Feeling low

[StrawberryMints]

I think I'm really not enjoying being a SAHM, and I'm becoming very resentful of my DH and the freedom he has.

DH runs his own company and believes its important for morale to be taking his staff out regularly. This means they go on evenings out every couple of weeks and weekends away every few months. I'm feeling really jealous. Some of the things he's organising with them sound like a lot of fun, and remind me of the things we would have done together in our 20s. I've asked if I can come to some of them with him, but he says that would be weird as no other wives will be there (even though it's his company, fair enough, maybe it would be weird).

In reality he's not going out THAT much... but I'm not going out at all. I actually can't remember the last time I did something in the past 2 years.

He keeps telling me I should just go out then, but my best friend is very sick and isn't able to go out and I don't really have any one else that I could go out with. And I miss going out with my DH. We used to do everything together and now I feel like I've no one to do anything with. It's much easier when you're at work and there are these regular social events that you can go to.

I can't help but think that the problem is that I don't want to be a SAHM anymore. I want to go back to work, and have the same level of interaction with other adults and opportunities for work nights out. My DH doesn't want that though - he works long hours and it would really inconvenience him. He would probably be unable to help me with any drop offs or pick ups and it would all be down to me. He very much believes its best for me to stay at home for the children. And I believe that too really...at least while they are very young. but I'm going out of my mind. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like I must be an awful mother.

I just feel so lacking in goals, interaction, and I can't remember the last time I did something that was fun. I'm also pregnant with my second child - 4 months... so it's not realistic really to go back to work anyway.

I'm starting to feel like I really don't like my DH much. We don't talk. We don't see each other. He often drinks most nights he does come home and sits on the computer. I feel so lonely, but I just don't know what to do.

Do I just have to suck it up until I have this second baby and then maybe look for a job when this one is old enough, so probably not for at least another 2 years?! I'm just not sure I can cope with that. My mind feels like jelly.

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time op being a SAHM is HARD and can feel really is isolating. Congratulations on your pregnancy btw! Do you have any relatives nearby that can maybe babysit and you and your DH can go out for a date night? Or better still can you all go away on a mini break somewhere easy within driving distance before you get far along? Somewhere really peaceful, technology free and just have some quality family time. Have you told your DH how you feel? He might be so involved in his work that he doesn't even realise what he's doing when he's home? As soon as my DH is through the door I've got verbal diarrhoea!! Haha he was the same with his work emails until I said how it makes me feel and now after 7pm the phone and laptop is off, sometimes the tv is off as well and it's just some nice music and catch up. It makes the world of difference for us. I hope this helps

Sounds very tough op. You need to get out! What are you interested in? Book groups (often run in evenings)? Swimming? Dinner with family? Shopping(have a full weekend day)? Could you do some pregnancy yoga class or something like that? Help you meet people and get out a night or two a week?

Your dh sounds like an arsehole by the way. What does he do now with regard to housework, looking after your ds etc? Dp and I often have nights out in. Bear with me, I know it sounds crap! We get changed and have a slightly posher meal at the table with music on and some wine (or whatever you like). It's as near as we can get to going out without going out (we have very few baby sitting options).

Sorry, but he is being so selfish. Does he ever take a turn looking after your child so you get a break? Could you look into doing some kind of evening class while you're pregnant, learn a new skill/language etc? It really is unfair that he has these regular social outings while you get left out. I would feel really hard done by

Op ive been like this for years and it's soul destroying. I forgot who I was. I forgot how to talk to people how to socially interact.

I got a part time job and I love it! I live the freedom of working. I love taking the Children to nursery. I live the stillness, the peace. It's just great!

My dh also works long hours and it all falls on me. However I've started to tell him he needs to be home for a certain night every week so I can go to a fitness class. He hates it but it's tough!

Honestly op do something for you! Could you put your DC with a childminder or in a nursery for a day or half a day?

It's time to fight back. You are an equal not a house slave!

I agree that he sounds selfish. If he's so keen on the children having a SAHP he should be prepared to give up work himself!

Having said that, if you're 6 months pregnant it probably isn't the best time to return to work right now. But definitely make a plan for going back in the future!

Pay for a babysitter and go out with your husband sometimes. Insist on one night a week when he stays off the computer and you have a proper conversation.

No,you dont need to wait 2 years OP,if working is what you want to do. My DC are 10,2 and 7 months and I am back at work. The little ones go to an amazing CM and I am happy to bw working. Imnot cut out for SAHM life and found I wasnt myself anymore during both recent mat leaves.

I pay a fortune in childcare and for some whats left wouldn't make it worth working but for me, working is about so much more than money, I do it for my own wellbeing and happiness, which in turn makes me a better, less grumpy mum!

I feel like I'm completely losing sight of what I enjoy InDubious. I think that's part of the problem. Maybe I need to force myself to go to some adult education classes or something to try to work out what makes me happy again. I feel like I've no identity anymore.

Yes I've told DH how I feel Lottie. He doesn't say I can't go out, just that I can't join him when he goes out. He also knows that at the moment with my closest friend being very sick, I'm probably not going to take him up on any offers of babysitting so I can go out. I do think a lot of the problem is that I have limited friends and that's not really DHs fault!

This might sound a weird question but how do you find a babysitter who will look after the children at night but also have someone they would be comfortable with if they woke up? I'm just worried about my toddler waking and finding a stranger there and being upset. Is it usual to want the equivalent of a "settling in session" with a babysitter during the day so my DS can get to know them before I leave him with them? I think that's what's put me off looking for someone in the past.

Oh OP, sounds hard!
As PP have said, can you have a date night indoors? No computer / phone, get a takeaway / talk and have a giggle together?
Without being unkind I can see why he feels it would be odd to bring you on work nights out when no other partners go, people behave differently at work, especially when they are the boss. And I guess the aim is team building, which you aren't part of (meant very kindly).
Can you do antenatal pilates or yoga maybe? I met some lovely mum friends doing a class, they have saved my sanity through mat leave.
It seems your DH is not blocking you going out, as he bloody shouldn't of course, but that your lack of social circle is. Try some classes, you might enjoy, you'll have me time, and something new to talk to him about on your dining table date night.
Good luck and big hugs

Antenatal yoga sounds a good idea tobuy. Thank you! I will see if I can find something local.

I am a shareholder in the business and when it started was very involved. I did all of the HR/policies and all the contracts (commercial and employment) and although I didn't go into the office I felt very involved.

As the business has got bigger I've been less involved and a lot of the key stuff has been setup now as templates or it just doesn't need to be redone so I've had less to do. But I set up all the pensions recently for example. So yes the appearance to staff is that I'm not involved at all, but I guess I don't see why that should be the case. I feel like maybe being the bosses wife who did help start it all and is a shareholder should mean I should be treated as one of the team, and could at least be invited to keep events like company birthday parties. I can also see why it would seem weird though as the staff don't know me or of my involvement.

I think if I'm honest with myself I am jealous that he has this business and social diary and daily mental stimulation that I helped to build but have sort of been "dropped" from as it got bigger. I used to enjoy it being something we did together at the start and I guess it's just another thing which feels like we no longer do together.