the odd treat to myself. My friends say that's just it life isnt it their husbands the same but then their husbands do the odd club and I see 50% of dad's at the school and come the weekends the dads give the mums a break and take the kids...I bed mine to take the kids to the park just so I can mop the floors and he won't if he does it's 3 hours of me nagging and then he's back within 10 minutes. He keeps saying "oh you think the grass is greener... but it isn't ..".but part of me thinks surely it must be. I don't even getbto enjoy the time with my babies as I'm so stressed and exhausted and run ragged I never get to sit down with them or actually play with my kids. Is this normal?? My youngest is 2 oldest 10 and I have an almost 5 year old. Feel so sorry for my kids that maybe me working they'd get better quality time with me but I know he still wouldn't lift a finger. If I moan I'm exhausted he says what have you done all day....

Jesus your husband sounds like an asshole. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and my goodness your cup sounds empty. So I assume he works 40 hours a week and then does sweet FA? Whereas you’re on the clock every hour your kids are awake without getting any respite? Sounds financially abusive too. Can I offer my first ever “LTB”? (I’m not actually saying that, I know things aren’t that easy, but I’m definitely saying YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.)

What career did you have before and could you go back to it? Hate to say it…but why keep having kids with him if you got no help? Or could you look at retraining? If you were a hairdresser, you could rent a chair in a salon or be mobile if you drive?

It was certainly the ‘norm’ 40-odd years ago when I was young. My DM was a SAHP and did all housework/child related stuff.

This is far from my experience.

DH and I have equal ‘pocket money’ for personal spending and everything else comes from the joint account, bills, food, baby groups and soft play etc . Since lockdown DH has been working from home, he does about 50% of school runs (taking the youngest with him), most if the washing, eldest bedtime and I do pretty much the rest of the parental load. We have a weekly cleaner.

Your husband is completely unreasonable. He's treating you like a slave. Why is the financial responsibility all yours, why is your account constantly overdrawn? I think you need your independence back. Two kids in school this autumn, the youngest entitled to nursery hours soon. Great moment to return in some capacity to the workforce, which means he'll have to step up and do more. And if he doesn't, and won't change, get out. His attitude is appalling -- ungrateful, entitled, borderline misogynistic.

FWIW, my husband is a SAHD, I work full time. I help cook, clean, do bed and bath etc, share childcare at weekends. We work as a team, flex as needed. I respect his time and the effort he puts in to raise our child. I wouldn't dream of treating him the way your husband treats you. I'm sorry you're so put upon, you must be exhausted and feel completely unsupported. Time to shake things up. He will need to step up or bugger off. You're contributions are valuable and should be respected.

Thank you I just felt like it was me not coping and when you vent to friends they say oh yes mines the same but I really don't think it can be as bad as this. I've also recently had surgery so am only 1 week post op and still here I am bathing the kids and cooking when really I wanted him to.prove he would be able.to take over or at least help. My parents are running around doing all the driving and school runs my mums taken ill and I think its from sheer exhaustion to what I do every week myself. No there's no break. If I do on the VERY rare chance go to a friends for dinner on a sat night I pay for it the next day with all the tidying and laundry to catch up on. The kids and him would be all set up fed movie all their special treats bought in for a movie night because I guess I feel so guilty going out or just want them to have a treat too but them come.back.and can cry at the mess. But them what's the alternative I'll have all this to do by myself anyway but then rent to pay on top of that so a full time job too I just don't know what to do for the best for children. He does work full time he works very hard I will say that, alot is unnecessary too though as he'll come home have his cup of tea sit o his phone then have his 45 minute shower then eat his dinner if he hasn't already then has to pop out to get things for work (why he cant do this on his way back from work i dont know), thus avoiding bedtime and me. It's a very sad state of affairs and I absolutely know I deserve better than being a skivvy who he doesn't even see sadly 😔

Oh my, this sounds truly awful.

You say there's never any money - does he not earn enough or does he put you and the DC on a strict budget while he has plenty of money to do whatever he likes? Because that's financial abuse.

Occasionally, a man who doesn't get it has a lightbulb moment when you point out that you are working 24/7 and don't even have any money of your own but I'm not hugely optimistic.

You might be better off alone - with a job or on benefits with child maintenance paid by him plus at leats 50% of the marital assets......

He's absolutely dodging parenting/life admin and dumping it all on you. And your PARENTS! What a dickhead.

I say without hesitation that working full time is easier than looking after kids full time. You never get a break. He's absolutely unreasonable, and his attitude is deeply disrespectful. I say this not to make you feel worse, but simply to really reassure you that your perception of the situation is spot on -- don't be gaslit, don't doubt your perspective. Do think about how much more you can tolerate, and your strategy/approach to getting it resolved, and your plan B if nothing changes.

Fuming on your behalf!!

You sound like a slave. I'd be suicidal if I lived like that.

You’ve said it yourself, you are a single mum with a husband and not only are you doing everything for your children you’re doing everything for him too. What a nice life he has while you work yourself to exhaustion. Family life is 24/7 and cannot be compared to a full time job, it’s a lifestyle. Of course as a SAHP it’s on you to do everything while he’s working but when he’s not it should be 50/50. You say a lot that you aren’t given a choice. Everyone has a choice.

Your choice has been to stay with him and put up with him.

No it's not normal and more to the point, it's not ok.

When I'm home, I do what needs doing. When he's home, he does what needs doing. When we're both home, we both do what needs doing. We do both work, him slightly more hours than me but that varies depending on travel. But even in Mat leave, if I was feeding the kids, he'd cook or clean. He always bathed them as he couldn't obviously (breast) feed them. We have a lie in each at the weekend.

More importantly, we respect each other. Neither of us would kick a toy because we expect the other to pick it up. If I went out (which I do as often as I like, BTW) he cleans the house before I am home, he'd never 'punish' me for it and vice versa.

I like it that way - the kids see men and women sharing the load - working, cooking, washing up, putting kids to bed. They see mum and dad caring for each other and respecting each other. I hope it means they will expect to be respected and cared for (and do the same for their partners) in an equal partnership in their future relationships.

Your husband is treating you like a piece of shit. I am sorry. You deserve better.

You're husband is a fucking twat.

This is not life. My husband and I do 50/50 everything. We pay half of everything. We do half the housework and half the childcare. We both work full time. He is currently making their tea as I type.

You've married a lazy twat who doesn't want kids by the sound of it.

If you left him, you would be entitled to universal credit and a percentage of childcare costs. As well as happier knowing you didn't have him sitting there being a twat.

I couldn’t even read your full post without thinking ‘wow this is insane!’… your husband sounds like a complete twat and you are not equal partners. Honestly if you were someone’s live in housekeeper you would at least be being paid… I hope your husband has paid into a pension and savings for you. If he hasn’t and you no longer love him I would advise you to leave and get a divorce!! You’d be better off! X

My ex was the same thought it was my job to do everything even on the weekends when he was off! Soul destroying. Only benefit is now I am a single Mum I can cope on my own because I am so use to it. This time without the resentment or extra load of another adult. Plus I get time to rest and catch up when he has our kids!

Your DH is massively unreasonable. I am a SAHM of a school age child.

Our money is shared completely equally.

I do the vast majority of the housework and cooking as I have so much spare time. However in the evenings and at weekends DH happily does stuff although not much to do.

He is a very engaged parent, it is not a chore to be completed but a joy to spend time with DS. He does the majority of bedtimes and also takes DS to two of his three after school activities. When he is not working I would say that he does 70-80% of the parenting.

He always encourages me to take time for myself and if I wake up and decide I am going out for the day he has no issue and will happily sort out dinner that day.

"But them what's the alternative I'll have all this to do by myself anyway but then rent to pay on top of that so a full time job too I just don't know what to do for the best for children.*

Well, based on what you've written, you WOULD be better off. Let me list the ways:

1. You would not be cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc for HIM. A grown up man, one who sounds lazy as hell and does nothing, generates a LOT of work.

1. You would be starting with something in the form of equity in your house or your share of savings/pension etc.

1. He would have to pay child maintenance. Admittedly, assuming he will only pay the bare minimum, this won't be a huge amount, but you will get something.

1. You will be eligible for things like council tax discounts etc as a single adult.

1. You will most likely be able to qualify for benefits. And perhaps, with less stress and worry and two children at school, you might be able to find a part time job. Especially as it sounds like you do have support from your family.

1. You will be 5000 times happier not having to deal with this man.

He sounds awful, not wanting to support you and not wanting to spend time with his own children. You need to point it out clearly to him that this is just not on otherwise is he really worth it? You deserve much better.

Your husband is treating you as an underpaid skivvy. He is also a terrible father. I don’t know how you can bear to be around him. LTB.

We have both been stay at home parents as we chose to share parental leave. At that time we did whatever needed doing and shared all duties in our ‘off time’. We both went back to work despite not making ‘financial’ sense as it made sense to us to keep our careers, pay into a pension etc. but, we share all our money and all the housework/admin/childcare duties. Honestly I wouldn’t have had a husband or family it it had been any other way.

You deserve better!

I think I've come to that realisation. Things have got significantly worse since my post and I don't think I can even get my ducks I a row as his business is all over the place and projects I have no idea and I'm now so worn down I have to jump ship with my kids. No improvements no attempts...Still tells me I'm not attractive to him and I know I deserve better. Absolutely terrified what will happen I have no house to move to and no idea how to go about it all he's had all my savings it's just too toxic I can't have my children in this environment anymore :( thank you all for your support 🙏

He's a twat and he's taking you for granted

So sorry you're going through this. Can you kick him out instead of moving out yourself? 😢

I've asked him several times can we try separation and you move in with your parents he said absolutely not he's never living with them...we currently rent which I wouldn't be able to afford myself sadly as I love it here as do the children but I know he won't leave...I have no idea where I stand to gets somewhere myself rentals are insane atm and I'll never get a mortgage eeeeek

What does it mean when you say that you were not given a choice? Why continue to have children if you felt forced to stay home? Were you not allowed to take contraceptives?

I am not trying to be offensive but as an adult , I have no idea what it means for an adult to say that another adult did not allow them to do something as simple as getting a job. Single moms manage to work.

Wouldn't it be better to work and make a contribution to a pension even if most or all of the take home pay went to pay for child care? You would be providing for your future.

What exactly did he do to prevent you from working? I often read women saying that " he would not let me" or "he made me do xyz" but never have they followed up with an explanation of the form that the force took.

Maybe, if there were an explanation other women might be able to avoid such situations.