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A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

SAHP

To be so lonely

16 replies

chocolatesparkles · 04/06/2019 21:29

Is it just me who feels like this, I'm so unbelievably lonely. I'm sat next to DH while he is playing computer games chatting to his friends online and honestly I want to cry. I wish I could have someone to talk to as well. I can't think of anyone in my phone who I could text for a chat, have a coffee with etc. I go to playgroups, chat with mums at school, invite people for play dates but it never seems to go further than this. It just feels like I'm on the outside looking in. Does anyone else have this? Thank god for my DC's and DH at least they talk to me but sometimes it would be nice to have a friend.

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DustOffYourHighestHopes · 04/06/2019 21:33

Are your DCs school age yet?

Do you have any pre/children friends?

I absolutely love the camaderie at work, it’s why I went back.

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chocolatesparkles · 04/06/2019 22:16

No not school age yet. I have 3 DC under 5 so a little while to go yet. I have one pre baby friend who is a little hard to get hold of...busy job own life etc. I don't work at the minute as childcare for the DC would make it unreadable but hopefully when they are at school I can get back into it. Thanks for replying by the way.

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sakura06 · 04/06/2019 22:30

Oh no! That's so sad. I remember feeling quite lonely at times on Mat leave and just counting down until my DH came home.

Do you have any hobbies or time to go out by yourself and make friends on your terms?

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InDubiousBattle · 05/06/2019 21:18

Three such young dc must be very hard op. Does your dh know how you feel? Is there an evening class/hobby you can go to? With toddler groups/play dates I think you have to be really pro active, actually asking if anyone's free for a coffee after the class, if a play date mum is free one day next week.

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DustOffYourHighestHopes · 07/06/2019 06:40

It does change, I promise. I didn’t go to Nct lessons and never found, despite all my trying, any acquaintances at playgrounds that evolved to heart-to-heart friendships.

But after several years I got really close to one ‘playground’ friend I now regard like a sister, and also found a lovely group of parents at school who make me very happy!

Crucially keep putting yourself out there, share yourself with people (not just talking about the weather!) and don’t see loneliness as a forever thing!

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waterandmilk · 10/06/2019 19:39

So lonely here. I sometimes think I won't cope for another day. I have no friends. Nobody to talk to. I shouldn't have stopped working, biggest mistake of my life.

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Campurp · 12/06/2019 23:16

There's an app called peanut I've been using to meet mums in my area... maybe that's worth a try?

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VoyageInTheDark · 16/06/2019 16:08

I'm also really lonely. I go to a couple of toddler groups but the rest of the time I feel alone and miserable

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RicStar · 16/06/2019 16:19

It's quite common op and there are often threads like this on here so you are not alone. I haven't really made any mum friends and mine are now at school (older 2 also have a baby). I do work and now have lots of friendly acquaintances, I have 2 dsis and a few old friends. It must be super hard to chat to people with 3 little ones running about but it does get easier as they get a bit older and at school etc every day then you will see same folks again and again. You can chat on here too (not the same I know!)

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Flyingkites123 · 19/06/2019 19:32

I came on here to post about feeling lonely, I was beaten to it so I guess I'm not the only one. I have a 16mo and 11 week old baby. The days seem relentless: constant feeding, stopping 16mo from hurting himself, sleep deprivation. And the boredom. I'm rapidly gaining weight.

Tonight, my OH came home after been at work 11 hours. I tried to tell him about my day but its so boring he walked out the room midway through my sentence. Even the people I had got I haven't got anymore.

Bloody independent society where every woman is an island. Does anyone else feel like Justin on CBeebies is their closest friend at the moment? Confused

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chocolatesparkles · 23/06/2019 21:09

@Flyingkites123 it sucks doesn't it? Been a better couple of weeks with a few family events so I have felt a bit more out there even though it is with the same people I see most days. Going to give that peanut app a go that someone upthread mentioned and see how I get on. I'm glad it's not just my DH who doesn't listen I used to say to him you never ask about my day, then I realised what actually do I have to say, well I did the washing, the kids were forgetting etc. Now I don't bother!

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RubySlippers77 · 26/06/2019 23:31

How are you feeling now @chocolatesparkles?

I completely get where you're coming from (and I know many people, especially SAHP, will). I have DTs aged 3.5 and don't arrange playdates/ see many people as they are simply too much ruddy hard work! Things I could do with one DC I just can't with two. I've put on weight and feel bored, lonely, isolated and thoroughly fed up that I'm in this position and that DP hasn't stepped up to help more. I thought he was going to be an amazing dad, turns out he's just amazingly lazy.....

@Flyingkites123 - my DP doesn't bother to listen to me any more either - he thinks I spend all my days having coffee with friends (who are all at work!) and doing nothing, despite having two toddlers to look after. He helped with the post-bedtime clear-up for 20 minutes this evening - that's 20 minutes more than he usually does, I can be going for a good couple of hours - and it put him in a foul mood. I'm now lurking downstairs rather than go to bed and face him Sad this SAHP has knocked my confidence to the extent that I don't stand up for myself any more. I really, really wish I'd gone back to work after maternity leave, but I was made redundant and didn't have the option.

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ajbellamy · 06/08/2019 20:32

I used to have this when I was with my children's dad. He would replace me with the PlayStation and talk to his brothers every. single. damn. night. It honestly made me worthless. My fiance isn't like that but now being on the outside I would start with the relationship. Ask someone to baby sit and go on date nights with him. Build up from there. Once you've reached the point where you're happy move onto friends. Friends with babies are harder believe me I had four cancel on me in the space of two weeks of the summer holidays.. Not nice! Anyway keep regular contact with them mummies, find out when they're free (maybe child free) and go and let your hair down without children. You'll find people are so more relaxed and different when there isn't children involved. I don't mean go clubbing or drinking but a cinema trip, bowling, bingo, whatever you fancy! X

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Greymoon2016 · 19/08/2019 14:27

Hi me im in this situation I moved away from my home town four years ago thinking how easy it would be to make friends as I had a little one sadly this hasnt worked out and now I'm in the position of having drifted from my old life so much I'm not part of it anymore and I've not made a great new life in new area either. I find it all very sad and lonely I have two children and I'm 24 weeks I just feel I'm letting them down by not giving them a buzzing social circle to see 😔 I have people I message but we don't see them and trying to arrange play dates is like pulling teeth I don't know what to try as I really do feel I've over the time here put myself out there but got no where sorry your going through this also op x

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Daphnesmate · 26/08/2019 21:21

I am feeling a bit alone/on the outside looking in. I have dh and three dcs and all of our time seems to be taken up looking after the dc. We have no extended family and I have no friends that I feel I can just knock on the door and speak to. I get the sense that the world is passing me by a bit. Trying to mobilise three dcs to get out of the house feels like a real trial and quite honestly defeats me sometimes (even though the eldest is a teen). I think the summer hols is exacerbating this sense of loneliness a bit because normally I have the option of popping out somewhere when there is just toddler or quite often I am able to speak to someone on the school run (sadly meet ups are in very short supply here too, not helped by the fact that one of my dcs has challenging behaviour at times. I have a few friends but they have older children and I feel out of the loop somehow and I wish I had a lovely family member that I could just jump in the car and pop and see whenever I wanted to. Hopefully when the hols are over and we are back to our old routine, I will feel a bit better (I know it sounds really sad but at least I can watch the TV programmes that I want to and just worry about looking after little dc when the other two are at school). I totally get the thing about feeling alone at toddler groups - I usually get this and unfortunately haven't yet found anyone I really get on with but at least it is a change of scene if nothing else to get out of the house. Sorry to hear that others experience this sense of loneliness too.

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RubySlippers77 · 30/08/2019 00:18

@ajbellamy, I'd love to see more people without the DC being involved, but I very rarely get to do it Sad DP just is not very helpful and seems to think I don't 'deserve' time to myself. When I've said before that I'd like to meet a friend for coffee/ a meal he'll say "but can't you do that whilst the DC are at preschool?" in an astonished tone. Answer: no, I can't, because people are AT WORK and I literally only have two hours to myself, during which time I have to cook/ clean/ make lunch for everyone too!

We don't have anyone to help us with date nights either - MIL was very ill last year (cancer) and will look after the DC for a few hours during the day but is too tired in the evenings, understandably would rather be at home.

@Daphnesmate I completely understand about wishing for family nearby!! We do have MIL & FIL but my nearest family is two hours' drive away Sad I didn't mind this so much before I had the DC - but now I would love to have someone within an easy distance that could give me a hand/ have a chat a few times a week. I did enjoy a few toddler groups and met some nice people but in general my self confidence has been knocked to the extent that I just assume people won't want to be friends, or listen to me talk at all really. Sad eh?!

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