Do you ever feel guilty for not contributing?

[downanddepressed]

I have a 4 year old DS, I worked full time dental nursing before I had him but didn't go back afterwards. When he was 2 I got a job in a tearoom but I lost that due to COVID when it closed. I'm due DC2 in October.
I feel really down about myself and the fact I'm not contributing financially. I feel like a scrounged and it's made worse by the fact DP works from home a lot now so I don't even feel like my worth is from having DS as he's at home anyway and looks after him as much as I do really, especially since being pregnant.
Also those of you who are SAHP.. how much does your partner earn for you to be able to that if you don't mind me asking?

[Bluntness100]

That’s a quite weird op you mainly talk about feeling guilty but yay actually just want to know peoples house hold incomes? Why?

[downanddepressed]

@Bluntness100

That’s a quite weird op you mainly talk about feeling guilty but yay actually just want to know peoples house hold incomes? Why?

I just wondered really what people manage to "get by" on. I feel really guilty as I sometimes think to myself if I was working we would be able to afford a bigger house etc and it's my fault we can't have the nice things. I just wondered what people manage to live on, they don't have to tell me.

[Lonelylooloo]

OP stop going down this spiral of self degradation your worth is not solely based on your earnings.

You stayed home to raise a child. That IS a full time job, seriously they pay nannies crazy money it is a legitimate full time job…just apparently not when they are your own children in societies opinion

Also being pregnant is really hard especially with a toddler too. I couldn’t work through either of my pregnancies due to medical complications and I felt awful about it at the time but on reflection I wish I’d not. I had no reason to feel guilty, it wasn’t my fault.

Does your DP have an issue with you being a SAHP? Do you want to go back to work? Are you financially secure (if you’re not married)? Those are the only things that matter. Being a mum is hard work. I went back PT to do a bit of both.

[downanddepressed]

@Lonelylooloo it's so hard not to beat yourself up though isn't it. I've been too ill throughout my entire pregnancy to be able to work at all.
DP doesn't make me feel guilty or he didn't, when I was at my most ill during this pregnancy and was unable to hardly get out of bed I suppose he did a bit as he was working, looking after DS and doing everything round the house.
We were meant to get married but it got cancelled due to COVID.
I'm hoping when baby comes along I'll feel like I have more of a purpose. When I was working part time and DP worked in an office I felt a lot better about myself. I think it's because I lost my job and DP is at home all the time so often does DS his lunch and gets up with him etc I just feel like I really am pointless.

[Bluntness100]

Op people get by on all sorts, from benefits only onwards. There’s no one answer. Some are wealthy, some are in poverty, many in a grey area in between

If money is tight then when the nursery free hours kick in consider going back to work. Or if you can afford child care for your youngest go back sooner.

[ElderflowerRose]

I am currently on ML (back to work soon - boo) but I have a WFH DP and find it hard, mainly because it’s more difficult to just relax and chill in the house. I find I’m constantly aware of noise and mess!

I think being a SAHP can work really well in many setups and I’m sure you’ve done an amazing job with your little boy. I feel so guilty mine is going to nursery FT, although hopefully will only be for a year or so.

Don’t forget none of us predicted a pandemic, you couldn’t help your job falling through!

[GoodnightGrandma]

When I was a SAHP there is no way me and DH could have both worked. He had a very good wage, and I saw my ‘work’ as staying at home so he could provide for us. So in that way we both worked, and therefore I worked more hours than him.

[Winifredgoose]

Not in the slightest.

[MayorGoodwaysChicken]

Unless you’re financially independent you have taken an enormous gamble bring a SAHP before getting married. You’re potentially very vulnerable. Do you own or rent your home and is your name on it? I know it wasn’t your question but I don’t know whether you’d be saying you felt guilty not contributing if your partner didn’t plant that seed in your mind, and being a SAHP when your partner doesn’t fully want that or see it as valuable, is risky when married. Unmarried it’s insanity.

[Redred993]

I feel this all the time. DH has a great career and while I've always had work it's never amounted to more than entry level pay. We're ok just on his wage, so I'm a SAHM rather than getting a job where 90% of my salary goes to a nursery. I tell myself why work just to let someone else raise her? DH is great about it and encouraging, but he works so hard, often bringing work home and working until midnight after dinner. I can't help but feel ashamed and guilty. This isn't helped by DH feeling like he's missing so much time with DD. I struggle some days, but feel like I can't complain because he would love to stay home with her. So it gets bottled up :/

[pregnantncnc]

I don't feel guilty at all because I know I contribute significantly. When and if I go back into paid employment, DH will have to hugely increase his contribution to the running of our household.

When I first became a SAHP DH's earnings before tax were between £25-30K. He earns quite a lot more now as he can put a lot more time into his business as I take on the majority of the household work/life admin/etc, whereas before we shared that equally. We do about 50/50 of the parenting, though, as he works from home.

[SprigofSage]

I'd only feel guilty if I didn't think I made a contribution, but I do. Being a SAHP and running the house is priceless. If I went back to work, we'd be forking out for childcare, rushed off our feet, I'd be paying to commute, and we'd probably spend more money on food - at the moment it's all home cooked other than the odd treat!

You need to reframe how you think about your role in the family. You are literally PRICELESS. Just like any any other job you can coast, do what you have to, and everyone just gets by. OR you can do your very, very best and watch as everyone in your family flourishes because of your support, and feel a huge sense of satisfaction and purpose!

I'm not saying you don't do that, but I think you're selling yourself short!

[SprigofSage]

Why do these bloody zombie threads cup up in trending!! Drives me mad.

[ChuckMater]

Im a bit confused. My dh works from home but he's working not doing childcare...

[thebeespyjamas]

@downanddepressed

I have a 4 year old DS, I worked full time dental nursing before I had him but didn't go back afterwards. When he was 2 I got a job in a tearoom but I lost that due to COVID when it closed. I'm due DC2 in October.
I feel really down about myself and the fact I'm not contributing financially. I feel like a scrounged and it's made worse by the fact DP works from home a lot now so I don't even feel like my worth is from having DS as he's at home anyway and looks after him as much as I do really, especially since being pregnant.
Also those of you who are SAHP.. how much does your partner earn for you to be able to that if you don't mind me asking?

Your contribution is equal to your partners. It's not the same, but it's equal.

If you are providing a clean home, meals, laundry, and support to the person providing financially, you are equally contributing.

My husband pays the bills. I pick up his dishes and laundry. I clean when things are dirty. I make every meal.

My contribution is equal. Taking the stress away like that enables him to comfortably pursue his career.

Our contributions as SAHMs is equal.

Please don't sell yourself short like that. Your husband should agree also, he won't turn around in ten years and say 'you did nothing' he will say 'thank you for providing for this family while I provided for this family.'

He should, and you should clarify this.