To become a SAHM or not?

[chrissycarson]

I'm wondering if me carrying on working is actually worth it (for my stress levels), I work part time and earn about £20k but it can be stressful at times and I feel like I'm trying to fit in a full time job in part time hours, and I'm constantly chasing my tail at work and at home.

If you are a SAHP do you actually feel on top of your home? Cleaning, cooking, shopping, organising etc

DH earns around £120k but some of that is bonuses etc so it can vary but we can manage fine on his basic salary. We're not in London so I feel like our outgoings are reasonable.

My children are nearly 2 & 3.5 so I don't know whether it's just because they are still preschool age, will things get easier if I just stick it out until they are at school, and would I regret giving up my job? (It's not a career I'm in love with but I don't hate it) or would I feel less stressed if I just have to worry about the children and the house?

I know nobody can answer this for me but I'd appreciate any thoughts

I would take a year or two off in your position. I didn't like bring a SAHM much. Only did a short stint of a year. Not fond of housework or babygroups. Ok for a bit of a break but as a long term lifestyle no thanks. But its hardly worth being stressed out if you don't need thd monry.,

Well it depends....if you ended up divorcing one day would you expect a greater share of your DH pension and assets because you've been a STAHP...you aren't giving up working to further his career or because you don't have any other childcare options. You'd be giving up work because you want to?

I find being a SAHM lonely, quite unappreciated and I have absolutely no time to myself at all. I get no help from anyone as the general thought seems to be that I am ‘only’ at home so I don’t need free time. I bring a child to every single thing I do (smears, optician, waxing etc etc).

I do all running to everything, so all extra curricular organisation is up to me. I do all homeworks, reading, crafting. Basically it feels very overwhelming sometimes that every single element of 3 children falls to me.

In all honesty, I look at my friends who work and who can take a day off occasionally while the children are in school or childcare and I’m very jealous. Also, I’ve noticed that those who work (in my circle of friends/acquaintances) do tend to get a lot more help from family etc to allow them free time. But this is obviously not true of everyone.

Anyway, you have probably caught me on a bad day, as the baby is being a pain and there’s no escape 🤣

Also, I’ve noticed that those who work (in my circle of friends/acquaintances) do tend to get a lot more help from family etc to allow them free time.

I find it the opposite - I'm a working mum full time - to keep our childcare costs down (have 9 month twins) they are on term time only childcare contracts so need to use all annual leave with DH to cover the holidays and the response I get is "your choice to work" so you'll have to pay for extra childcare

Don't think about SATP as someone staying on top of their housework. With children still at home, you'd be very busy taking care of them, like you do on the weekend if they are at school, then yes you'd have more time. But that is more like a stay-at-home-wife. It's cool!!! I dream about it all the time

It all depends how you feel about your job vs childcare. If your work is career based, something you enjoy, something that pays a few more bills, you like being busy, .... then stay at your job part time and you can stay part time or move to full time later on. If not, and you can afford it, you can leave your job and enjoy your kids, specially before they start reception they won't have much free time then.

Regarding housework, people make do. They find ways to tackle it. 5 mins here, 5 mins there makes a difference. Honestly!

@luckystar1 I must say this is what I am afraid of! I do feel a lot of that already but "at least" I have work to break it up a bit and have some time where I'm not just mum.

I don't think it would be a permanent switch for me and I'd probably plan to do it for a few years but I worry once I was out of work I might find it hard to get another job, I've been at my current company for a while and they are pretty flexible which I think has also played into me not wanting to give up the setup I have there.

I do really appreciate people giving opinions on this so thank you! I know the whole SAHP thing can be a bit divisive on here

What @Luckystar1 said. No pay equals no rights. It's not all bad and there are many parts of the day that are so lovely. But it is tough living at your work place and having no contrast. Also, I find when you're not making money you're spending it... but if it's only for a year you might enjoy it

If you don’t love your job/career it could be worth giving it a try and see how it goes. I have 2 toddlers and some days are overwhelming but I do love being at home with them. I returned to work 4 days a week after my first maternity leave and did feel I was chasing my tail all the time.

I’m also studying part time and that gives me something for myself. Hopefully will be a new career path for me once the kids are a bit older.

Definitely second the idea of giving it a go if you don't love your job. You can always get another job later if you wish.

Having said that, it's hard and exhausting and the housework is not all done. It can also be quite lonely at times. However you get to see every first and really see them grow and that for me anyway, is worth it.

I’d try hiring some help eg cleaner first
Also does your DH pull his weight,??

I wouldn’t leave. I worked (part time) throughout having my four (not literally, obviously… ) and it’s helped me be where I want to be now. I’ve built the equity so to speak. If you leave, getting back could be hard.

I have been a sahm for 15 years.Having a husband that worked long hours and weekends it seemed like the best option.Although I am very lucky I had the chance to stay at home with DC, if I had known what I know now,I would have definitely gone part time.The reasons being,boredom,keeping your sanity,obviously more money,keeping a foot in the door,being a more patient less bedraggled parent and the one thing I wasn't expecting was the constant nasty comments about sahm's.I ended up having to totally avoid most mums at the school gate because of the, what I can only describe as bullying.It effected my self esteem and feel like a shadow of my former working self.This is only my experience, I just know giving up work completely was a big mistake.

Honestly… 10 days of annual leave with my toddler and no nursery was exhausting.
Lovely, but exhausting.
Work can give you that sense of adult life but each to their own

Yes I was a SAHM and everyone will have an opinion, most positive I found, but one said I was stuck in the 1950s and they were a better parent than me because they paid others to look after the child.

I'd do a year as SAHM and then review.

I took almost ten years off while my three children were at home. I went back to work when the youngest started school though as I decided I didn’t want to be a housekeeper. So now I work part time and we have a cleaner. DH does some of the house admin. I also like that I’m showing the children that women can work.

These are my reasons, they won’t be the same for everyone.

How much you enjoy your job is also a factor.

Now in my fifties it’s the time to reflect on what happened to my closest contemporaries.

There have been divorces, there are still very happy marriages, sadly two of my friends died young and one was widowed young, infertility, never finding the right man, career progression and failure, health conditions and elderly parents needing care.

In all these factors and permutations, looking at the way these women’s lives turned out the question for me always is could they survive financially alone?

Remove all sentiment from your decision and just work out the long term consequences on your finances if you end up alone. It isn’t the same for every SAHP. I know that if I end up alone that I can survive financially without DH easily. Will my standard of living slip? Well it would be goodbye to very expensive holidays but it would still be completely fine.

I have been a SAHM for 3 years due to circumstances and I would not recommend it. I've lost confidence in my former career, it's incredibly isolating, you spend countless hours stuck at home. I'm a worse mother bc I can't be bothered to play pretend for the millionth time with no break so I pop on the tele. My house is never tidy bc we are here all the time, constantly creating mess. I never get me time or if my dh does take dd out it's for 2 hours tops and I end up rushing around cleaning and doing all the jobs I can't do when I'm with her.

There are some nice bits - meeting up with friends for play dates, seeing dd learn new things, not having to rush out the door in the morning. But I would go part time rather than SAHM full time. It would be a much better balance. The people who I know who do enjoy being a SAHP have lots of family support. My friend has 3 kids and they spend 2-3 days per week at grandparents to give her a break and time to do hobbies, jobs, appointments etc.