My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

SAHP

What do you think of my situation?

18 replies

Whatisnormalhere · 07/11/2019 12:08

Hello, I started a thread in relationships about how my DP doesn't want me to continue to be a stay at home mum once our son is in school. He's only 2 so there's heaps of time..

I got some back lash here because I expressed that I have anxiety around working and don't want to work if I am honest. But my DP does want me to work eventually.

What do other stay at home parents think? Am I unreasonable?

Link to my other thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3736827-DP-doesnt-want-me-to-be-SAHM

OP posts:
Report
InDubiousBattle · 07/11/2019 12:16

I think SAHParenting has to be a joint decision. Always. I think you need to get help with your anxiety and get trained in something which will lead to work. I think your dh need to learn how to drive. I think you both need to use the current support you have from parents as an opportunity to work towards being free of them and being independent, working adults.

Report
delilahbucket · 07/11/2019 12:21

If you insist on remaining a SAHP and your DP doesn't want you to, he's going to resent your decision eventually. If you then break up (and I'm guessing you are not married) you will be left in a very vunerable position.
If the only reason you don't want to work is anxiety, then you need to seek help to deal with that. You can't use "I'm a parent" as a reason forever.
I didn't read your other thread in full. What did you do before having a child? Surely you must have had a job?

Report
LetsPlayDarts · 07/11/2019 12:30

You say DP, just the fact that you are not married puts you in a vulnerable position.

I'd spend some time working on your anxiety over working and look to enter the workplace when your DC starts school.

It baffles me why women would not want to have an element of ownership over their own lives because the other option is relying on your DP to support you. This is neither fair on him or you.

Report
SheSaidNoFuckThat · 07/11/2019 12:31

Why have you started another thread? You don't want to work fo various reasons, your general set up is a complete mess - if you just want people to agree with you you've come to the wrong place I'm afraid

Report
Whatisnormalhere · 07/11/2019 12:35

@InDubiousBattle
Yes, you are right. I think that was always the plan but I got too comfortable.

OP posts:
Report
Drabarni · 07/11/2019 12:39

It does need to be a joint decision so resentment doesn't build up.
I'm quite old fashioned and wanted to be a sahm, luckily dh agreed. We knew this when pg with dc1 though.

He needs to learn how to drive definitely, to have more choice in his employment.
Does he know how much it costs to go to work and how childcare can wipe out a salary even with just wraparound care.
Is it worth you working, will you gain anything financially?
I too suffer with anxiety and panic attacks, used to go to work and end up back in the house within 10 mins.

Report
Whatisnormalhere · 07/11/2019 12:40

I started another thread to get the opinions of other stay at home parents. I don't expect anyone to agree with me. But I am honestly feeling very down and depressed and questioning wether I am a good mother... I know I shouldn't have any more children cause I can't be financially independent as I am now... so I won't. It would be unfair to the child. It is bad enough that I have one child, though I love him dearly. I just worry for his future and yes it is all my fault...

I think as people have suggested I should use this time I have to work on my mental health. Then train for work.

Thanks for responding everyone.

OP posts:
Report
Raphael34 · 07/11/2019 12:41

Do you plan on never working again for the rest of your life?

Report
CottonSock · 07/11/2019 12:45

I think you should try and think about what types of jobs would be possible. E.g a school lunch time supervisor is a bit different from a full time stressful role. Is there anything you want to do?

Report
InDubiousBattle · 07/11/2019 12:45

Now is not the time to have more children op. I didn't read all of your other thread, are you in the UK? Are you going to speak to your gp (or equivalent )today? It would be a first step for you?

Report
SheSaidNoFuckThat · 07/11/2019 12:55

You said in your other thread that you've only ever had 1 job when you were 22, working at McDonalds but you had to stay there even though you hated it until they sacked you - you haven't really given working much chance have you? You e worked for 6 months in 26 years!

Report
sheshootssheimplores · 07/11/2019 12:57

I’m sure many of us are SAHMs temporarily as it makes financial sense currently. I’m not planning to never work again. I’m going to get my youngest too school age which is next year and then I’ll be finding more work to contribute to the family.

Report
SheSaidNoFuckThat · 07/11/2019 13:01

You also mentioned speech problems with your DS in your other thread, is he getting help with this at all? Nursery is often a good idea in these circumstances (I have a DS who also had speech therapy etc)

Report
HollowTalk · 07/11/2019 13:05

You are incredibly vulnerable as you are not married and not working. You do realise you could be in a really terrible financial situation if you split up?

Report
aggitatedstate · 07/11/2019 13:15

I will never understand how anyone could leave themselves so vulnerable?

Report
Groovee · 07/11/2019 13:21

I went back to work when my eldest started school and my youngest went to school nursery and I used a childminder.

Dd is now at Uni and Ds last year at school. I like working. I find working gives me a purpose to be me and I find mentally I am in a good place.

It was hard to return after nearly 6 years out and when my ds went to school, I found plenty things to occupy me on my days off as I was part time. Now I couldn't imagine not working.

Report
Drabarni · 09/11/2019 13:01

OP, having been in a similar position what is helping me now is being my own boss.
I found something I'd like to do and am going for it.
I waited until 2 of our dc had left home and now I'm almost there.
It isn't easy but if you work for yourself you can pick and choose and also don't have to go out unless you feel like it.
By this, I mean if you need a mh rest then you can take on less. I didn't mean let people down, or leave them in the lurch.
It's working for me, but early days yet.

Report
Kearaleigh123 · 12/11/2019 21:31

Im a sahm to a two year old & a 8month old & we're trying for #3.
My husband earns great money and tells me I don't ever need to work if I choose not to just so I'm always home for kids getting home from school and having food ready etc (very old fashioned but it's how we've always discussed)...however once we've finished having kids we've said that il probably go volunteer so I have something bfor me. It's something you need to discuss and compromise on

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.