Please be honest...

mum1993 · 2020-09-06T18:01:26+00:00

I’m a SAHM to a just turned 3 year old and a 7 month old. I feel like I’m really struggling at the moment and I feel like my partner is not helping at all. I haven’t had a break from being mum since January and I feel like when I mention this he makes comments like, ‘well you’re going to be their mum til you die!’ It makes me feel bad for wanting time to myself, like perhaps I shouldn’t be feeling that way? He is out at work between 8-5 but as soon as he gets home he is constantly on the phone about work for another few hours. He does work Saturdays every other weekend and even worked all day today (Sunday)! He doesn’t help around the house and I feel like I’m nagging him all the time which then causes arguments. We have the same argument over and over again and I’m sick and tired of repeating myself all the time. All I want is a little bit of support and not to feel so alone all the time! I sometimes think about leaving but then I get scared that if I go and I’m struggling already how would I cope being just me 24 hours of the day. I don’t really know what I’m asking you guys but I just need to get this of my chest and talk about it with people I don’t know and who don’t know him!

Pipandmum · 06/09/2020 19:10

You work as a mother, he works at whatever. When he gets home, he needs to step up and you share the duties. So one of you makes dinner while the other gets the kids bathed and ready for bed - he should do the kids as it's a great bonding experience!
Then on weekends you say to him that you are off for half a day on Saturday so he's in charge of the kids. And afterwards you all do something together. He can half a day on the weekend to do what he wants to - though of he chooses to work that's his problem.
Don't ask, tell him.

ShyTown · 06/09/2020 19:15

Those hours leave very little time for his family. Are they necessary for him to keep his job and/or earn enough money to facilitate you being a SAHM? Or do you think he’s a workaholic, or using work as an excuse to essentially check out of family life?

But I personally wouldn’t be happy with that arrangement at all.

Original poster

mum1993 · 06/09/2020 19:18

@ShyTown

Those hours leave very little time for his family. Are they necessary for him to keep his job and/or earn enough money to facilitate you being a SAHM? Or do you think he’s a workaholic, or using work as an excuse to essentially check out of family life?

But I personally wouldn’t be happy with that arrangement at all.

He is self employed so I do understand that he needs to work for financial reasons etc. but at the same time he always wants more. More money and bigger house etc. Where as I think he’s working so much focussing on the future instead of focussing on the family and what’s happening right now.

OP posts:

Lockdownseperation · 06/09/2020 19:19

Well if you got divorced you would get every other weekend off. At times I’ve considering divorce DH for this reason, he does pull his weight but having young children is relentless.

Things should be starting to get easier for you now with the ages of your children but Covid has made things difficult. Have you actually sat him down and said “I’m struggling I need x, y and z. How can we make this happen?”

Original poster

mum1993 · 06/09/2020 19:22

@Lockdownseperation

Well if you got divorced you would get every other weekend off. At times I’ve considering divorce DH for this reason, he does pull his weight but having young children is relentless.

Things should be starting to get easier for you now with the ages of your children but Covid has made things difficult. Have you actually sat him down and said “I’m struggling I need x, y and z. How can we make this happen?”

Covid definitely hasn’t helped at all!

I’ve told him nicely and I’ve told him bluntly. Things change for about a week and then just go straight back to normal.

OP posts:

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 06/09/2020 19:25

What's YOUR financial situation OP ? Please say you are married ? Or at least house in joint names ? I fear as you said 'partner' you may not be.. and he is self employed.. (perfect way to avoid CMS !)

Original poster

mum1993 · 06/09/2020 19:27

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel

What's YOUR financial situation OP ? Please say you are married ? Or at least house in joint names ? I fear as you said 'partner' you may not be.. and he is self employed.. (perfect way to avoid CMS !)

Not married but house is both of our names.

OP posts:

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 06/09/2020 20:28

That's a small relief. When you say both your names , owned or rented ? If rented do you have an equal share ?

If rented do you have a joint account or die you rely on him to give you money. Are there savings ? If so in joint account ?

Sorry for all the questions.. but I think you need practical advice along side all the usual LTB comments that inevitably come from situations like yours.. because being knackered with two kids and a lazy partner when it comes to household/children is one thing.. but being a single mother relying on benefits and a partner avoiding child maintenance is a whole other gruesome experience..

It depends how desperate to leave him you are. ? If it's just laziness, personally I would get a job as soon as possible, make sure he pays half childcare costs and start stashing some money in a running way fund.

Original poster

mum1993 · 06/09/2020 20:45

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel

That's a small relief. When you say both your names , owned or rented ? If rented do you have an equal share ?

If rented do you have a joint account or die you rely on him to give you money. Are there savings ? If so in joint account ?

Sorry for all the questions.. but I think you need practical advice along side all the usual LTB comments that inevitably come from situations like yours.. because being knackered with two kids and a lazy partner when it comes to household/children is one thing.. but being a single mother relying on benefits and a partner avoiding child maintenance is a whole other gruesome experience..

It depends how desperate to leave him you are. ? If it's just laziness, personally I would get a job as soon as possible, make sure he pays half childcare costs and start stashing some money in a running way fund.

House is owned and I have some personal savings.

Thank you for the practical advice. It’s definitely things I need to consider before just leaving and not being in a good position too!

I mean I’m still hoping things change but need to be prepared in case that doesn’t happen.

OP posts:

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 06/09/2020 22:39

That's really good news.. was worried you would be completely reliant on him financially.. making it much harder to leave if you need to.

Next thing to check is universal credit. Go to the turn2us web site and use the calculator. Any CMS you get will be on top.
You can also claim housing allowance for rent while the house is sold if it comes to that. Just make sure you know exactly where you would stand.

Meanwhile I hope you sort it out. I have to say he is working a lot.. and is probably knackered. Is getting a cleaner in for a couple of hours an week that would free up your time and his a possibility.. would cost about 10/11 ph round here. A cleaner with no baby distractions can do a lot in a couple of hours meaning you would just have to do the basics and give you a bit of time..