I don't want to fight about staying at home anymore

[PIB20]

Hello, im really after some advice if anyone could help shed some light.

I am a SAHP to our 16 month old ds. My dh works full time to support us. He does shift work which is 6 days on 4 days off. It was decided that i stay home as my job didnt pay as much as dh and he didnt want to put ds into nursery.

Right, so the issue im having is that most of my time is taken up my ds, i have never been away from him dh has never taken care of him on his own and even now seems oblivious to certain things such as a baby needs a coat when leaving the house if its cold because he doesnt feel the cold etc.

My issue is the lack of understanding from dh. I love being a SAHP but after 16 months of never having 5 minutes off never mind an hour to myself im starting to wear a bit thin. The house is clean, albeit maybe a little cluttered (our house is only tiny) but i have my hands full taking care of ds and the animals etc to majorly have an impact on getting rid of things plus i do not drive.

I clean and tidy constantly, cook all the meals, take ds to playgroups, sort the bills, feed and clean-up ds, we have playtime and i take care of all the pets (3dogs, 3cats, 3 rabbit) but our house is small and after tidying the same toys away atleast 20 times before dh is home inevitably they come out again and our tiny living room looks a mess again. But ds doesnt see any of that, he just sees the toys on the floor, the plates from ds lunch in the sink and think i sit on my bum all day and do nothing. On dh days off he will maybe do the washing up and hoover but he have never once done anything such as mopping the floors, cleaning banisters, bleaching toilet, deep cleaning the bathroom etc if i say i just need a little space, maybe a long shower or be able to drink a warm cup of tea in peace he gets defensive, basically says im lazy and that he would love to stay home and do what i do because "he has given me that opportunity".

To make matters worse ds has just been diagnosed with a diaphragmatic hernia and will need surgery so im a bit of a mess at the moment with all the stress and worry.

I think ive had postnatal depression since ds birth. Ive discussed this with dh but he doesnt really seem to care or support other than shallow words like he will help out more but that never comes to fruition. I just get that fact im a SAHP and the privilege of that thrown in my face all the time. Im frustrated, tired (dh has never gotten up in the night for ds) and just fed up. I dont seem to have a support network that i can rely on. I have an awful pregnancy with ds and have has a prolapse since. He is constantly on at me for sx too but sometime it just hurts to much and i dont seem to have much of a sx drive anymore.

I mainly just want to vent...sorry.

Have you ever suggested that you go out to meet a friend for coffee to get some away time? If so, what was the reaction?

Wow, he's a keeper isn't he. I feel for you as this must be a horrid way to live. He doesn't sound very supportive or that he is bringing anything to your life other than financially. But that's coming at a cost to your mental health and esteem.

Can you look at returning to work, part time even?

Personally, my experience of this was to leave. I get a break when he takes the kids on his contact time. I'm financially independent (now) though, so I know it's not for everyone.

I would not put up with this.

Bloody hell, so he's a rude, arrogant sex pest? He's got you in your place, hasn't he?

Fuck him. You would be happier with a job and childcare, preferably in a lovely flat of your own. Just be aware though - when you do break up with him (and you will eventually), he will refuse to 'look after' his own child as (a) it's inconvenient because reasons, and (b) it's your job because reasons. So don't think '50:50' because that's very unlikely to happen, no matter what other posters say should happen.

Registered childcare is much more reliable than a shit dad. My exH used to love trying to sabotage my job by dicking a round with the arrangements at the last minute, so I learned to anticipate it.

But I did my job well, it paid OK, and at first when I was finding my feet I used decent registered childcare subsidised by WTC (now it would be UC).

Also, I hope you're getting good medical support for your gynae condition.

Would you consider working pt? The situation at the moment is hugely unfair.

OP, this isn’t going to work. SAH is precarious even in the best of situations, but here, with an unsupportive partner, it’s a recipe for disaster. I’d go back to work if I were you.

He sounds awful, absolutely awful, you would be better off on your own, I can’t see what he’s adding to your life. He’s lazy, selfish, sexist, uncaring and a sex pest. Presumably he was like this before, but having a baby and being a SAHM has really brought these awful traits to the forefront?

Dont get me wrong he is loving towards both me and ds. He is a good dad and tries, he does have a very stressful job. Its just frustrating not having someone that fully understands what it means to be a SAHP. He seems to think its a walk in the park. But its not just him, his family have the same mentality and even strangers seem to recoil when they hear im a stay at home mom asif its not a hard job.

I even had a man in the supermarket who we got talking to say that its unfair that my dh "is slaving away at work all day while i sit at home on my arse". It seems to be something of a touchy subject.

I have looked at going back to work but with sons surgery looming over us (we haven't got a date yet) and its a 10-12 week recovery time its kind of on the back burner at the moment.

Dh has wanted to take ds out by himself a few times but i do have quite bad anxiety about being away from ds so i know im putting him between a rock and a hard place when it comes to that.

Other than my parents i literally have no friends (a previous relationship saw to that many years ago and i havent met anyone ive really clicked with since). I dont drive so i feel really isolated. Dh and i get on really well with everything else but we just seem to clash on this point.

He can be a bit of a sex pest but we both had really high sex drives before ds so i knows he gets frustrated. As do i, but i cant help the pain that comes with it.

I just wish he would understand and maybe appreciate me a little more thats all.

So basically you are required to cook, clean, wash, iron, tidy, look after the animals, be sole carer for the baby, and lie back and think of England on demand.

I suggest you find a baby sitter, and learn to drive. Then you take up a regular class or two to make some friends, then once surgery is over, you look for a job. And stop making excuses for him. If he was loving and supportive, you wouldn't be so miserable.

My ex was like that. When I became the sahp, he regarded me as an unemployed single mum (conveniently forgetting he was the single father) and started treating me like shit. It was all about control and wearing me down

When I left, got a job, took back control, he wanted me back again. I couldn't get away fast enough.

Your latest post sounds even worse, OP. You don’t work, don’t drive, don’t have any friends, have separation anxiety from your son such that you can’t even leave him with his father… and on top of that your DH is not actually supportive of you SAH.

You can’t carry on like this. When the surgery is over, start looking for a job. It will get you out of the house and stop you feeling so isolated at the very least.