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A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

SAHP

How do you do it?

21 replies

Ilovesweets123 · 06/12/2020 20:14

Genuine question.
Why are you a stay at home parent?
I am currently on maternity leave. I have a 17 month old and a 5 week old. The days are so long and hard. There are no breaks at all. I am already looking forward to going back to work in 8 months. Do you enjoy it? Am I a bad mum for being exhausted and looking forward to when they nap/sleep? Is it because my children are so small i don't feel the 'satisfaction' that I have seen others post? How do you cope with such little adult interaction?
I don't know if it would be completely different without covid, as I do feel extremely isolated atm but just curious as to your experiences of being a sahm.
I am not here to judge anyone at all btw! Just curious:)

OP posts:
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Teakind · 06/12/2020 20:15

It’s very different without covid. Before, we had numerous groups during the week and I’d meet different friends.

Now it’s just Groundhog Day!

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Teakind · 06/12/2020 20:16

In terms of why, I love being with them and would miss them terribly if they were in nursery and I was at work. I’m very lucky we can afford for me to be off for a few years.

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Lazypuppy · 06/12/2020 20:18

I couldn't imagine anything worse than being a SAHP for myself personally. I am me first and a parent 2nd, and qhen i qas on maternity leave i felt like i lost myself. Going back to work has been amazing, i love going into work, and just being me!then i love coming home and seeing dd after nursery.

I always knew i would never be a SAHP

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keeperswif · 06/12/2020 20:33

I enjoyed to a point.. but so grateful when youngest started school last year, always worked part time back when youngest 6 maths and eldest 10mts now full time and love it

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WellyBootsAreYouFrom · 06/12/2020 20:44

I love being at home with my kids. I can't get my head around going to work and having them go to nursery all day. I guess we all approach this stuff differently.
I haven't really felt a great loss with Covid arriving, we didn't go to many groups etc but keep busy with lots of outdoor time, walks, trampoline etc

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Misstabithabean · 06/12/2020 21:58

I love being a sahp and do it because I think I'd feel incredibly stressed if I'd gone back to my old job and been juggling that and looking after my little one. Because of this, I feel I'm a happier, more relaxed parent than I would have been if I was also going out to work.
I have lots of sahp friends and my husband is now working from home so feel I get plenty of interaction. It's not the same as interaction at work and there are moments when time drags a bit but these get fewer as my DS gets older. Like you OP, I look forward to the break when my DS has naptime and bedtime!

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LemonGreen · 07/12/2020 18:30

I felt it was beneficial to my kids to have a parent at home with them, as I did when I was a kid. The division of labour works for me and DH - we both do what we're good at and stay relatively sane! I've been able to give the kids lots of support through their education, including prepping my eldest to get into a very good secondary, and facilitate lots of extracurricular stuff and all three do very well. Lots of my friends work less than full time so we are often out walking the parks in Covid times and me and DH can do things together during the day. I volunteer too, which I love. Dealing with 3 small kids was rough at times but I'm glad I did it now and I think my family appreciate it

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Magicbabywaves · 07/12/2020 18:44

A few reasons.

Firstly, I would never say this to anyone in RL, but I didn’t like the idea of leaving my children in a nursery for ten hours a day. I went back to work when two of mine were 1 and 3 and they were frazzled by the long day.
I didn’t like my job and it wasn’t really comparable with having young children.
We can afford it and I don’t mind it. It can be dull and I understand why people prefer work, but I don’t.

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nomorespaghetti · 07/12/2020 18:49

Covid has made it quite crap! During lockdown when my 4 year old was at home (should have been at school nursery, which she loved, and she has a disability and SEN so really missed the routine and therapy) I was going insane. Also have a 2 year old. But in normal times I do love it! I think it is harder when they’re very little, and that’s a small age gap. It’s exhausting! Hang in there OP, I’m sure you’re doing brilliantly, your little one is so tiny, it’s all about survival at the moment Flowers

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nomorespaghetti · 07/12/2020 18:50

@Magicbabywaves

A few reasons.

Firstly, I would never say this to anyone in RL, but I didn’t like the idea of leaving my children in a nursery for ten hours a day. I went back to work when two of mine were 1 and 3 and they were frazzled by the long day.
I didn’t like my job and it wasn’t really comparable with having young children.
We can afford it and I don’t mind it. It can be dull and I understand why people prefer work, but I don’t.

I too can completely understand why some people prefer to work. I’m not one of them. But it would be boring if everyone was the same Grin
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SillyOldMummy · 07/12/2020 18:58

I went back to work when my DD was 11 months, and although she was fine, I found it exhausting and stressful (but needed the money so had no choice). Now with DS who is 2 I'm a SAHM by choice and I absolutely love it. I love not having to worry about work. I love making my son happy every day and watching him grow and change. I am completely fulfilled. I'm lucky , I guess.

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HelloRose · 08/12/2020 14:20

I think you're at a really tough stage OP with a newborn and toddler. It won't always be as hard as it is for you now. Obviously it is difficult with covid, but you have to get out and see people. Staying at home all day would drive me insane too. DC also goes to nursery a few mornings so I have "me" time. I'm lucky to have a mix of friends and family to see every day for a (covid friendly) coffee & stroll in park. Those with kids and some without (which is great for changing the topic of conversation to something other than children). So 'adult' conversation or lack of it really isn't an issue for me. The days can be full on, but I had a full on job in banking prior to being a sahm so those days were tough too for different reasons. So in answer to your question, yes I absolutely enjoy it. I love the giggles, laughter and cuddles. I would hate to miss out on those. It's just something I've always wanted to do and that's what gets me through the tough parts of being at home. A lot of sahms have chosen this path and sacrificed their career for that reason. As for naps... best part of the day! Don't feel guilty!

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peakotter · 09/12/2020 18:10

I agree that you’re at the hardest stage, especially with that age gap. It will get easier once the older one can watch tv properly!!

I’m a SAHM because I think it’s best for our whole family. Dh works away a lot and my previous job was full time or nothing. We don’t have family support. I think it’s best for my kids to have that stability, especially the one with additional needs.

There are days when I love it and days when the little ones drive me mad. I’ve been a SAHP for 10 years now and I have volunteered for 9 of them, that’s helped me keep my sanity and adult conversations. I prefer volunteering to working part time as I have more control over my workload and for me it’s more rewarding.

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widespreadpanic · 09/12/2020 18:36

I was a SAHP for a few months after my daughter was born and I hated it. It was boring and I crave interaction with adults. I also felt like it made me a bad mom cause I resented being home. Once I started working again i was a much better mom and my daughter (once she was a yr old and aware) LOVED going to nursery and being around others. I was much happier and a better mom being a working parent. My daughter is grown now and very well adjusted and was at the top of her class in school and university so she didn't suffer from me working when she was young.

Every one is different so you have to do things that make you happy and not what everyone else and society says you "should" do.

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Horehound · 09/12/2020 18:39

I always thought I'd love to be a sahp but actually, now I have gone down from full Tien to part time and my son is cared for Mon-wed I have him Thurs and Fri and honestly I find it quite full on and tiring. I'm increasing him to 3 days at nursery from Jan and my mum takes him one day so I'll only have him the Friday by myself and frankly, that's plenty!
I wish I had kids earlier! I'm going back to work four days I think from Jan but night even think about full time again!

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MillieMooBee · 09/12/2020 18:56

I always admire SAHP. Part of me wishes I could have been the sort of person to do it but i just wasn't. I love working. Getting up and dressed and out the door. I guess it's lucky we are all different and awesome in our own way x

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Babdoc · 09/12/2020 19:04

I hated being at home. I went back to work part time when DD1 was 4 months old. I worked until 8 months pregnant with DD2, and went back to work again when she was 4 months. DH died before her first birthday, so I had to gradually increase my working hours up to full time to support the family.
They never went to a nursery - I had a childminder neighbour until DH died, then hired a live out nanny for the days I worked.
I loved my DDs when they were babies of course, but enjoyed them much more when they could talk and have opinions!

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bonbon08 · 10/12/2020 19:21

Hi completely understandable you are not a bad mum at all! The reason why you are not enjoying it and feeling the satisfaction I would say is probably hugely due to the ages of your children I have a 6 year old, 16 month old and 5 month old!.. fast forward say a year and it will be completely different still hard but in a different way a lot more rewarding lots more good times you will see , you are not getting the real picture of what life would be like and is for sahps -when you get out of the baby / very young toddler stage there's so much more fun to be had when the care needs are not so high trust me being a sahp is not just naps feeding and nappies!! You can get out more and plan so much more when they are older, the older they get the more exciting and rewarding it is to see them grow into little people, it makes the hard times so much better when u can see your hard work paying off with them learning more things having conversations with you etc! I think if you can it is a lot better for children to be a stay at home parent when they are very young but that's just my opinion. Also you need to find pleasure in the small things in life and don't beat yourself up as it is so hard when they are young and small age gap and don't set your expectations to high ..as long as everyone is fed washed etc some cuddles then you're doing ok! .. and make time for yourself when you can ..however small like even trying to make 5 mins for a hot cup of tea! Also take any help you can from family members and ask your partner to help more with anything. Trust me it gets easier everyone says there's hard things about every stage which there is but I think it's a lot more enjoyable and rewarding as they get older and easier in ways too. You need to get through these hard times and look ahead for the future and the time does go so fast when they are small.

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samb80 · 10/12/2020 19:31

100% not fit to be a SAHM
I am in serious admiration to anyone that can do that job.
The best piece of parenting advise I was given:

Do what you've got to do, to be the best parent you can be.

For me, coming home excited to see my children beats resenting their constant needs for me to meet their demands.

Happy mum - happy home.
Quality over quantity

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MuchTooTired · 10/12/2020 19:57

I’m a sahm to my DTs.

Before I had kids, I always wanted to be a sahm, and thought it would be brilliant. Once I had kids, I realised it’s pretty shit a lot of the time and I dream of going to work. Unfortunately, too much pissing around in my youth has ensured I now don’t have enough earning capacity to pay the £25k a year full time nursery costs for the DTs.

I am currently listening to one kid scream her head off and I’ve been battling for over an hour to get them to stay in their beds. I am just not cut out for this shit!

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BuzzingtheBee · 10/12/2020 20:07

You have two babies, in a pandemic. My age gaps were a bit bigger and still found the days soooo long! I love working now, its my sanity!!

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