How do you approach big financial decisions?

[NotanotherSAHM]

Interested to hear how everyone else approaches big financial decisions and whether it’s natural that if one partner is the breadwinner, they have more of a say on things like this. I’m talking things like moving house, renovation projects, big holidays etc.

I feel very lucky to be a SAHM and have mostly enjoyed it so far. I have a great husband who values what I do for us and does his fair share, very hands on dad etc but recently I’m starting to feel the imbalance of power.

We want to move house and although it’s more complicated for us as my husband is self employed (accounts etc have to be up to date before we can proceed with seeing a mortgage adviser, viewing houses, making offers etc) I just feel a bit powerless and seem to have no control over when we can or do pursue these things.

It got me thinking about whether this is unique to our situation or if it is a general thing when you are living off one salary...?

Joint account, joint decision equally. As a couple its both our money. We both benefit or suffer how money is managed.
If its a big purchase we discuss it but anything essential (for example very expensive private dental treatments of 1k+) or any non essential under £300 we dont discuss.

I mean if its essential it gets bought without consulting or if its a non essential up to £300 month a pop then we dont discuss it. If its more there needs a good reason like for x birthday im thinking of buying this or spending this amount do you have any planned purchases or are we good to use this up? That sort of conversation.

Thanks @ShadylilFocker
Sounds similar to us in terms of joint accounts and things like Birthdays and essentials.
Most of my close friends irl work so I have no one to compare these things with!

Decisions are always joint here.

But whoever is the one who looks after finances is likely to be the one in a position to know/advise the other of the financial avalibility of some options. That doesn't mean they make the decisions, just that they are going to possess more knowledge in the discussion.

In our house I take care of 100% of out household finances, even though I'm SAHM. So DH earns it, I sort out savings, kids savings, credit card usage, loans and mortgage, as well as month to month budgeting and year to year saving for big stuff.

So in our case, it would be me who knew when we could move house and what our budget could be. I could see DH might feel powerless on the basis that knowledge is power. But he is happy to leave it to me so it's not a problem.

Sounds like it's similar for you OP, but with a gender switch.

Joint decisions. One of will start a conversation with “I’m thinking of” or “what do you think of” and a discussion starts from then. The only exception is emergency needs such as we both need a car for work and will agree to reasonable sums for car servicing before consulting the other person. In the past this means up to around £1k of repairs before we have the do we/can we replace the car now or next year conversation.

Joint decisions here.
I earn a lot less than dh but we decide things together.

sep

I sort out the finances so DH (sahd) will sort of run things by me to see if it’s in budget. Though to be honest he’s not an especially big spender and I normally have to badger him into spending money on himself.

Our house was however a completely joint decision. We both agreed the budget based on my plans as to what we could afford. for renovations he kind of leaves me to decide not because I’m the breadwinner but because I do the finances.

Sorry! Separate accounts here but I have access to DHs bank account, it's more so out of laziness. Big things like holidays/ house renovations would usually come out of savings & be discussed. Wouldn't discuss much else I don't think.

sorry just saw the board this was on. I work p/t

Always an equal joint decision for us, whether I've been working or a SAHM which I was for a good few years. I earn less than DH but still have the same input into financial decisions as we treat all money as 'ours'. We are an equal partnership, it doesn't matter who earns what even if it's zero.

Dh and I have been married for over 20 years so he knows I am not about to blow a load of money on a pair of shoes . I think a lot of this comes down to how much disposable income there is to play with as well as the decision on how to spend it.

We have a credit card in Dh's name that is a points reward card and I am the affiliated card holder. Anything I can put on that card I do. Every year we have a "financial meeting" where we go through each credit card statement to see where we are at, plus the joint bank account for the mortgage, utilities, phones, denplan, etc. Anywhere we can cut costs we do. But this also allows talk about what we value, what is important.

Re mortgages, I can highly recommend London and Country (also recommended by moneysavingexpert) won't cost you a penny and they can source mortgages for self employed people. Dh was one for a decade. Their online calculator should let you see what you could borrow, mortgages for self employed just have a slightly higher interest rate.

Re big purchases I will be completely honest, Dh earns it and I am the one who organises everything else. We have renovated this house, anything from a new boiler, kitchen extension, double glazing etc etc I basically choose it and usually Dh agrees as he knows I am a thorough researcher. Sometimes he may get to choose between 2-6 items but let's be honest these are my short list items. If he doesn't like any then I go back to the drawing board but we have similar taste.

For houses, it starts with number of bedrooms and then reception rooms, then location. You need to look at the market where you are and work out what you are comfortable with in terms of commuting for your Dh if that is a consideration. Plus schools for the children and how you will get them there. We moved when the children were in primary to get into catchment for an outstanding secondary but kept the children in the primary, because I was happy to drive that distance every day. So your Dh gets a vote for the commute because that affects him, you get a vote for the school run/nursery run or future ones.

We are a democracy. There is no dictator in the house. For big purchases it depends who it affects too. My sons are teenagers, so their vote counts for certain things like holiday destinations.

Thank you everyone for the replies.

@FATEdestiny I think that’s it, knowledge and understanding of the financial situation is a big part of it. In my case, so much is dependent on the current state of the business and I guess that’s what’s hard for for me as I have limited knowledge of the inner workings or any influence over how successful it is.

@Seracursoren thank you for the recommendation, I will check out the company you mention.

Basically, we have found our dream house which would allow us to stay in the area we love, near the ‘outstanding’ school my DD will be starting in September. The issue is we aren’t quite proceedable due to a couple of things that are out of my control. I feel like DH isn’t prioritising getting them sorted despite saying he really wants to go for it so it’s frustrating. So I suppose for us it’s not the decision to spend the money, more how our money is tied up and we both have different approaches/ personalities. He is naturally more cautious and very much “what will be will be” but I’ll be gutted if we miss out 😞

@NotanotherSAHM I think you need to be proactive. Ask himwhat is the first thing he needs to do/get in order to enable you to start the ball rolling.

Sometimes tasks seem incredibly daunting, but he needs to start.

DH and I regularly ask each other is there anything I can do to make your life easier. Sometimes they are jokey things that we say but often it is something tiny and easy. Ask him what you can do to help him sort stuff out.

Could you palm the children off to relatives for a couple of hours? That way both of you can do it. DH gets very overwhelmed with paperwork so I roll up my sleeves and physically work through it, holding up paper saying do you need this or what is this?

He is a great Dad and husband, makes me cups of tea, hides chocolate so when I need it it miraculously appears, takes birthdays and anniversaries off work. Just a bit shit with paperwork.

@Seracursoren

Thanks. Of course, you are right. I will ask him.
My DH is a bit of a lone wolf in that respect (bit of a perfectionist). He’s more than capable just so stretched for time. Hopefully I can push things along a bit..

I am not a SAHM as I work PT but my DH earns considerably more than me and takes no responsibility for the DC Mon - Fri as that is "my job".
I look after the day to day finances - all our money goes into a joint account and I sort out all the payments, including putting our personal spends into our sole accounts.
Larger spends though - I am over ruled constantly. Holiday? No. He never researches them and so I do, set out options and he usually vetoes or ends up declaring he cannot take leave from work (he never takes more than 2 weeks annual leave). The last holiday we went on his mother booked and paid for. We had one cancelled during lockdown but I had to (white) lie and say it was less (it kind of was but didn't include certain aspects that he would have expected, I have some of my own savings that I was going to use).

We want to move house too, we both agree that we want to leave this house but we absolutely cannot agree on the budget for the new house. He refuses to get a mortgage that will allow us to get the house we want in the area that we currently live in. If I worked FT I could get a mortgage on my own (there are a couple of companies that do indirect mortgages) and I am seriously considering it.
He will not research different areas or put any effort into finding a new school for the DC etc. I could get on board if he even discussed what the other options are, he works all day and night so there is never any time. We end up arguing because he dismisses my opinion out of hand - as if, if I want something then he will make sure I do not get it.

Anyway, what I am saying is - it shouldn't matter if you work or are a sahm if you are a partnership then you both should have an equal say.

Sorry to hear that @Werk it must be so frustrating and horrible to feel overruled all the time. Yes you are right, it’s not exclusively a SAHP issue.

I can identify with some of what you say. My DH doesn’t really see the value in holidays or at least prioritise them so I really have to push to have 1 a year and he would never physically book one! 😂
We could easily afford it and he will think nothing of spending £££ on home improvements or stuff for the kids. He won’t question anything I spend in these areas and I do consider myself lucky that he doesn’t have expensive hobbies or spend much on himself.
Our issues are around priorities but the same reasons excuses always come back to work and I can’t really argue against it as that’s what pays the bills.

I often think things would be more balanced if I went back to work as I earned a decent salary before kids but DH earns so much more I still think that he would have the ultimate last say on big things which seems is kind of true in your situation.

WRT your house move, you say you both want to move. Is it that he is expecting a miracle ideal house to come up for the (unrealistic?) amount he’d like to spend?

Can you come up with some different options to put to him to start a discussion?

Re time I totally get it, we can almost never fit everything that needs doing into a weekend (DH is pretty much working 6 days a week atm)

How old are your kids?- Could you make reseaching areas part of your family time?- go to a park/ eat lunch in a new area in order to suss it out etc or is it more the research on paper- ofsted reports for schools/ commute times etc?

My DC are 3 & 5.

We have started visiting some areas - all a no go so far.

He treats me like an employee - before we can even go look at an area I have to research everything and present it to him.

The trouble is, I want to stay in the area we are in. I grew up nearby and have my friends and family not far away. My job is convenient for school/ nursery and pretty flexible for a working parent. DH's work is likely to remain WFH at least part of the time for the foreseeable future and this is what has prompted him to want to leave London - it suits him. Before, when we moved here, it was all about the length of his commute and again it is all about him. Me and the DC will have to change jobs and school, he will carry on as usual. Like I say, Mon - Fri he works and does nothing else. Even working from home he rarely joins us for meals, he gets up and starts work at 6am and finishes around 9pm, sometimes later. Work is creeping into the weekends too.

He knows I want to stay in London but has outright vetoed. Therefore he dismisses any negative points in my research of other areas as me trying to persuade him to stay. Points such as - choice of schools, he wants the DC to have a private education (like he did) where we are now we can (just about!) walk to 5 very good prep schools but outside of London you might be able to move close to one or two but otherwise you will have a hefty drive (which will fall to me, of course).
I would probably have to give up my job if we leave London as I can't see how it would work with school drop off/ pick up and an hour's + commute (even wfh DH refuses to "help" me with the school run or childcare).
DH doesn't care - he just says that moving out of London is better for the DC, end of story.

He has to feel that he has made every decision, maybe I need to employ some NLP techniques on him 😂

Sorry OP for taking over your thread! It is good to let it all out.

I does annoy me that he has the "trump card" even if I had stayed in my old career my pay would have been half of his and so I am sure we would still have been in this situation.

I need to take some of my own advice and sit down and have a proper talk with DH about this. It is making me consider what I am getting out of this relationship- I feel I have no control over my life at the moment, that a fundamental decision is not mine to make. It is really hard.

@Werk don’t apologise, it’s interesting to hear how it works for others and reassuring that I’m not the only one who feels it. Although it’s rubbish for us!

So why can’t you just stay in your current house? If you are happy and don’t want to uproot your lives, why not just leave it up to him to research and find something “acceptable” to bring to the table...or is it that you want to get to where you’re going to be before the children get older and more settled?

I completely feel the same re your last comment. It’s really making me sad in what otherwise is a good relationship

The house is too small, we don't have much of a garden (more of a yard) and DH has set his office up in the living room which means me and DC are left with the kitchen/ diner downstairs.
We have 3 bedrooms and there isn't quite enough room to have DH's office in our bedroom and our loft doesn't have the roof pitch to extend into it. It is a shame as I do love the area but the jump up to a 4 bed would mean spending a significant chunk of ££.
I do have sympathy - as the main earner he would feel responsible for continuing to earn enough to pay the mortgage and school fees (even though this is his decision, we have decent state schools nearby which he refused to even look around). Although, the interest on the mortgage at current low rates would be less than his train fares if he commuted an hour each way three days a week! He cannot see this though.

Why are you moving, OP?

Please can you stop saying you feel lucky to be a SAHM, that automatically makes you feel like an inferior. Why are you lucky? As a family you have agreed it makes more sense for you to be at home with your children, it is not luck, it is what you both agreed.

I believe you DH is the lucky one, as he gets to continue working without worrying about the day to day running of the family. Being a SAHM does not put you in a secondary position within your family set up.

If you are in a relationship with someone who has the trump card or who makes the decisions because they are the one who brings in the finances then you really need to look at your relationship. Bringing up a family should be absolutely equal, the person who stays at home does not have less influence than the person who works out of the home.

@werk same reasons as you really, since lockdown DH has come back to the home office and I have family that live a 3 hour drive away so we really need a guest bedroom. We have always wanted to move as the house was DH’s before we met so want to get somewhere we choose together and with the stamp duty holiday it seems a good time to move.

@doodleygirl I feel lucky because I get to spend these early years with my children. Yes it was a decision we both made and we are both lucky that DH earns enough to make it a reality. I have several friends who would love to stay home, hated putting their child in nursery at the end of mat leave but for them it wasn’t an option.

I agree, bringing up a family should be equal but in practice it’s tricky. For the most part, we do everything as a team and day to day I’m really happy with our lives. DH would be gutted to know I feel this way and does everything he can to ensure things are fair. He isn’t doing it to be nasty, in our case it’s just that there is never the time to get the things that need to be done sorted. If he was employed on a set salary it would be easier but I can’t just insist that I take his accounts and go and apply for a mortgage!

This has actually been really helpful, I think I’m realising by writing this that’s its not really a case of him making a financial decision as we have made that decision together. I think a discussion is needed about priorities and that if we both want to make it happen, we need to ensure the time is made to get things done.

Well someone is triggered....
It is lucky to have the option to stay at home and watch your children grow and be there for every milestone.
If op feels lucky whats your problem?

I have no trigger, I was also a SAHM during the early years and I wasn’t lucky, it was agreed and It worked for my family. We both had equal decision making and still do. At no
Point did I feel the balance of power was with myDH.

Too many women feel lucky and grateful to their WOH partners and there is a power balance which is taken by the WOH person and this often detrimental to the SAH person. I have read so many threads written by women who feel they have to justify every expense and are given crumbs from the financial set up. This is wrong.

Lucky is the correct description, although
Privileged might be a better word.

You are projecting @doodleygirl. Your description of why I shouldn't describe myself as lucky (to be a SAHM) is completely alien to me.

I am in the privileged position to choose not to work, while other people do not have a choice and have no option to work.

I'm lucky
DH is lucky
Our children are lucky

I'm grateful to DH
DH is grateful to me
DC are grateful to us both

We are all lucky. We are all grateful. There is no power struggle whatsoever.