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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

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Original poster

Feeling regret

26 replies

Lostnames · 16/04/2020 20:26

I feel like I need to let this out as it’s building up and I don’t know where to turn.
I have a 9 month old who I do love, but I never wanted a child, I don’t feel at all maternal and I don’t feel like a mother. My husband has always wanted kids and so I guess I gave in for him although he never pressured me, I knew that it would break his heart to not have a child.
I am so exhausted and fed up with my life. I find myself getting so angry about how things are. My husband is a brilliant father and I can’t fault him, he’s also extremely kind and patient with me, but I feel like I’m dragging him down.
At night when my daughter wakes I get so angry and shout and swear and it upsets my poor husband. I can’t control it. Then I wake up in the morning full of guilt and I’m upset all morning because of it.
I don’t feel like I want to spend time with my daughter it’s just so boring and frustrating. She also is a terrible sleeper and won’t drink from a bottle so I’m completely responsible for her, if she would have a bottle
I would have tried to return to work by now, just for a break. Not that I had an exciting life before, I had a job I hated and no career, I just enjoyed being at home pottering about and relaxing. Now I feel constantly stressed with my daily life. I feel constant guilt for wishing I never had a child, I feel a lot of anger due to exhaustion and I feel like I can’t relax for even a second. I never particularly liked babies or kids or wanted anything to do with them before and I still feel that way. I’m just wishing I could go back in time. I know it’s awful.

OP posts:

Pitaramus · 16/04/2020 20:30

It sounds like you’re just knackered. It’s really difficult when you’re really tired and you get no guaranteed time to yourself without anticipating interruptions.

Is there any way you can timetable in a few hours here and there in the day when you get to be alone and your husband has the baby. When you can stipulate that it’s your “quiet time”?

Kids are non stop and relentless, I feel like some kind of crazy waitress most of the time, drained by everyone wanting me and making demands. Sometimes you just need to have some space to chill and de-stress.

Smarshian · 16/04/2020 20:31

Oh gosh. Having a 9 month old bad sleeper is HARD! You need eyes in the back of your head and of course you’re grumpy and stressed if you are tired all the time.
I would recommend trying to get a bit more sleep. Go to bed earlier/ try to nap when baby does. It honestly made such a difference to me at that age.
I would also consider going back to work. Being a SAHP was not for me at all. I found the first year soooo hard and was glad to get back to work.
I now have a 3 and (almost) 2 yr old and find it so much easier than the early days.
Do you get much chance for a break? Or time to yourself?

Pitaramus · 16/04/2020 20:32

Also, for what it’s worth, I think it’s normal to find babies a bit boring when you spend the whole day with one, even your own! We’re all human and it doesn’t mean we don’t love them.

RandomMess · 16/04/2020 20:35

Can you and your DH switch roles or both work part time?

You are not a bad person for finding it hard and unrewarding

garden6789 · 16/04/2020 20:46

You need to identify what you're feeling and then address- are you exhausted due to frequent night wakings?
Are you breast feeding still?
Are you exhausted due to lack of sleep?
If so, sleep train /ween off the night feeds.

Are you feeling lonely? Unfulfilled? Can you confide in partner, friends or family?

Are you struggling with lockdown/ miss support? If so, can you do more FaceTime with friends/ Facebook live baby groups?

Do you think you might have depression?

No judgment but I think it would help it you could say exactly what you're struggling with (deeper than "bored" etc).

Babymamamama · 16/04/2020 20:54

The stage you are at was hands down the hardest stage of my life. You will give up breastfeeding, you will get more independence, you will have more enjoyable times with your DD but it just isn't right now. You are probably very sleep deprived, drained from the breastfeeding and so it's natural to feel disenchanted by the whole thing. Can you work toward giving up the breastfeeding in tandem with offering more food and eventually milk in a sippy cup instead? I couldn't wait to give up the breastfeeding and felt a sense of elation when I'd given it up. I hope things look up for you you have my full sympathy.

CupOfTeaNonBio · 16/04/2020 21:06

I totally agree with the above post. I enjoy parenting sooooooooo much more now my kids are older and out of the baby/toddler stage (though I am remembering that relentlessness well now the schools are closed...). It gets better, honestly. I had two bad sleepers and it almost broke me but I surived & so will you.

Oblomov20 · 16/04/2020 21:12

You need a break. Our gym had a crèche. I'd book ds2 in for an hour, sometimes 2, and lie in the sauna. Would that work for you?

tiredanddangerous · 16/04/2020 21:12

Please speak to your GP or health visitor ASAP op. Your post screams PND to me. I’ve been there and it gets easier

GoHardGoHome · 16/04/2020 21:17

9 months is a crap age. They can't walk, talk and often aren't even crawling. They are often frustrated and whiny. Mine was a right misery at that age.

Probably not what you want to hear, but it does get better.

currentlychilled · 16/04/2020 21:22

Once we are out of lockdown I'd do everything possible to find a job. Even a part time one, as long as it covered your childcare costs.
It would be good for your mental health

Original poster

Lostnames · 17/04/2020 10:41

Appreciate all the supportive responses!
My LG has been crawling for 2 months, however much prefers to be stood up and walking now so I have to constantly be with her. She’s generally a happy baby so I am grateful for that, but it’s just a struggle. I can’t wait for her to be older. Everyone tells me to not wish her life away, but I can’t help but want her to be older.
I will look for a job when she turns one as she still breastfeeds a lot and I can’t get her to drink milk any other way so I’m very much responsible for her in that sense and I can’t leave her because of it! No break for me. However my husband thinks it’s not worth me working if my whole wage will be on childcare costs, but he doesn’t quite understand that I need to have a break from this life.
He helps a lot as he’s been furloughed at the moment, but I dread the day that he goes back to work I feel sick about it.
I hope things will look up soon.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 17/04/2020 10:59

Could you do some volunteering for Covid - such as shopping etc. DD will be fine without your boobs for a while!

This obviously depends how risk adverse you are to catching Covid.

24carrot · 17/04/2020 10:59

You poor thing, please know it will get better. I felt exactly the same when my DC1 was that age. He’s now 8 and has two sisters aged 6 and 2 so as you can see, things did improve sufficiently that I wanted to do it twice again! Honestly I look back at that time as a new mum and shudder as I would never want to go back there. I always say that first year as a mum was the longest of my life and so lonely, even though I had supportive friends and family.
I would investigate options re. jobs but don’t rush into things if you don’t have to. Just make it a priority to get as much rest as you can and do a few of the things that make you feel like you again. Ok that might be tricky during Lockdown but maybe even just keep a diary of how you feel and all the things you’re looking forward to doing.
You are doing a fantastic job - good parents find it hard because they are putting a lot into it and letting the child and the experience change them. One other thing, if you feel like reading, check out ‘What Mothers Do (even when it looks like nothing)’ by Naomi Stadlen. It saved my sanity in that first year. Good luck x

awkwardbuttons · 17/04/2020 11:03

Some people just don't like babies very much OP. I'm one of them too. The toddler stage I mostly love. The baby stage I absolutely hate. I think it's because I deal very badly with interrupted sleep. For me it got so much better when I went back to work. Good luck.

Tattiebee · 17/04/2020 11:08

It will be a lot easier when she is getting most calories etc from solids, even if she won't ever take a bottle you can introduce dodi cups for cows milk, and include yoghurt and cheese etc towards dairy intake, so she won't always be reliant on you. How is weaning going? I felt the same for a long time, but I love being a mum now (I always loved DS but I regretted it for a while), what has helped immensely was him starting childcare, he loves it and it was great to have some balance. Unfortunately obviously they are closed at the moment, but it sounds like the balance of work might be positive for you, and nothing wrong with that.

squiglet111 · 17/04/2020 11:22

Re baby depending on your for milk and not being able to leave her.... My daughter was like this but I had to go back to work when she was 9 months so she just had to cope. She refused to drink bottle milk but she ate meals at childminders and eventually got used to it. She would have a big feed before I went to work and a big feed after work. So it is doable to leave breastfed babies for long periods of time.

Original poster

Lostnames · 17/04/2020 17:15

Such nice positive responses thank you everyone, makes me feel like I’m not a total monster for these feelings!
Re weaning, she’s doing alright has 3 meals a day, eats what I would say is a decent amount, but probably not as much as some! I can slowly see her food intake increasing though and I’m lucky as she’s not fussy at all (apart from hating bananas!)
I’ve had a slightly better day today, I’ve tried to spend time with my LG when I have felt up to it and not felt forced which has helped, and my husband always allows me to take time when I need it, however I always feel guilty to have 10 minutes of “me” time even though he says it’s fine! I would do the same for him anyway.

OP posts:

awkwardbuttons · 17/04/2020 19:25

Me time is so important! You're being way too hard on yourself. Look after yourself too. Your baby isn't the only person who matters! I felt a bit lost after I had my first child and it was because I abandoned almost all care of myself, and put myself last every time. I felt that was what good mothers do. As long as baby's needs are met there is nothing wrong with taking a break!

Ohnoherewego62 · 17/04/2020 19:29

Me time is so important regardless of having children?

Have you got a bouncer she can stand up in??
Or a textured playmat! Mirrors are great for distracting them too!

When theyre up, they are definitely more fun! Sending

Tattiebee · 17/04/2020 20:13

You time is very important, remember, you matter too :) a less stressed mum benefits everyone, I felt guilty to at the start, but now I realise that I am still important; and having a bit of time for myself isn't bad for DS, he gets to play with his dad which is good. It sounds like weaning is going really well, you should be proud, it's stressful isn't it, but sounds positive.

RandomMess · 17/04/2020 20:26

See the "me" time as your DH getting one to one with DD him learning how to look after her solo, it's really good for both of them!

mothersc · 17/04/2020 20:31

Poor you :( don't feel guilty! Baby stage genuinely wasn't for me and I didn't enjoy a huge amount of it... my dd is now 4 and honestly since she got to about 18 months/2 years when all my other mum friends started complaining it was hard work I started to love it... little conversations, interests... baking, painting, flying a kite, going for walks with them on a scooter

mothersc · 17/04/2020 20:33

Cut me off early..,

My dd is my little best friend now and I genuinely enjoy her company more than any one else in the world... we watch movies together, have interesting conversations and they love you even at your worst.

Maybe just like me you aren't a baby person... I don't want anymore because of how much I didn't enjoy baby stage first time round. I also think you could take me on the trip of a lifetime and give me a million pounds but if I'm sleep deprived then I won't enjoy or appreciate it because I'm tired and pissed off x

CupOfTeaNonBio · 18/04/2020 20:55

I also think you could take me on the trip of a lifetime and give me a million pounds but if I'm sleep deprived then I won't enjoy or appreciate it because I'm tired and pissed off

This is so true!

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