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I feel out of my depth

21 replies

Lbjmum2014 · 19/06/2017 08:35

Hi all,

I'm a SAHM to a 2.5 year old boy. He's a lovely, chatty little boy and we mostly have a lot of fun together but he also has ferocious tantrums, a tonne of energy, and been a terrible sleeper from birth. DS was a colicky, screaming, non sleeping discontent nightmare when he was a baby.

I'm now almost 8 weeks pregnant with no 2, after having a recent miscarriage . DH really wanted 2 children, as for me I'm not sure as I don't know how I'd cope with no family nearby. But I went along with it as I told myself I'd cope somehow as "everyone does" according to DH. I never wanted children in the past but now wouldn't imagine life with my DS. After 2.5 years of sleep deprivation (sleep training didn't work), I'm really bricking it at the thought of having another newborn to care for.

I've suffered from very well hidden depression and anxiety since my teens. I don't make friends easily. Prior to children, I always worked. I held down a very highly paid career for nearly 15 years, suffering mental breakdowns a few times as I hated my job but couldn't leave because I couldn't find anything which paid as well. When DS came, i decided I couldn't go back to my old job as I just wouldn't cope with the added pressure.

Most of my savings went into our house deposit so we'd be able to afford a mortgage on one income. Now I find myself having to be careful with money all the time. I don't mind it as I cherish the opportunity to be home with DS and am fortunate that my DH earns as much as I used to and can afford us this lifestyle. But if I'm honest, I miss my old lifestyle (not my job) sometimes. I loved travelling and seeing new places. But now I have no one with leave DS with when I go for my midwife or doctor appointments.

I'm really anxious I won't be able to find a family friendly job when DC are older. I don't want DC to think I do nothing all day and sponge off DH. My old city job does not do part time, is very specialised and with very little transferable experience.

I'm also lonely. I don't make friends easily though I've met loads of mums at parent and toddler groups - we all get on but it never extends beyond the group. I can be sociable and outgoing but I'm generally an introvert. I haven't met any mum who "gets me". DS has lots of play dates but it's all about the kids if you know what I mean...

Sorry for the long post. I feel lost sometimes and just needed to put it in writing.

OP posts:
VerityHabitat · 19/06/2017 12:34

It is such a big change and years of sleep deprivation really take their toll.

Have you had any support with getting your DS to sleep? Take it one thing at a time and I would focus on getting him to sleep better if possible.

Maybe others will have more advice.

Lbjmum2014 · 19/06/2017 13:45


I've not had any support apart from
DH. We've tried controlled crying for 3 weeks. Going in at intervals, DH to comfort him, DS just screamed and screamed until he was sick. His crying would go on for hours despite comforting, and DH needed to work the next day. Once DS was touching my body, he just went limp and fell asleep.

So now, we bedshare and DS sleeps better but he is a very fidgety sleeper who still wakes frequently and wants to lie on our chests. Once he does, he's very quickly asleep. It's a security thing I think....

He's very outgoing, independent and sociable in the day though!

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VerityHabitat · 19/06/2017 13:57

You might visit the GP and discuss melatonin (it's a benign chemical that our bodies produce when we go to sleep) to help your son go to sleep. It saved my sanity with my second non-sleeping child.

prettywhiteguitar · 19/06/2017 14:10

I find putting a pillow in between me and ds when we sleep together stops me from wanting to kill him in the night Grin his favourite is to kick me all night long.

prettywhiteguitar · 19/06/2017 14:12

Oh I did sleep clinic with the health visitor which was really helpful, as for making friends it does take time. In fact it wasn't until I moved to a village and met a lot of other mothers in the same position that I made friends. Ds was 3.5 by this point !

I started a stitch and bitch group in the pub to tempt people to be my friend Grin it did work actually!

Lbjmum2014 · 19/06/2017 16:17

Thanks prettywhiteguitar and VerityHabitat. My GP is very old school about anything but I'll try and ask him about melatonin. Last I looked, they seem to have cut the sleep clinics in our area due to cost and long term staff sickness but I might give it another go. As I type this DS is waking up from his nap, making a liar of me :)

I think being barefoot and pregnant with an energetic, outgoing and temperamental 2.5 year old (he can walk for miles and miles) can be hard! I am introverted and miss peace and quiet.

I need to persist with meeting more people. I'm socially anxious (but been told I don't appear to be) and really hope to find friends who will like me for me and vice versa. I do have a few girlfriends like that but they are all abroad where I come from .

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prettywhiteguitar · 20/06/2017 16:59

Oh god do I miss peace and quiet!!

I miss pottering around on a Sunday morning making eggs and listening to the radio.

I have a 9 yr old ds so I know how quickly they grow up and I do appreciate my little ones, but I do wish for quiet on occasion!

prettywhiteguitar · 20/06/2017 17:00

You are in a really hard stage, it will pass and I bet you will meet people When you have your new baby !

RandomUsernameHere · 20/06/2017 21:41

I'm sure things will improve for you OP. A lot of people say that their second child is a much better sleeper than their first and generally a more chilled out baby. Also not long now until your DS gets his free hours in preschool or nursery, so that will make life easier.

It sounds like you're in a similar position to me career-wise, I was in a well paid professional job but gave it up to be a SAHM. Just try and remind yourself that you're fortunate to have the option (I mean that in the nicest possible way, I know it can be hard when you're having a tough day)!

If your GP is not great then you're completely within your rights to ask to see another one.

In time I'm sure you will make friends that "get" you a bit more. You only need one or two really good friends to make all the difference. It's not at all unusual to be socially anxious but appear outwardly confident, there are bound to be others in the same boat.

UnalliterativeGeorge · 20/06/2017 21:49

I found the thought of a toddler and newborn was worse than the actual thing. All the anticipation made it worse.

Uhtred · 21/06/2017 07:19

I'm a sahm to a now 4 and 2 year old and I've definitely had bouts of feeling like you. I was worried how I'd cope with a newborn and a 2 year old but actually I found it easier in some ways as it's less intense when you have to split your time between them both, and they will interact and entertain each other. Also time does seem to fly by more when you're busy with two and before you know it your little one will be starting school and you'll meet people that way. I used to crave more friends at times but now it seems my dd has an invite to a different play date all the time and I kind of miss just being able to do my own thing and don't like socialising as much as I thought I would! 😂
Also, sleep deprivation is the killer here, once you've cracked that the world will seem a different place!

Lbjmum2014 · 21/06/2017 08:00


Thanks for the reminder of how quickly they grow. I do miss having my own time, being able to go running for hours marathon training and then crash on the sofa after.

I miss being able to cook interesting fancy new things and read a recipe book for DH and I instead of "what can I put together as quickly as possible while DS is watching television for a while". I miss being able to afford to go for all the classes and courses I used to go to. But it will all pass I guess....

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Lbjmum2014 · 21/06/2017 08:09


I'm hoping no 2 (if he or she does arrive! I'm not counting my chickens as I had a miscarriage recently) will be "easier" to manage too! DS is fiercely independent and very intelligent, friendly and intense - that's what other people have said! He's a lovely child but been high maintenance from the word go and I'm exhausted as he seems to be lovely to everyone but I get the brunt of his tantrums etc. And of course the needing me physically to sleep.

Last night, I left DS and DH to sleep together while I had a sleep in the spare room and it was wonderful. He snuggled up close to his dad and I had peace. I hope we will all continue to get better and better sleep.

Yes I do know how fortunate I am to afford to be able to stay home. Having said that, I left a £100k pa job which I hated but I do sometimes miss the lifestyle that comes with disposable income. I saw pictures of ex colleagues dressed to the nines for the Ascot races and just wondered if I still knew how to dress nicely like that and if I would look half as good, lol.

DS starts nursery for a couple of days a week in October so I hope it will help broaden his world and if no 2 does arrive, will help me too...

OP posts:
Lbjmum2014 · 21/06/2017 08:15


I'm glad you found the actual thing better than the anticipation! Thanks for the reassurance!

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Lbjmum2014 · 21/06/2017 08:23


I know what you mean about liking your own time. I do, and largely enjoy my own company. DS has lots of play dates but I suppose what I'm looking for is quality friends for myself, where we can talk about children or not at all and have common interests outside of the kids. People who genuinely like one another's company and not just wanting a playmate for their children, if you see what I mean.

I find large group gatherings very tedious due to my introverted nature. I am lucky to have a couple of good girlfriends but they are abroad and we don't see each other apart from once a year or so.

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Lbjmum2014 · 21/06/2017 08:26

And thanks for listening to me moan! All these pregnancy hormones, sickness, low blood pressure etc is definitely not helping with the mood but I feel less alone.

God it's been so long since I aired my chest like this!

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mylaptopismylapdog · 21/06/2017 08:53

Co sleeping and this weather are probably not helping you. I would take him to swimming classes if you fancy it, as I think the exercise in water might help to tire him out and in this weather calm him, may be you could all go. I would watch which children your son plays with and try to establish a friendship with the parent as play dates would benefit you both and these have turned into friendships for me too in the past. Whether you socialize or not talk to your partner and ensure that you get some time on your own occasionally.

prettywhiteguitar · 21/06/2017 10:38

Ha ! Yes a day of doing your own thing !

I'm glad you got him to sleep with his dad, if you do that every other night your sleep will add up and you might start feeling better. When I was pregnant I'd fall asleep once dh got in about 6ish and have an hour then ! I just couldn't help it I was exhausted 😩

Lbjmum2014 · 21/06/2017 14:15


Good point re swimming. I used to take him for swimming classes but gave up because of cost and him regularly missing class in the winter due to colds etc. I am looking to restart these classes in my local pool.

I've left the bedroom for now to allow father and son more space and reduce the warmth in the bedroom - we have a king sized bed.

Oh to have a day to myself on a regular basis!!! My DH works very long hours and usually isn't home till 8 ish pm or later. He has zero social life. I used to work in the same industry so I understand. I feel bad asking for "me time" sometimes cos he does so little for his own enjoyment. Yesterday he was working from home and I asked for an hour to go to Sainsbury's alone in peace!

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Raver84 · 25/06/2017 21:36


I haven't read all the replies, sorry if I'm repeating what others have said...

I've been a sahm for 6 years. I left a good pa job and at first I missed it. I don't anymore. I have worked a bit over the last 6 year and 4 children later mainly in freelance work here and there. The way I see it there will be loads of time for working later once my youngest starts school.

Going from one to two was quite a hard thought but in reality was a doddle. I think you may find the sleep cracks itself in that you simply will not have time to sit with ds night after night when you are getting a baby ready for bed. Often I'd say to my 2 year old after her story that I would come back and say goodnight again once id settled the baby. I'd leave her with a few book and more often than not she dozed off while waiting for me to come back. Don't forget he will be nearer 3 then and perhaps a bit less scared of being left by himself at night make a big deal of him being a big boy now , do a sticker chart or similar. All my kids come into my bed still from time to time, mainly when they are poorly and though I love a cuddle it makes for a terrible nights sleep!

Re making friends you sound just like me. I missed having friends and didn't live near any of my childhood friends from school. I tried so hard to make friends after ďd1 but never clicked with anyone really... the odd one here and there at baby groups but no one special. Only when they started pre school and school did I make one or two good friends but that's because we had common ground to start with ie same school, attend the events etc. There are loads I'm not friends with and il never be popular but it's less important to me now as I'm so busy and I love doing things with the kids on my own on my own agenda, not meeting at soemone else's time etc!!

Is you ds going to start pre school soon when he's three? This will give you some time back and it might be tiring for him. Get him on the waiting list at a local pre school it will give you a break and will be fun for him.

Re cooking your interesting meals don't let having a child stop you! He can come to shops to pick the ingredients and either occupy himself whilst you cook or help you in some way? It's ok to do things you enjoy still you don't have to occupy him all the time. Cooking is an essential part of the day don't rush it and eat thjngs you don't enjoy, make time to cook and enjoy it.

Best of luck

Lbjmum2014 · 27/06/2017 18:52


Thanks for your reply and sharing. It has encouraged me that I'm not alone in how I am feeling.

I particularly identify with your statement that you are not friends with loads of mums and will never be popular but it doesn't matter as you are busy doing things you enjoy with your children on your terms! That rings very true for me. I find it very freeing just to do things with my boy and not always have to match nap times, meal times and preferences with others.

Regarding cooking, I admit I'm afraid of too much mess in the kitchen and also my DS wants to smear and tip everything on the floor instead of "helping" if you see what I mean?

At the moment, I sometimes give him a bit of potatoes or frozen peas etc in a bowl to play with, a plastic knife to cut with. I think I just need to get over myself needing to clean up mess... it's also the morning sickness talking - I've lost all joy in eating and preparing food at the moment!

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