I feel like I've ruined my life

[20LS08OJL]

Hi there. My first ever post. I'll jump right into it....I feel like I've ruined my life by having a child, admitting this to the world is just heartbreaking as despite hating being a mum, my boy (4years) means the world to me. I have been a single mum for 3 years since the relationship with his abusive father came to an end! I have struggled with suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety from the age 11 when my parents separated! I always thought I wanted a child and that the child would give my life some meaning, give me someone to love and care for forever. My pregnancy was just perfect and I loved every minute, But since his birth I have regretted my decision to have a child nearly every day! I have never been able to admit this, even to my doctor. I am on constant anti depressants and counselling but this doesn't even come close to controlling my mood swings or how much I hate being a mum. Am I alone? Does this make me a bad parent? My current bf of 2 years wants children in the future, but I don't. How do I break that news to him? The bond his has with my boy is lush. They are two peas in a pod but I don't know if we will both lose him if I tell him I don't want anymore :( someone please tell me I'm not a shit mother or girlfriend 😭

Thanks for reading.
One stressed out mummy!

Reading this made me feel really sad, it sounds like you are having a horrible time at the moment :(

No it doesn't make you a bad person, mother or girlfriend, you are just having a really really rough time at the moment.

Feeling depressed/anxious can have a huge impact on your life, for which I can completely sympathise, however the only advice I can give would be to stick with it in terms of counselling and therapy.

For completely different reasons I was in therapy for a good 5 years solid to deal with some past trauma, and things will get better.

Do you have much support by way of friends with children or family?

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low, iv been there and it's horrible.

Which area do you live in? In Surrey and London there is a brilliant Pnd support group run by a trained counsellor, Liz Wise.
I attended and it was so helpful to hear other Mums going through the same things, thinking the same thoughts.
It's bloody hard work being a Mum, don't feel bad or that you are shit Mum.