I'm a SAHM and finding life really difficult

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Hi everyone. My kids are 2.5 and 1.5 and I'm a SAHM but I'm really struggling at the minute. I have been for some time if I'm being honest. I've found it really tough after my second child who was a complete surprise! Took me 8 years to have my first child and two losses before him, one was an ectopic pregnancy and I lost one of my tubes along with having pcos and infertility so was told my chances of conceiving were 20%.
But I was blessed to fall pregnant 2 years with my gorgeous boy and when he was 17 wks old I found out I was expecting again and it hit me hard. I was shocked and scared to find out I was becoming a mum again so soon after having my first and just learning how to be a mum.

Anyway fast forward to now my daughter is 1.5 and is really hard work.
I'm struggling to find ways to interact with both kids at the one time. For instance even colouring in is hard my daughter always puts stuff in her mouth and once I turn for a second to deal with her my son is drawing all over the walls and doors. I find it really difficult to stuff together with them.

Not only that I'm struggling with giving them all the attention I can along with cleaning up,housework,preparing and cooking meals etc then my partner comes home and my attention has to go to him once the kids are in bed. I feel like I've no freedom. I absolutely love my children to the moon and back but get so frustrated at times with them and inm think its because I'm no longer the person I was before I gave birth to them. All my time & energy goes to the kids and then my partner. I get so annoyed with him. He comes home from work, gets his dinner handed to him. Spend about 15 min with the kids then sits his arse down in the kitchen to watch TV. Once the kids are in bed ill spend most my time up and down the stairs to our daughter as she's still not a great sleeper. I find myself getting so worked up a lot of the time because I feel like I may as well be a single mother. Part of me really wants to go back to work yet I know I can't because he doesn't want anyone else to look after the kids. My son can start nursery this year. Tried to have the conversation with my husband about sending him to school (not because I want rid of him but because I know he'll thrive) and I know he'll make friends and have a fantastic time. It'll break my heart when he goes to nursery but I know how happy he'll but my husband shot me down and refused to have the conversation about nursery and told me he's not going until next year when he'll be 4. He won't even listen to me that we need to think about how good it would be for our child.

I'm not sure if being a SAHM is my problem or the fact that I've had kids with the wrong man. I feel totally isolated. I just want to tell someone how unhappy I am and why and just someone to give me a hug and tell me I'm doing a good job.

Are you frightened of him @littlerayofsunshine0?

I think he’s using coercive control to make your life a misery. Does he threaten you or use violence? Please don’t stay with him, he’s not a good man. Your parents probably suspect things aren’t right. Please contact Women’s Aid for help.

I don't have much advice but being a mum is hard everyday you are learning something new. I have 4 kids oldest is 13 and youngest 1.5 so my day is very much the same I also work in the evenings but me and my husband talk and help each other out that is the key is give and take not for one person to take all the time. You are a brilliant mum and your kids are a blessing I think you need to sit down and think what you want to do your husband doesn't sound very nice. You shouldn't need to feel bad or hide that you went the park or delete things because he checks up on you. You have to believe you are strong and your kids won't be little for long..

There's not one parent who hasn't on occasion shouted at their kids - kids are draining and annoying so your 'behaviour' as you describe it sounds like normal parent at end of tether

His on the other hand is crazy & controlling - trying to lock u all at home and not see family and go to the park.....yet he's manipulated you into thinking you're the bad parent! From what you describe he's never even taken care of both together for more than 15 mins so has a massive shock coming. He sounds creepy as hell tbh .....can you just leave and go to your mum or dads with the kids? Get out from his spell, refresh & regroup yourself. The sort out the nitty gritty in separating from a place of strength. Your daughter is probably more difficult because of this situation - babies and children pick up on your emotions- get out for all your sakes

You are all living a nightmare. Of course the children are difficult- they are showing you they can't live like this.

I hope you're ok this morning.

Please contact women's aid for some support with leaving. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents so I'd show them this thread / tell them what you've told us. I'm sure they will help you to leave your husband

Your partner is being terribly abusive op. He won’t let you on social media, he won’t let you see your parents (without him, same thing) he won’t let you work, he won’t let you send the kids to kinder, he won’t help or parent, he gets angry if you go to the park... I really think the only answer is calling your parents, packing a bag and going to theirs. Then unload to womens aid about all the abuse and ask for help in separating officially.

Oh op, I feel so bad for you. Your husband is abusive and controlling. You need to make a plan to leave. When he is at work today, can you go and talk to your parents? Tell them everything. Would you be able to move in with them for a bit? What's your situation with the house and money?

This will all be ok if you get away from him. Your future will be bright. It will be so much easier to leave whilst the dc are this age.

It doesn't sound like being a sahp is the issue here. Sounds like you are in an abusive and controlling marriage!

I was a sahp and really struggled, but it was made so much better by being able to go out, see friends, toddler groups, and family. If I hadn't been able to do that I'd have gone up the wall. Add to that my dh was brilliant with the kids.

You have no support from your dh and he's putting blockers in the way around what you can and can't do.

Op has your husband always been like this? He doesn't seem rationale, has he any diagnosed mental health issues?

This business with your dad, are there any grounds for him being a threat to children?

Are you able to sign up to, and do The Freedom Programme online? That might help. And Women’s Aid are excellent.

I agree with the others that you should look at leaving. Does he ever look after the children at weekends? Do you ever get a break?

I’m glad you’re seeing the light. It took me 24 years...

OP I’d ask MNHQ to get this post moved to the Relationships board, I don’t think your issue is that you are a SAHP, you’re being abused by your husband.

Make an appointment to see your gp or health visitor and tell them what you said here. They can refer you to local support and counselling.
You can stop and think before reacting... this is in your power.
The situation is causing your stress.
You need to get away
He will get mad but you can be protected by your family and police.
It will be easier away from him.

I can see from other PP's the advice and support you are getting around your relationship.

My other thoughts were about your children. I'm an education professional. I think you are expecting too much of them. Colouring in is far too difficult for such young children and not appropriate as you have quite rightly observed. It would be much easier on you if you weren't having to stop them writing on walls, but that is because the little one, especially, is too young to be able to understand the boundaries and doesn't really have the skill or attention span to colour in.

Can you find out about activities that would engage your children? Easy stuff, not too messy, or if they are messy planned for with coverings down. What do your children like to do? They will be much more focussed if they are interested. Kids like playing outside, they like buckets of water and a brush to paint everything (it dries quickly).
Inside they might like pots and pans and a blanket to sit on,or making a den from a sheet. Do they have duplo or a basket of mixed materials to play with where they can create and invent.

I think having your children busy with things they like to do ( or at least one of them busy) might buy you some time ( at least for the other) and respite. Giving them time to play will build the time they are able to focus without needing the constant support of the adult.

I hope this helps, this government have taken out so much of the support that would have really helped you in learning about your children. It really frustrates me.

Hi everyone thanks for all the lovely support and comments. I've so much more to say but I don't have the time at the min as I'm obviously up to my eye balls all ready this morning with my little ones so once they are in bed ill come back on for a chat as yous are all really helping me uf that makes sense.
The issue with moving to my parents is that they live only a short bit away from our house so I think by moving in with them its leaving them open to abuse from my husband if I do leave especially if he hits the drink again. He's been off it for at least 6 years and I know once I go he'll hit the bottle and thats when destruction will set in and I don't want my parents to suffer because of that. My dad has health issues and my mum has mental health problems and I'm afraid of them being affected. I think my best option would either be to ask him to move out or find another house myself but obviously that takes money which I honestly don't have. I really should have prepared myself for this. From today I'm gonna put some money aside and have it as something to fall back on.
My mum is coming over to give me a hand today. She's aware of most of the situation and it does really upset her. She can understand parts of where my husband is coming from due to being abused and he obviously has a lot of issues from that and she feels for him like I do but also knows its really unhealthy for me and the kids. And my dad is obviously very upset that my husband would think he would do something to them. He loves them so much. They are the only grandchildren to them. If anyone replies ill be back on later when I have a chance. I'm off to give my kids lots of cuddles & kisses and pray that today will be a better day.

Just a thought.... Would your Dad be happy to have a DBS check done on him? Do you think that would be enough to prove to your husband that your Dad is ok with the kids?

It does seem like pandering to your husbands insecurities... but maybe worth thinking about.

I’m just thinking that this may take a little while to unravel, and your parents are the ones who can help you best. Certainly in a practical sense. Sometimes you have to be a bit ‘creative’.

And yes to speaking to your GP or HV. You need this recorded in an official capacity.

In the nicest possible way MissAmerican no that’s not the answer. It’s a horrendous thing to lay at someone’s door.

For a start it’s not proof of anything but that the person has never been in trouble, not that they haven’t done something.

Complying with the demands of an abuser isn’t useful, appeasing them is a terrible idea.

Op if he kicks off you call police
If he threatens or is aggressive you call police
This has the benefit of any issue being recorded in police records
Leaving someone like this is z long haul but you must start planning the exit. A safe exit. Eith support.
Because if you stay you will fet more ground down and your dc will suffer more.
Speak to gp. Book a double appt even vidro csll while p is out
Tell thdm everything.

Tell your mum everything
If you move to hers you can call police if p turns up angry or drunk.

Gp can refer you to local support

Who owns the house? Is it rented?

littleray next time your parents are around to help you please take some time to get in touch with Women’s Aid, use one of their phones if you’re worried your H is checking on you.

I think your parents are as afraid of him as you are by the sound of it, I can see why you’d want to protect them. But don’t let your fear stop you, or you’ll never know anything but fear.

This is so heart-breaking to read.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie I don't think he should have to do that.. My dad takes young kids for soccer training etc and has had all those checks done and had to do courses on child welfare etc as a football coach. And look even if I did it still wouldn't be enough.. My husband is like this with any other male except his own father & brothers!
I'll face this situation no matter how many different actions I take. Its absolutely heartbreaking. If I had ever thought I'd be living like this after having kids with him I'd never ever have had any children with him. This was all threw on me when I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter... I mean I had lots of other issues I was dealing with from him as in lost friends, accused of cheating etc etc the list just goes on.. But never ever in a million years did I expect this scenario that I can't even take the kids to my parents. The moment the words came out of his mouth a felt a light go out inside me and I've never got it back. I just don't see the point in anything anymore. I spent years trying to have my beautiful children and hes completely ruined motherhood for me as well as the rest of my life. I'm so upset

OP your dc are young, you have years of parenthood left.
These can be happy and for filling ones for you and them.
Leaving an abuser is very hard, but lots of mums on here have done it.
I would ask for this thread to be moved to relationships because that is where the knowledge and understanding of that situation is on here.
( Don't bother trying to appease your DH about your dad, it isn't about your dad's possible risk it is about having complete control over you)

Would you go and see your GP? As a starting point?
There is a point, you do have a future.

You can be the hero of the rest of your life and your dc life.
Take back control.
Make a better life for them.

If you can make one change today, stop defending him because he was abused. You have children, you don’t want their beaten down controlled miserable partners one day saying oh but he was abused as a child and that’s why he’s like this, it’s not his fault. Your job now is to protect your children from turning out the same way, not to defend the man making you all miserable.