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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

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Original poster

Selfish to be a SAHM?

22 replies

Mummaluelae · 28/08/2018 10:28

So I'm 28. Started working at 18 in childcare (and stayed with that career choice) and have recently left my job where I worked for 8 years. I have 2 children and am now a SAHM. My question is am I being selfish? I feel as if I've worked alot full time 40hour week plus unpaid overtime whilst heavily pregnant too. I know my way around a dirty nappy and teaching children the basics ect. Currently claiming universal credit with my OH who is on a zero hours but thankfully good at his job so he basically works every weekday. We are thinking of having a third child, moving to a bigger property ect. We live by the coast too so although chilly at times they get the outdoor play experiences they need to leave play and progress.
I don't want to go back to work just yet, maybe when my DD is at school age (currently 1yo) is this selfish? Is it ok? Opinions in your experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou

OP posts:

NapQueen · 28/08/2018 10:31

Being a SAHP isnt a selfish choice if between you there is enough money to pay the bills and both parents are happy with the set up.

In your situation I would rather bring in a salary than UC with dps income unreliable due to 0hours contract. Is he able to look for a permanent full time contract somewhere? For the security first and foremost.

With your experience, could you childmind for added financial security?

RedDwarves · 28/08/2018 10:36

It's not selfish, but I wouldn't be doing it in your situation, and if I did, I wouldn't be considering adding a third child and a bigger property.

Ihavethepower · 28/08/2018 10:38

Not selfish. But unreasonable to suggest that at 28 you've done your share of full time work, as you seem to be implying that!

treaclesoda · 28/08/2018 10:39

Once you are a mother, there is always someone who will say you are selfish. Breastfeeding? You're selfish for excluding the baby's father. Bottle feeding? You're selfish for not breastfeeding. SAHM? You're selfish for not paying income tax. Working mum? You're selfish for putting yourself ahead of your children. Etc etc.

A bit more financial security would be a goal to aim for in your situation, as you can never be sure that benefits won't be withdrawn. But I'm sure that is something that you are already working on, as most people are. Other than that, only you can judge if being a sahm is a good or a poor choice, and it will depend on you, your partner and your children.

Madmarchpear · 28/08/2018 10:47

I think sahm'ing is quite an unselfish thing to do. It takes a lot out of you to completely immerse yourself in a world of half eaten petit filous, toast crushed into the rug and endless toddler witterings. But I agree with previous posters that any further stresses on your income should be avoided. I wouldn't trust the tories not to bugger about with uc entitlement, especially if Brexit goes tits up next year. I'd be pushing for dp to find a proper contract and keeping an open mind about going back before school age. You're lucky you're skilled in something that will always be in demand.

43percentburnt · 28/08/2018 10:48

No of course you are not being selfish.

But you are risking pension contributions, job progression, future financial security for you (and your children-if you and oh split). Your op suggests you are not married so any assets he accrues you have no claim to should you split.

Racecardriver · 28/08/2018 10:55

Is very selfish to have more children when you are already claiming benefits. Get yourself into a position where you can afford it and then crack on.

Original poster

Mummaluelae · 28/08/2018 11:14

Although he has zero hour contract he gets work all the time because of how good he is just his employer is set to do the zero hour contract but her gets all the work unlike his colleague s who work here and there.
Didn't mean I'm done with work just I never thought I would be a SAHM but I like it being with my children you notice more things and experience more being at home with them in my experience when I went on mat leave 2 Nd time I felt my son improved so much more being at home with me and other people noticed it too!

We are more than financially capable of maintaing what we do and getting bigger property. We are lucky where we live that we can afford nice things for kids and ourselves so money is not a problem at all

OP posts:

needyourlovingtouch · 28/08/2018 11:50

What income does your DP bring in? 3 kids on one income might be tricky

InDubiousBattle · 28/08/2018 17:46

How much does your OH earn? I thought universal credit was for households on low incomes?

Original poster

Mummaluelae · 29/08/2018 07:39

UC is for low income because I am not working but we are claiming together so he gets his wages and then we get rest for myself and kids. But BC he on zero hours you have to be part of UC. He gets enough. We get enough. We do fine, we have never struggled with money

OP posts:

Pinkyyy · 29/08/2018 07:47

I absolutely don't think it's selfish. You've said you'll go back to work when DC are school age so you're essentially taking a few years off to be around for them, I was raised with a SAHM and I definitely do not think she's selfish.

With regards to bigger property and 3rd DC, there are people who have a lot more children and who are in the situation where they rely wholly on benefits. You know your finances and if it's something you think you can do then do it!

Blankscreen · 29/08/2018 07:49

I don't think rbeing a sahp is selfish if you can afford it. With the UC you seem to be able to afford it so on the front I would day your ok. (Whether you should choose to work and claim benefits is a other issue).

However there are 2 other points. (1) You refer to you other half sonpresumably you're not married. You are leaving yourself really vulnerable, if you ever break up, by not working.

(2)imo you are mad giving up a permanent full time job to rely on a zero hours contract. There is no security or anything and thefefore based on on these 2 points I think you are unreasonable to be a Sahp..as for having another one in your situation is utter madness.

Original poster

Mummaluelae · 29/08/2018 09:35

No one as such gave up a full time job we had to resign because we moved so far away, the travel would've been 3 hours plus each way to our previous jobs and we were unable to transfer. and my oh got job staright away and me although handed my notice in when moved, if I hadn't I would've taken the year of mat leave anyway. Ok I live in England and my relationship is secure we have talked about marriage so it is on the cards just not yet.

Everyone's lives are different, sometimes you plan things and have to rearrange because things happen. For example, in my situation, we talked about marriage then I got pregnant again complications occured during pregnancy and we focused on dc.
Marriage is paper. Yes for life a partner. However, if two people can commit and stay civil, marriage isn't for everyone.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 29/08/2018 09:41

The point about marriage is nothing to do with how committed you are (no one is doubting that you are committed to each other) and more to do with the fact that you are financially vulnerable if you split (and no one knows what is around the corner). As long as you have fully researched that and are happy with those risks then it’s fine.
Being a SAHM is not selfish. However I have to say I wouldn’t be doing it in your circumstances. I’m a SAHM, DH is a high earner, we are married but I’ve still only become a SAHM on the basis that we continue to pay into a private pension for me, and I have several investments from when I was working. I am also studying and maintaining membership of my professional body.

Monday55 · 30/08/2018 15:34

Also to note if either one of you where to die you wouldn't be the next of kin, won't get to arrange the funeral or make much input and you won't be able to touch his bank accounts too. You're in a vulnerable situation.

needyourlovingtouch · 31/08/2018 11:14

You need to be married. You are screwed if anything happens to him.

MarthasGinYard · 31/08/2018 11:19

I think it's selfish to have a third dc whilst claiming benefits

kikashi · 02/09/2018 12:27

It's your life - do what YOU want. You had the children and if you really enjoying being with them - do that even if it means living on less money. You only have one life an done chance bringing up children - do what fills your soul more.

MustShowDH · 05/09/2018 22:20

Not selfish to be a SAHP.

If you can't afford to live without benefits, you shouldn't be increasing your outgoings by getting a bigger house or having another child.

bandthenjust · 27/10/2018 17:37

Urgh, I hate the 'Sahp? what do you do all day/get off yer arse you lazy cow/you just don't want to work' bs. Sahp isn't an easy choice lmao. Y ou are not selfish. You just have different values and priorities than a lot of people. If it's good for ypur family, do it.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 17:42

I don't really understand your question, other than I guess to be goady, I'm a stay at home mum on benefits and don't want to work?

Do what you want. Why ask for validation from randoms on line.

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