SAHM = free childcare help me say no!

[thepinkp]

So here's the problem, I have two children both now school age and I am also a Stay at home mum. I do work (ad-hoc) around the kids 8/10 hrs a week from home remotely for a corporate (I've done this for 5+ yrs) it all ticks by well. My problem is I seem to be other parents go-to option for free child care / school picks / drop offs because I'm always around. Don't get me wrong I have been far too accommodating and appreciate this is all my own doing however I have made the decision that this school year I won't be relied on to take in other kids on day day often 15 minutes before school starts/ends. Over the summer we see very little of school friends.. fine by me I like going on adventures with the kids alone. The only time I did hear from anyone was when they needed childcare.. interestingly in the past week just before the new school term starts I have noticed an influx of messages from said parents asking how I am etc - sadly I don't think this is because they actually care that much, just touching base before the new year starts to re-establish that connection so to speak for their own gain.

I'm adamant I will not be used in this way anymore, the thing is I am far too giving and always end up with an extra one at least once a week. Not such a huge deal but I do feel like I'm being used! So, how would you say politely but firmly this is not happening anymore?

I’m a childminder currently on Mat leave, I have had four texts since Sunday from parents of my daughters friends (she is starting reception next week) asking if I could do school runs for a while until they sort out childcare I haven’t replied to them. Was planning on sending a sorry I’ve just seen this text type message, several days later.

Nip that in the bud chocolate. Term dates are not a surprise - these CF have planned for you to do their school runs all along. No working parent leaves something as important as childcare to the last minute unless they have someone in mind that they are planning to mug off!

How can people be so disorganised? They've had all summer!

That used to really annoy me when I had a small baby as you'd think people would know how hard it is to juggle a baby with your own kids, never mind others.

Now I only help people if they help me but not if their kids are a nightmare or the parents gave really fussy rules about screens and treats

I wouldn’t mind but my second is not even three weeks old, I can’t believe the cheek of some people!

I used to have this when I was a child minder - people asking me if I could walk their dc to school. Not offering to pay me, mind. Just thinking that as a cm, I am happy to be responsible for their dc in addition to the ones I was actually paid to look after!

I work full time from home, and you wouldn’t believe the amount of times I’ve been asked to look after people’s dc. I’m at bloody work ffs! My dd goes to after school club!

I’ve found a simple, ‘no I can, hope you get sorted, schools do breakfast club/after school club if you get stuck’ works well

You've obviously noticed that they are only contacting you now that school is back so there is no reason why you need to hide that fact. Let them know you've noticed if you get asked.
Reply with "Oh, I'm unable to help you on this occasion. I'm surprised you haven't managed to use the time during the summer holidays to sort out something official yet with an after school collection service or official childminder. I won't be available this term to do drop off/collections for you."
If you're feeling generous and want to help, perhaps you could find out the names of some local childminders who may have availability and say "Here is X's name and number. I believe they have some morning/afternoon slots available but they're filling up fast"

Let them pay for someone to look after their child/ren.

A newborn? You don't need an excuse. Sorry, up to my eyes in nappies, feeds, sibling rivalry and sleep deprivation so just not possible. Hope you find something. Catch up soon xxx

I have this problem and I have a fucking full-time job. Unlike most of the people who ask me for favours.

Actually, tbf, it is generally just one person who asks me. Because on top of my full-time job and two children, I run a Brownie unit (don't get me wrong, these are my choices and I'm happy with them. I'm just mentioning it because I don't understand why someone would look at my life and think "There's woman with excess time on her hands."). So I regularly get asked if I can just take her child to x Guiding event along with my own DD. It's always dressed up as sharing lifts - "if you take the girls, we'll collect them" - with seemingly no awareness that as I'm there at the event I've still got to get me and my car home again and therefore might as well take my own daughter with me. This happens again and again and I regularly say no and explain why. I just don't get what she's thinking. To me it seems utterly selfish. She's getting x hours free whilst her child is looked after by her Brownie leader (me) but she still wants to try to do less work by asking to share lifts on top.

Phew! Rant over! I feel better for that.

Had this done to me. We were best friends, i looked after her dd once a week, holidays Included. As soon as i said i couldnt do it any more she stopped talking to me. Our dds remained friends through primary. We made up and within weeks she was asking me to look after her dd again. Hell no, put a stop to that asap.

@7salmonswimming thanks I like this sort of response. It's kind of how I have been seeing things later, minimal chat to get the childcare needs covered!

Anyway thank you all I shall be doing a bit of copy and pasting on these one liners and shall use them. I'm totally not being the dumping mum this year. As for play dates, sure we do those now and again down the beach hut and will continue (selectively).

I have never left my children with anyone and wouldn't - not sure how they'd cope if I'm honest. I changed my work lifestyle to suit the kids, appreciate not everyone can of course however expecting free childcare isn't on.

Woah hang on.. people act suggest asking the SAHM 😳 and also thank you for the 'sorry' comment.. what am I apologising for, very good point!

One last thing.. guess what.. I've already had a last minute request! I missed the text message as I was hoovering the house at the time.. I also missed the call as I was driving with Bluetooth off (all totally unawares to me).. urgent request on day one to do a pick and have a child for an hour after school 😐 makes me a bit sad actually

Be careful of totally ignoring messages - some cheeky fuckers will just turn up on your doorstep in the morning with a child in tow!
Reply 'can't do pick up, tomorrow. Hope you get it sorted'!

Bloody cheek. Just don’t reply to any texts or calls and if they catch you face to face, say things have changed and you are much busier this year so will have to say no.

I only work part time. My friend is usually SAHM but occasionally gets the odd day. Whenever she does, she asks for her kids to stay with me (one is pre-school). I did help her several times. Never asked for childcare back as I have paid childcare in place for my working days. I must have spent many hours watching her kids over the last couple of years. I asked her to feed my pet for two days while I was on honeymoon (just popping in for 5min or less). It was a big fat 'No'. I learnt from that how some friends are only friends when it suits them. I always refuse to look after her kids now, with lame excuses. She still asks, and very rarely wants to meet just to catch up/ coffee/ play date lesson learnt.

I haven't replied, she would have known in advance that she was working that shift and also known her plan A wasn't able to pick up much earlier in the day if not before! (Also free childcare relative who works) A message at 2.15 and then a call followed by another msg probably in a panic as the safe bet hadn't replied (me) .. I will think of something to respond with and try to shut it down as a on-going safe bet.

I'm sad to see so many of us have had this situation, someone mentioned earlier in the thread about just being honest and saying no. For me it was about helping out working mothers as and when I could, 4 years on I'm that person who does every school run and can be relied on as and when. In an absolute emergency I'd be there without doubt, but this is being cheeky because you know you can. I'm not having it anymore.

No one minds helping out another person in a genuine emergency, but there's a big difference between that and just being the free, easy option for cheeky fuckers who don't want to pay for childcare.

This is a great start OP. Your reply to today’s CF text needs to make it clear you’re not around for the rest of the week either... because you can bet if you don’t say that, s/he will ask “...if you could just help out tomorrow.”

”I’m a childminder currently on Mat leave, I have had four texts since Sunday from parents of my daughters friends (she is starting reception next week) asking if I could do school runs for a while until they sort out childcare”

The answer to that is “Oh had you forgotten? I’m on maternity leave at the moment. I’ll be returning to childminding in [x] months, if you still need help then let me know, and I’ll see if I have space.”

What about bluntness with a bit of irony? "Sorry, I won't be doing any informal childcare for anybody this year. Some people have really been taking the piss! Take care."

@mum2jakie I think the bluntness is needed, not in my nature but I'm going to have to step up and do so!

You need to go with what @mum2jakie said. It's the perfect response. These people have clearly been taking the absolute piss out of you and should be told so.

I would copy and paste that very message to everyone who tries to contact you for unpaid help from now on.

Use the mum2jakie response...without saying sorry! As I said before you have nothing to apologise for!

Good luck.

What did you say in the end, OP, and how did it go down?