Starting to feel isolated?

[Northernbird11]

I decided to not return to work after my maternity ended last month due to various reasons.
It’s not bothered me too much until lately and I’m starting to feel a bit lonely, isolated and that I don’t have much to offer or talk about to anyone.
I don’t know if it’s near Christmas and DH is having his Christmas parties and events and I’m.. just at home. I have all these glittery dresses hanging in my wardrobe from previous work do’s that I’m not even going to wear this year. I’m almost feeling jealous of him having all the social events in the lead up, obviously every other year I would have too but not this year. When I do get my very few friends come to see me I feel like I don’t have much to talk about. Almost like I’m a shadow of my old self.
Has anyone else felt this way?

I feel exactly the same and could have written this. I have a very similar thread to this I posted recently. It's difficult isn't it? I feel like I can't win because I know if I was working I'd want to be at home and not stuck at the Christmas parties nobody really wants to go to but at the same time I get jealous and like you think of the parties and nights out from previous years.
My friends don't have kids and they just don't understand to be honest and don't really make an effort to include me in anything non baby related. I think people forget we are women outside of being mothers. We have our own identities too and like you I felt I was losing mine. I got went to the salon today and got my hair cut and a treatment while dh looked after ds and infelt pampered and abit better!!
I think you need to make some time for yourself to do some things that make you feel like you again.

just*

I felt *

How olds your little one? My ds is 9 months old. Also do you go to any baby groups?

Thanks starmix, I’m glad it’s not just me! I’m the same when I did have nights out I didn’t want to be out too late and hated feeling rubbish the next day, but I think is just the fear of missing out! It’s the getting dressed up I think I’m craving more than anything, I want to get out of my baby food stained leggings and get a dress on!
DH came home from his xmas do so drunk last night and although I don’t like feeling out of control so I don’t get in that state anyway I did feel very jealous. It’s almost like I can’t get in the xmas spirit.
DS is nearly 11 months so similar age! I didn’t go to any groups, I might start in the spring. Did you?
I’m getting my hair and nails done closer to xmas so might suggest a meal and few drinks out with DH when I’ve had them done.. but then I feel it’s spending money for the sake of it!

Def suggest the night out with dh after you've had your hair and nails done as it'll be the perfect time to go. I'd love night out with my other half but no baby sitters
I went to one group when ds was much younger but it was too much hassle to be honest. Ds had reflux and could only cat nap and didn't enjoy it and nor did i; he was too young and there hasn't been any others for his age since. I'm going to try again in the New Year as there's a group on for babies 9-18 months near where I live. I think it's better when babies a bit older and I've heard toddler groups are the best and that most people go when their babies are abit older. I'd like a couple Mammy friends as I don't have any! And I'd like ds to have play dates.
I'm considering applying for a part time job next year as I just don't know if I can do SAHM thing after my maternity ends as I've been finding it difficult and abit lonely. I'm going to see how I feel though and how ds is etc. I can't go back to my current job due to circumstances.
i just keep telling myself if I was working over Christmas i would hate it and want to be home again and to remember what it felt like! You can't win...

I feel the exact same OP. I'm getting really depressed being at home. Especially with the dark evenings. I'm jealous of people getting dressed up and going to work while I'm at home in my pyjamas doing housework or wandering around shopping centres. I'd love to be at my desk in work having a coffee and chatting to the people near me. I'd even love to be actually doing work.

I am on a career break and due back in about 2 years - so there is an end in sight but its a long way off.

Some people enjoy being at home and seem to get more out of it but it does not suit others.

I have DCs aged 8, 6 and 1. The 8 and 6 year olds love going to their after-school club where they spend a few hours playing with friends, doing games and arts and crafts until I collect thrm. They honestly wouldn't mind if I was in work full time and they could go there everyday so I wouldn't feel guilty about going back. I think its good for them to be going there rather than just coming home with me everyday.

Maybe the 1 year old might prefer to be at home but I think it would be better for our family to have her in nursery and for me not to be depressed and lonely. My older children went to nursery as babies and while it isn't always ideal, and life can be a bit stressful, it did them no long-term harm and we were all happy enough. I found I really appreciated them when I collected them in the evening - whereas with my 1 year old I can get a bit fed up of the non-stop feeding, naps, nappies, crying etc.

You don't have to stay off if it doesn't suit you. Maybe give it another few months and see how it goes.

Starmix - I was the same and thought about going to groups over the summer but DS wasn’t even sitting up at that point and I thought he just won’t benefit from it and you know what a hassle it is leaving the house on your own with a baby! I think I will start in the new year now he can stand and interact more.
I could have gone back to work no problem but chose not to due to childcare, and I was falling out of love with my career anyway. DH didn’t very understanding and Just says I choose this, this is what I wanted, I just make excuses as to why I don’t socialise etc - I think unless you are the one at home all day every day it’s hard to see where the person is coming from! Some of my friends have babies and some don’t, but I’m the only one that doesn’t work and most of my friends are ones I met through work, so I find I end up talking about past events at work as I have nothing new to contribute. I’m hoping I’m just feeling this way cos of the time of year and once summer comes round and my and DS are sat in the sunshine while DH is at work i’ll feel different!
I know exactly how you feel though and you are def not the only one. Where abouts do you live?
What does your DH say about how you are feeling?
If you can’t get a sitter could you maybe have a date type night at home, get dressed up a bit and have a nice meal and a few drinks? xx

Imaginosity - I laughed at your first paragraph as I reasonate with it so much - I literally am either in my pjs at home doing housework or wandering aimlessly round shopping centres with DS! In fact the only time I left the house last week was for an aimless wander round the local shopping centre! There is only so many times you can wander round savers and Poundland before you get fed up lol!
How come you are on a career break if you don’t mind me asking?
You have your hands much more full than I do as I just have the one 1 year old, you will have lunches to make and school uniforms etc to iron too - I bet you are run off your feet, I’m shattered at the end of the day with just my 1!
I’ve had a couple of job offers recently to be honest but I’ve had to turn them down as they involved travel, we don’t really want to put DS I’m nursery just yet and on top of that there is a waiting list in my area for one - and my parents said they would have DS but I would have to bring him to them - and they live 30 mins away in the opposite direction of where the jobs were, so would involve too much travelling compared to the wages I would get if that makes sense.
I know what you mean though, I just miss using my brain a bit and having a gossip, I kind of even miss all the pointless work dramas that at the time I hated! As starmix said though if I was working I’m sure I would be moaning as they did use to mess with my hours, which I’m sure would have happened if I went back.
We’ll just have to make everyone that is making us jealous now, jealous in summer when we are sat in the sun getting tanned while they are stuck in a boiling office! xx

Thanks northern, ds isn't going to bed until 10pm at the moment so date nights don't work in the house unfortunately. I can't complain as he is sleeping 10 hours and sleeping through at the moment (for now anyway I don't want to curse it as he's onlt just emerged from the dreaded 9mth sleep regression.)

I'm the same as you I haven't wanted to put ds in childcare/nursery as feel he's too little. I also don't see the point in paying for childcare and not making much profit on a part time wage. DH is going to change his hours and work 5 over 4 to enable me to look for a job just one day a week next year. That way we don't pay for childcare, I don't have to put ds in childcare and I get one day of freedom and social interaction with adults for a full 8 hours & stimulate my brain again! I will also relish in a day of not being covered in baby food and sticky bits... the amount of tank tops I go through in a week and leggings is immense; it's a sad state of affairs, alas the joys of motherhood! The 1 day a week will be win just hope there are jobs avail. I need to wear smart office wear so badly! And maybe after work drinks...I won't know myself!
I live in the north east, how about you? As you said I can't wait for the Summer. it'll be lovely as I can actually be in the sun with ds as I couldn't summer gone due to him being too tiny (probably similarly to yourself with your ds) and the year before I was frightened to overheat with being pregnant so it's well overdue. At least I'll actually fit into my shorts again too (if not too indulgent at Christmas but there's a bottle of fizz with my name on it!)

win win*

Could have written this myself too. I work from home and have DD (2) and barely see anyone. See DP when he's not at work, mum once a week, and other than that I only chat with my courier man and postman 🙈 so no advice but lots of sympathy

ohcecelia it's hard isn't it!?! I had such a incorrect perception of what being off work with a baby would be like when I was pregnant. I had visions of wandering around random places in the afternoon just because 'I could' with a angel baby in sling fast asleep wandering around museums, maybe a trip to baby cinema, grabbing coffee with mammy friends. Reality was a screaming baby, silent reflux and colick in conjunction with cat naps, spit up all over me and leaking breasts!! Being a hormonal emotional sleep deprived crazy woman the last thing on my mind was leaving the house in those early weeks!
It's alot easier now ds is 9'months old but it is lonely I agree. I had a bit too long of a conversation with the cashier in Asda and the woman in the hairdressers

an*

Starmix - I live on the yorkshire coast so I’m maybe not too far from you! I know what you mean, even though my uniform was scrubs so not exactly smart at least they usually stayed clean!
How come he goes to bed at 10pm? I’m just wondering as my DS used to go around that time and sleep through, then our parents etc kept saying it was too late so we gradually moved it earlier. For about a month he slept 8am-8pm but now he wakes up anywhere between 3.30am-5am unless we keep him up until 10pm ish in which case he sleeps through!
I think it’s maybe a case of the grass is always greener on the other side, people going out to work would probably love a day at home and vice versa.
I agree we don’t want DS going to nursery until he has to for school, and plus they are so expensive I just don’t see the point in working to pay childcare fees.
Yeah I was the same, our garden is on a slant so it was hard to sit out with DS in his pram last summer and when I finally had the bright idea of getting a little tent for him, the weather turned! I don’t know about fitting in shorts lol.. I’m back to my weight I was before I got pregnant but I find my jeans (or anything but leggings lol) so uncomfortable now for some reason!

Ohcecila - I’m glad it’s not just me that feels this way! I find that random old ladies seem to come and talk to me a lot more now (maybe cos they like to fuss over DS) but I don’t mind keeping them talking just for a bit of conversation haha!
I’ve got one better than that - the only night out I’ve had this year was with my hairdresser! She was doing my hair one Saturday and said why don’t you come out with me tonight.. I think she felt sorry for me!

8pm-8am not the other way round hahaha

I live near the coast as well; how bizzare! The Yorkshire coast is lovely and very picturesque (looks beautiful from pictures I've seen); my grandmother was from Yorkshire so I've always had a connection to it. I've visited North Yorkshire before for a little break away with DH pre baby! I'm a fan of Brymore icecream parlour in the Yorkshire dales (best icecream I've ever tasted.) When ds gets older we're going to take him there.
Ah the 10pm thing- it's the the way DS's schedule has worked out really and not something we encouraged. We've always let him chose his own bedtime and haven't fought with him when he hasn't been tired to go to bed. When he shows tired signs we stick him up in his cot and he goes down no problem. He used to go at 8pm, then 9pm for while. At the moment it's 10pm because he's been waking at 8am and he has two long naps with roughly 3 hours intervals and by time he's had his second nap it ends up being later he's due his nighttime sleep. Last night however ds did fall asleep slightly earlier and he was up earlier so I'm thinking it might be a 9pm bedtime tonight and hopefully it's coming forward alittle bit. Although dh has liked getting to see ds alittle longer when he's been home from work as he doesn't get in until later.

Oh I'm with you on the jeans front; I'm all for jeggins they're so comfy! Even my shorts are elasticated waist with a button. I don't know when I'd be brave enough to try on anything not elasticated to be honest as still feel like need to tone my stomach up!!

It is nice for small babies to be with their parents but I found as my children got towards age 3 or 4 they started to really enjoy being in nursery. There were many days I arrived to collect them and they didn't want to go home because they were having fun playing with the other children.

When I go back to work I will be paying almost my whole wages towards nursery fees for a few years - but in a way I'm also paying for my sanity - and ensuring I can stay in the workplace in a job I enjoy. It wouldn't be easy for me to go back to work after 5 or more years off. I would have lost all confidence in myself and I'd be totally out of the loop.

When I had my first child I felt it was so wrong to put him in nursery - but now looking back 8 years later I can see it was a good choice for our family.

I know a few SAHM's who seem really happy - they tend to have busy social lives - meeting up with others for coffee, classes, nights out and helping on the PA. I'm not as social as them, even though I have tried, so I think that's why its less enjoyable for me.

I would really recommend going to groups. At this age it's not for their benefit it's for yours and to make mummy friends and realise you all feel the same. If you sign up to classes then you see the same faves every week and start to build a connection. Ones like baby sensory or sing and sign are really good and less daunting than a baby group with just tea or coffee for entertainment. In a class you dont need to make idle chit chat if you dont want to but it gets you out of the house and it makes a massive difference. I've just relocated so had to start again but 8 weeks in to my new village and i feel like I'm making friends. It takes time and perseverance but I always found I was more depressed if I stayed at home and I have no family nearby x