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SAHP

Need advice on lazy OH

10 replies

WorkerBee83 · 02/07/2019 10:42

Hi any advice on how to approach a lazy OH without it turning into a massive row?
Bit of history. I’ve always worked but stopped last year as I was made redundant and took dd out of nursery for financial reasons and I’ve been a sahp for the last year ish.
My OH works full time (office based) when back from work or at the weekends literally does the bare minimum to help with house or dd and to be honest it’s been that way since I had our dd. AIBU to expect a little me time or help around the house? Without having to nag or prompt to help me. Our dd has always been a very bad sleeper (5 to 8 hours a night) and I’m on the edge as I’m so fed up of doing everything while being so shattered all the time!
I regularly take my dd away for a weekend to family/friends to give her a break but nothing in return.
Help me

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soniamumsnet · 03/07/2019 15:09

Just bumping this thread for you, @WorkerBee83- hopefully someone will be along soon with some advice.

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WorkerBee83 · 03/07/2019 18:01

Thank you Sonia xx

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Redcliff · 07/07/2019 13:44

How old is your DD? Are you in the UK?

What would happen if you said on the weekend "I am going out on my own for a couple of hours"

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RagingWhoreBag · 07/07/2019 13:49

YANBU to expect to share the work/downtime on the weekends. Of course the SAHP should do the majority of child/house related things during the day while the other parent is at work, but once they get home it should be shared equally so that both of you get some time to relax and both of you do your bit re cooking/bedtimes etc.

I don't know how you address it without it turning into a massive row as you're not asking for anything unreasonable and if they aren't willing to step up, it WILL cause a row. Unfortunately you're going to have to ruffle some feathers here, unless you just put up and shut up, keep on doing the lion's share of the work and end up resenting your DP.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2019 13:50

How hands on was he before you stopped working?

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RowingMermaid · 12/07/2019 19:35

@WorkerBee83

AIBU to expect a little me time or help around the house?

I think you both see this as your responsibility otherwise you wouldn't use the word help. Help is what you do when it is someone else's job. He shouldn't be helping.

I would approach this from a you going out for a few hours either on an evening or a weekend so that your Oh has sole care of your child. That is your me time sorted.

Secondly, another chat about housework but not from a "you never..." start. Just write a list of stuff that needs doing over the weekend/evening plus stuff you do in the day. I think a lot of parents who work don't see the work that goes on throughout the day.

The going out bit is a win win situation that should go something like this

-him - this was really hard, I don't know how you do it
or
him- this is a fucking doddle I don't know what you are complaining about.

Either one means he is able to actually parent his child and you get a break. I know a lot of people see weekends as "family time" but this usually means the man never parents his child alone. Make that happen. I say this a a SAHM for over a decade but my Dh was hands on the minute he walked through the door.

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Fedupatforty · 12/07/2019 19:44

@WorkerBee83 that sounds tough. DH and I went through a bad patch when DD was around a year for similar reasons - I was shattered and feeling unsupported and he didn’t understand why his wife had turned into a miserable, angry moaner.

My best advice is to make sure that she knows how you are feeling: think DH was generally surprised that I thought I was doing more than my fair share and at how exhausted I was - I’d assumed he knew etc.... I read somewhere that when you have small kids if you both think your doing about 75% of the work then you’ve probably got it right!

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LolaSmiles · 12/07/2019 19:47

It's not about him needing to 'help'. At the weekend both parents should do the appropriate adult share, and the SAHP should do the lions share during the week (without leaving loads of things for the weekend).

I agree with posters who suggest making a list of what needs doing and splitting it over the weekend where you both also get some downtime.

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ajbellamy · 06/08/2019 20:29

Okay so maybe start off by doing little things like this. When you're washing up come and ask him to hell dry up. When you're tidying ask him to move the heavier stuff. Get him into a pattern and eventually it will become routine for him. Yes this sounds like training a big child! But it works 😂

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WorkerBee83 · 06/08/2019 21:35

Thanks for all the advice and it’s a woman we’re in a same sex marriage. Just hate feeling like a nag and asking for help which is probably why it’s such a mess as I’ll just get on with it instead of just saying can you do..

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