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A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.


Become a stay at home mum..

17 replies

Lostmymarbles1985 · 27/06/2017 20:43

Hi, looking for some advice!
My Dh has just been given a promotion he had been after for years. It comes with a substantial payrise which would mean we could afford for me to give up work. I am due to start back next week from maternity leave after baby 4 and I am so torn. I have only worked part time since baby number two but have always longed to be a stay at home mum. Now that this could be a reality I am actually a little bit scared at the thought of being financially dependant on dh. So I guess I just want a bit of perspective from stay at home parents about the money side. I don't want to ask permission every time I need clothes or something for myself. How does everyone work it?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 27/06/2017 20:46

The way we work it is all money gets put into account, all bills and spending comes out of account. Both have equal access to it and it's considered family money. We'd both clear bigger spends with each other. It been this way for us since before we had kids though so no big change for us.

Lostmymarbles1985 · 27/06/2017 20:53

Thank you. That's kind of how we work it now all money is pooled into one account. It's me that deals with all the finances which I think is what I would find weird if I wasn't putting into the pot. I guess communication is key. It's a daunting thought.xx

OP posts:
Tinseleverywhere · 27/06/2017 21:03

If your dh is the kind to make you ask for money or be jealous of you staying home in any way rather than grateful for your contribution and totally ok with shared money I wouldn't become a sahm

SheepyFun · 27/06/2017 21:21

Although I'm not a SAHM, I work much less than DH, and bring in much less. We have the same arrangement as InDubiousBattle

We could afford for me not to work. However I keep my hand in (one day a week), partly for my mental health, but also in case something happens to DH. We've come close to that - he's had periods of ill health where he couldn't walk more than 20m; fortunately he has a sedentary job, and has never been out of work, but it's worth asking what your family would do in that situation.

WhatplanB · 28/06/2017 12:26

I'm a SAHM and it had worked for our family until DH (well paid) job became very stressful and after time out of the workplace my "choice" to return had evaporated. This is a tough job climate and you seem to have survived the hard bit which from my experience is leaving someone else with the babies! I really regret not trying to get back into the workplace earlier before my 3DC started school.
Also with the big promotion and pay rise there will be a pound of flesh, longer hours maybe more stress. If you keep your options open then you have flexibility if it turns out not to be want he wants.

NataliaOsipova · 28/06/2017 12:40

Agree with a pp - you need equal access to money, which is shared. And you need an equal "call" on that. So - obviously, I'd discuss with DH before I bought a new car, but I wouldn't ask him before I bought, say, a new dress, or something for the children.

You also need good humour and a sense of respect for what each other does. So - if I've had a bad day and he gets a ready meal for dinner? No complaints - he accepts that running round after kids can be demanding and time consuming. If something comes up at work and he can't be back so I can do something I've planned to do? I accept that that has to come first as it's that which provides the money for the family. You need to sing from the same hymn sheet and work as a team.

MoMandaS · 28/06/2017 12:45

Most of his salary goes into the joint account but we each have an equal set amount going into our personal accounts each month - that way, he doesn't have to feel resentful of me spending on stuff he might consider frivolous (e.g. makeup), not that he would anyway, and I don't have to feel annoyed about him spending on his hobby (which I probably would!). It works really well for us and means we can treat each other with meals, presents etc if we feel like it.

OrangeJulius · 28/06/2017 13:07

I'm a SAHM, and my name is on all bank accounts, is on the house, and the car is in my name. All money is family money. We both mention if we are thinking of making a large purchase, though we are both pretty conservative financially so this doesn't come up much.

GreenTulips · 28/06/2017 13:10

It is much harder to get back to work if you have time out - I was a SAHP because financially the childcare was more expensive 3 under 2 - but DH gave me an amount to cover shopping and day to day expenses - car insurance etc so it worked out ok until the kids went to school

Pickerel · 28/06/2017 13:13

Think carefully OP! Just because you've always wanted to be a SAHM, when it wasn't really likely to happen, doesn't mean you have to do it now the opportunity has arisen. Getting back into the workplace can be tough, and you may even find yourself missing work! Sorry to be negative about this. Just want to encourage you to think hard before you give up your part time job.

If you do take the plunge, I agree that all money should be shared and you shouldn't feel bad about buying clothes etc.

TomHardysLeftFoot · 28/06/2017 13:16

I'm a SAHM by default as I have a DC with ASD, I am his carer.

All our money is pooled, we each have a set amount to ourselves each month from this but the family funds such as food/petrol money is pooled and we have equal access.

Asparaguswee · 28/06/2017 13:18

It depends on what you want really. I'm a sahm, coming up for 10 years now. All money is paid into a joint bank account, all bills/savings/pensions etc come from that account and the leftover money is there for whatever we choose or need to spend it on.
I wouldn't stand for having to ask for money or being given a certain amount. I'm a grown woman, I'm more than capable of understanding if we can afford something or not.
What was the most important factor for me was that my DH knew and understood the value of me being at home. He puts great importance on it and understands my worth. If your DH is the kind of 'it's alright for you, at home all day while I'm out working' knobhead I read about in here then staying at home isn't going to work for you.

Bdog1 · 28/06/2017 13:52

Only you can decide what is best for your family. My only advice would be that no decision you make now has to be forever so try not to feel so pressured. How about giving yourself a year as a SAHM and then reevaluating? As you aren't a first time mum you know only to well the pros and cons of staying at home versus working so at least neither option will come as too much of a shock Smile good luck

juneau · 28/06/2017 14:25

I've been a SAHP for almost 10 years and we do much like InDubiousBattle. Personally, I think it works fine, as long as both of you are wholly supportive and valuing of the the SAHP's contribution. My DH could never have done so well at work if he'd been juggling school runs, DC's sick days, etc. With me here, taking care of everything child and house related he's been free to work the hours he needs to, travel for business, go to evening events, and be 100% committed. If your DH would value that and recognise your contribution in that equation (mine does - but has at times need to be reminded of the freedoms he takes for granted), then I'd say go for it. Do understand though that you could be committing career suicide. You'll be okay for a year or two, which will give you a chance to try before you buy, but if you do think you want to go back at some point you need to think long and hard about this.

Lostmymarbles1985 · 28/06/2017 18:05

Wow thank you everyone. It's great to get some perspective. One major factor now is that my mil has always been an amazing help with childcare for school runs and school holidays so we have always had an amazing support. However mil is not well and struggles now with the children so we do need to figure out how to go it alone more. Dh is very supportive thankfully, he has been trialling the job he is going to be doing for the last 6 months while I have been on maternity leave. I think im going to go back for 6 months or so to top up the savings and pay off some things that have added up while I have been off and Christmas is coming. Once we know exactly what his salary is and I can work out a budget im going to give it a go.
Im not career orientated and happy with any little job so not too worried about a gap in my CV. Dh main concern is me having an outlet away from the kids but I do have a few things up my sleeve I can do from home of needs be and I've recently got back into running which definitely helps clear the head.
Thank you all for your replies!!

OP posts:
PotatoesAreDelicious · 02/07/2017 17:32

Hopefully I can add to this. I became an accidental SAHM over 12 years ago. Like you Dh had a pay rise and I was part time with a toddler.

We don't need me to earn a salary and so I don't really care about a gap in my CV.

With two children now aged 14 and 11 I have been able to provide the help they needed with homework without feeling frazzled and over-tired. I have been able to help out my friends with inset day childcare.

Dh has no housework/shopping/cooking stress, I have no work stress.

Money is shared and big purchases discussed. We have been together 21 years so we know each other well so no surprise spending.

I try to make his life as easy as possible because he makes mine easy. We remember to appreciate the role the other person plays in this mad circus of family Grin

Do it, you will never get this time back. If it doesn't work out you can always go back to work.

EmeraldIsle100 · 02/07/2017 17:50

OP don't ever refer to yourself as 'not putting into the pot'.

The work you do at home is covering childcare costs for 4 children along with all the extra costs like cleaning, housework, homework, transport etc which you do for probably an average of 18 hours a day.

If your work was valued by society the way it should be your salary would be higher than your DH's.

You sound very switched on and your DH sounds like a decent person. The kids won't be little forever and someone as motivated as you will find a way to get a job outside the home when the time is right.

Check that all financial arrangements regarding wills, insurance, pension rights etc are all in place.

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