Really struggling

[Littlesparrow0]

I have a 2 & 3 yr old.. And im a SAHM
I've really struggled since the birth of my 2 yr old. She hasn't been developing properly according to milestones and they reckon she is displaying autistic symptoms. Due her lack of eye contact etc engaging with her is really hard & its breaking my heart. Shes not saying words at all just babbling like a 1 yr old would do. Im still struggling at night with her. She just cries & cries and she cried so hard and loud it sounds like we are hurting her. Ive heard my next door neighbours a few times making comments regarding it and now its made me really paranoid so I'm running to her everytime in order to try and settle her which is obviously confusing her even more then.
I've tried everything even the controlled crying thing but that's the point I heard my neighbours gossiping about it so I've had to abandon that.

I'm finding it difficult to get out of the house with both of them at the one time. Even going to the park is totally exhausting. I literally spend my time running from one to the other as my daughter won't respond to me calling her etc and runs off. And ive been feeling so guilty as all my time goes into my daughter that I feel my 3 yr old is getting left behind. Im totally heartbroken.

I'm that depressed I almost ended my own life 2 weeks ago. My daughter was completely inconsolable. I had been trying to settle her from 8pm and come 4am I couldn't take it anymore. I just put on my clothes left the kids with my partner and got into the car. I took myself to a river where I honestly very nearly jumped in but in the end up I didn't because of the effect it would have on my family and kids. Im struggling so much and just feel so isolated. I now wish I'd never had my daughter. Things have been so hard since she cane along and my mental health and just went down hill so much because of that. I feel disgusting for even thinking this way but I cant just help think of how easier things would be if it was just me and my son. I coukd get out more, go more places etc and hes just so sociable. My daughter is the total opposite. Ive recently noticed my partners family just in some ways ignore her after a while as she wont take intereact with anyone. Everything is breaking my heart. And thinking of what the future holds is breaking me even more. I spent so long trying to have my kids and lost 2 along the way. I should be so happy. It should be the total opposite of what it really is.

I didn't want to read & run. Just to say I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles OP. It sounds extremely tough. Can your partner help or give you a slight break?
Even 30 mins can make the world of difference to clear your head and reset.

(If you repost this in 'Parenting' you might get more traffic and words of encouragement & advice from other mums)

I’m so sorry to hear what a hard time you’re going through. It’s so hard to be a SAHM of two kids under 3, never mind when one of them has autistic symptoms that are making life even harder for you. Of course you are feeling overwhelmed by it all and I’m so sad to hear you came so close to taking your own life. You really need a break now and then and a lot more support and regular time you can spend with just your son. Don’t tell yourself you’re disgusting for feeling this way, you’re not at all, the way you’re feeling is totally natural given your circumstances and if you had more support you’d be able to enjoy your kids more and your life in general more.
Is your partner supportive and could you incorporate a break into your week where you have time by yourself or with friends? Can you also afford a babysitter for a couple hours each week?
I don’t know how it all works with getting a diagnosis for your daughter and accessing the support you need but I imagine these things are harder than ever with the pandemic. I know I don’t have any helpful advice but just wanted to say yes things are really hard for you right, anyone would feel as you do, you are doing amazingly well and your kids are lucky to have you, and one day it will not feel as bad as this, 2 and 3 are such hard ages at the best of times and I really really hope you get all the support you need.

Please get help. First step gp. You're doing the hardest job in the world

I think it sounds like you are doing fantastically, you should be so proud of yourself but I know it doesn’t feel like that. You really must see your doctor about how you are feeling. Do either of the children have childcare? Is that something you could access and then rest while they are in childcare. I am so sorry, it sounds like you are really not getting the help you need.

Hi,

I'm really sorry your at the end of your tether at the moment. It sounds like you need an intervention to get more sleep and easier time.

-Are you in a position to put your daughter in childcare for a few mornings a week? It might do you both the world of good.

• If your daughter has autistic tendencies the following might really help:

-A visual time table of what she is doing in the day so she knows what is coming. Let her know in advance if there's a change

• Use really simple sentences like "Bring me the toy" as too much language is hard work
• get a timer so she has time to complete each task or something like a sand timer to sooth her
• strip your rooms to be as bare as possible and avoid having background noise like the tv on. Even blinds swaying in the wind can be a problem.
• as much as possible stick to the same routine every day.
• only give two choices "ie coco pops or Frosties"

They may help. But it sounds like you're doing an amazing job, you've got the toughest job in the world and when you felt like you had nothing left to give you went and gave a bit more anyway; what a hero.

It sounds like you need to speak to your OH and wider family and explain the situation and ask them for more support. I'm a firm believer that one woman wasn't ever designed to raise small people on her own!