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A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

SAHP

I have no social skills and no desire to interact with others

10 replies

Winecurestiredness · 23/07/2021 19:35

Hi. I've been a SAHP for 9 years...I also have social anxiety disorder since childhood so I guess being a SAHP has given me the perfect opportunity to not force myself out of my comfort zone. I'm on the autism spectrum too, aspergers and have a child with aspergers too. Had a traumatic time 3 years ago with a cancer diagnosis and lost my 3rd child at 36 weeks because of treatment for said cancer. We then moved house and DS1 moved school. I have tried to socialise with other mums at the school for 3 years but I honestly am struggling. I try to pretend im interested in what they're talking about but I just don't feel like I have anything in common with the mums in my DSs class anymore. They do a lot of small talk, mostly about things like love island, nights out they've been on, and mutual friends. I've literally got nothing to add to that. I feel very boring and depressing and negative. I don't go out because DS wouldn't stand for that, he won't be left with his dad. I don't watch social TV shows like love island because It reminds me of high school and sexual abuse I had there, so thus brings up the social anxiety for me again . I feel like I need to just lighten up perhaps for both my son's sakes but that just isn't me. Since DS3 died I have felt like a literal outsider. I'm really struggling to find anyone I have anything in common with.

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DameCelia · 23/07/2021 19:39

Oh @Winecurestiredness
I don't have anything to suggest but I didn't want to read and run.
Flowers you've had a really tough time, if you were in my circle I'd want to talk to you, I've never seen Love Island and a 'night out' is my idea of hell.
It does sound as if you are struggling, is there anything you think would help?

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PlantDoctor · 23/07/2021 19:41

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

Honestly talking about Love Island and people I don't know wouldn't interest me either! Have you got any hobbies or interests you'd enjoy talking about? If you actually want to interact (not saying you have to), perhaps join a group based on those interests. It could even be online to build up to IRL relationships.

Do you have friends or family outside of school run that you could hang out with?

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Buppers · 23/07/2021 19:51

Oh, OP.

What a lot you have had to cope with. The loss of a baby at 36 weeks alone would floor most people who didn't have any additional issues. Have you talked to your GP? I know it sounds trite, but if you hit on a good one, they can really help - or can point you in the right direction. Sometimes, though, just having someone who 'gets' it makes a difference.

For what it's worth, I don't even have a TV, so a conversation about Love Island would be lost on me. "Nights out" would be my worst nightmare, and I am pretty sociable. What you are seeing is the 'lowest common denominator' stuff. This is what tends to make the most noise. But among this noise, there will be other women who feel as if they don't fit in, and who would love to be friends with you.

You also need to remember (and I'm at the other end of this, as my final DC is about to leave school) that the junior school playground is just a drop in the ocean. There are endless friends to be made, and there's no compulsion to find them in the playground. I've done school playgrounds to death, and only one in my experience was a pleasant experience. The others were horrendous. I used to pretend to be talking to someone on my phone so as not to have to engage at all, in one case.

You have had a really horrible time. One of my DC (now adult) has an ASD, so I know that it itself is a challenge. I think it has actually used up all my energy, and that subsequent DC have suffered as a result. I have no idea how anyone would cope with everything you have coped with as well. I think it would be beyond coping.

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Winecurestiredness · 23/07/2021 19:57

I used to have interests as a child but i gave up as I felt like I wasn't good at them. So for example I used to do dance a lot, but the dance teacher used to berate me in front of the other children so that really put me off dance. I was diagnosed on the spectrum late at 23 so a lot of people thought I was arrogant, naughty, clumsy or all 3. Also used to do horse riding...I was very much a typical little girl...sadly the instructor took a dislike to me and my clumsiness so that didn't last either. I do yoga at home while the children are at school and go to puregym, listen to music, but apart from that nothing else. I think I would feel too ashamed to attend a yoga class...as a child I was constantly being moved into correct positions at dance classes and I really didn't like that breach of physical space

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DennisTMenace · 23/07/2021 21:20

Are you actually unhappy with your life? If you have no desire to interact with others is it just that you think you should be? If you are happy then there doesn't seem much need to change. If you are unhappy then of course that is different.

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Winecurestiredness · 23/07/2021 21:33

I'm quite happy in my own Insular world. I'm going back to university in September and I'm looking forward to studying. But I do dread the social side of it all

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PlantDoctor · 23/07/2021 21:41

University is as social or not as you make it really. Yes, you may have to work in groups occasionally, but most people dislike that so you won't be alone! It is fairly common for mature students with families to turn up, study, and leave as they have responsibilities at home. Quite different to the 18 year olds with little to do but study and socialise. Don't let that worry you!

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ConkerBonkers · 23/07/2021 21:45

Winecurestiredness don't worry about uni, just do as much or as little socialising as you feel like...in some ways you will be a little fish in a big pond and there will be plenty of people on the spectrum around you, and there will be some understanding there. Make sure you let support services know you are on the spectrum so that this filters back to your tutors and you aren't picked on in class to ask questions without putting your hand up first for example

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MsMartini · 23/07/2021 21:56

OP, you have had a tough old time Flowers.

I'd like to talk to you, you sound smart and self-aware.

And I agree about pursuing an interest IF you want to interact more. I do a lot of group exercise and think attitudes have really changed - I've had a range of instructors and they have all been supportive, and many really lovely. Maybe try a yoga class? - I've seen some in the parks round here that look great and you can have a little chat afterwards if you want to. I think sharing an experience can be very satisfying and enriching, even if you don't talk - but at least you have something in common if you do!

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CarolinaInMyMind · 23/07/2021 22:08

Sorry to hear this. It sounds really hard and the kind of situation that is very hard to get out of.

I would suggest very small steps that you take every day. E.g.

Doing a self-love mediation (search for Yoga with Adriene's one on youtube) every morning

Doing a gratitude practice every night (write three simple things you are grateful for)

Try aiming for one social interaction a wee (one text to someone asking how they are; one reply on whatsapp etc). Good way to be social is also offering to help and being vulnerable. Both really build bonds.

It all sounds really hard and like youve been through a lot. Once you feel uninteresting and unfunny (you didnt say that, might be me projecting) it is like a self-fulfilling prophesy. But anyone can change and it doesnt take much. And its still all you, just the you that has yet to be uncovered!

Sounds hard but also like you will have a reserve of strength and power that that hardship and suffering will have created.

Best of luck Flowers

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