A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.
A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.
Do you think SAHPs are always forgotten about
todayisthedays · 11/08/2017 15:11
So I'm a SAHM ( not by choice but because childcare would cost too much and would be pointless me paying just to work with very little left over to financially benefit us. I have no friends or family to help me with childcare and my husband shifts don't allow us to work around each other so I feel I just have to accept life for what it is.
I'm sick of having to be the one that stays at home just because I'm a woman. I won't get paid as much as my husband does now so we will lose massive amounts! The thing that gets me is the amount of allowances that can be made on the work place for woman but not for men who have SAH. I've seen it in my husbands work place. My husband has to work shifts based on the needs of the company and has to work every Monday and Wednesday without fail because of the things that need doing those days but others don't have the same demands and can have a 'say' whether they can work those days or not even tho they have the same job title. My husband said he works these days because otherwise things wouldn't get done properly so it's like he's the manager when he's not!
I'm the one left with no opportunities to go back to work. I absolutely hate being a SAHM. I love my kids but I hate it because I'm sick of being looked down on and seen as 'lazy' for staying at home. I hate the mundane life it brings where I have no social life, no career, no income of my own, no satisfaction that You get from a job. Because I'm seen as not being entitled to these things because I don't work whereas my husband works so he deserves to go out with his
Friends and to the gym because he works hard and earns the money.
Like as well, My husband booked his holidays off work with work in advance. He had booked a week off this Aug because it's the summer holidays but he had to change his week because a lady needed it off instead because of a last minute family holiday. So my husband swapped her Holiday week and I didn't even get a say in it! We didn't have any holiday planned ( as we can't afford one just yet) but it's not the point is it! Why should her needs some first because she works.. not as if she needed it off because of childcare issues is it, it was due to a holiday. My husband had his 'swapped' week off last week but it's not the point because now I have 3-4 weeks with the kids whilst he's working so not much of a break between the weeks now he's had to swap.
I don't know if I'm just feeling resentful and ranting about pointless stuff but I just feel so down and isolated. I don't regret having kids but I didn't have a support network had had shit parents so ended up in this path! I envy all those who had great parents and guided them i the right direction
Hercules12 · 11/08/2017 15:16
I'm a little confused - did you expect your dh's work to take his partner into account when changing his holiday?
I'm sure somewhere here there's a good post or thread about the long term benefits of working even if there is little short term gain e.g better prospects, better future pay, pension etc.
Would it not be worth working even for a small amount of profit for the longer term benefits?
Hercules12 · 11/08/2017 15:18
Are you a sahm because you're a woman or because your dh earns more than you? Dh and I have both done this role for short periods of time when dc were very little depending on who was earning what. Dh also worked nights for a few years. Is that a possibility?
Sistersofmercy101 · 11/08/2017 15:30
Your post resonates so much!
But I want to say - you do work dammit, you work damn hard! So yes, you are absolutely deserving of respect, time off, nights out and all that! Your employed husband needs to think about the FACT that without your work (and the personal financial sacrifice this entails) your joint household would have to pay a childcare provider, who'd be entitled to pay, sick pay, paid holidays and would be a great deal less freaking accommodating of his shift pattern! In short, would he actually be able to do what he does work wise, without you there to do what you do unpaid??! 😮
todayisthedays · 11/08/2017 16:41
Thanks for your responses
In regards to the Holiday change.. she asked him because she was going on about how it is the first family holiday in years and its the only chance they will get etc so he felt he couldn't say no but he already booked his holidays in advance so why should have have changed it. And I think as a SAHM I get no say in the change when we discuss his holiday planning together and then he gets guilt Tripped into changing it.
@Sistersofmercy101 I feel like my life is on hold when his just keeps moving
Puffpaw · 11/08/2017 17:16
It is your dh who is responsible for swapping the holiday without consulting you. It is your dh who is responsible for fixing his shifts the Monday and wednesday (although I don't see why that is a problem) and it is you who is responsible for not going back to work. It is also most certainly beneficial to work in the longer term even if it means working at a loss in the short term.
Puffpaw · 11/08/2017 17:19
Aloso both you and your husband would be paying for childcare not just you.
Get back to work, sahm is tough and not for everyone.
SpartacusSaiman · 11/08/2017 17:23
I'm sick of having to be the one that stays at home just because I'm a woman. I won't get paid as much as my husband does now so we will lose massive amounts!
You are the sahm because he earns more. Not because you are a woman.
Women who have husbands that stay at home arent getting treated any different. Women arent either.
You dh agrees to change his holidays. He is the one insisting if has to work certain days.
You issue isnt that woman who work with kids get treated better. Or that women with kids and sahd get treated better.
Your issue isnt that work didnt consider you.
Your issue is you dh insisting he has to do certain shifts. Changes holidays eithout consulting you etc.
AccrualIntentions · 11/08/2017 17:30
I don't really understand. If you worked too, what exactly would your husband's work be doing differently? What allowances would they be making? And if he were a woman and you were a stay at home dad, what would the difference be?
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 11/08/2017 17:37
Yes I think your DH needs to stand up for himself more at work. He is just as entitled to consideration for time off at certain times for childcare needs/family holiday as the women he works with, so this is something to think about- My DH sometimes does need this as we both work and juggle childcare between us. Could you find some work at times he's off? It would probably help you to have some alternative occupation for a few hours per week even if it's not well-paid or very interesting. (Bar work? Working in a care home?)
Also you need to point out to your DH you are just as entitled to go to the gym or out with your friends as he is, it's a shocking attitude to say that you 'aren't working' when you are looking after the children for you both, it's bloody hard work.
HillaryWinshaw · 11/08/2017 17:42
Go back to work.
Even if the cost of childcare is such that - in the short term - there is little or no financial gain. There are so many long-term consequences of having extended periods out of the workforce.
I sympathize with everything you're feeling. I was a SAHM for a while and hated it. Even though childcare is expensive, going back to work is the best thing I ever did. Because everything you've said is true - your husband's career will progress as yours stagnates, you'll be financially dependent on your husband. The list goes on.
SellFridges · 11/08/2017 17:43
I think you're feeling a bit sorry for yourself (not surprising at this stage in the school holidays!).
I presume your children are at school as you mention the holidays so I would suggest that as soon as they are back you have a look at careers and opportunities that interest you.
VikingVolva · 11/08/2017 17:46
I'm sick of having to be the one that stays at home just because I'm a woman
That is just so wrong. And it does sound to me as if being a SAHP doesn't suit you - it sounds to me as if you need to get back to work. Not because there's anything inherently wrong with being a SAHM, it just seenpms all wrong for you as an individual.
It's not uncommon to work off a while for little more than childcare. But it's still worth it because it keeps you in employment, building your CV, possibly getting promoted etc.
It is not a given that a woman will be the lower earner. But can all too easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy for those who take lengthy career breaks.
Where do you want to be in 5 years? What do you need to start doing now to get there?
susannahmoodie · 11/08/2017 17:50
Go back to work. Work at a loss or for not very much because longer term it is much better to keep a hand in. I could never have been a SAHM because I'd have gone insane.
Merakcat · 14/08/2017 22:06
Who do you feel looks down on you as being lazy?
Because I'm seen as not being entitled to these things because I don't work whereas my husband works so he deserves to go out with his. Friends and to the gym because he works hard and earns the money. Says who exactly?
As for the holiday swapping, your husband chose to swap, this could be viewed as doing a work mate a favor or being a pushover. Who knows, she may return the favor in the future. Being the one who can ALWAYS do the Monday/Wednesday jobs may mean that he is seen as reliable, this in turn might mean that he is in a better position for promotion.
I used to HATE being a SAHP and I did go insane, I was always a I couldn't be a SAHP type of person. Life meant that I had too (we simply couldn't afford to run at a loss and have me go back to work) so I have had to make it work.
I don't feel looked down upon for not working a paid job, I have hunted down (in a non stalker type way obviously) a great group of friends and regularly go out and spend money on myself. I have seen it as investing in myself so that I can get back out there when the opportunity arrives.
School holidays can be gutty, but try and re-frame and look at the positives. Stop hanging out with people who make you feel shit and have a think about any re-training that you would like to do. Youngest DC goes to nursery in September and I have a new business launching, I will be customer facing when youngest is at nursery and doing as much behind the scene stuff as I can the rest if the time.
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