Need support- going crazy

[Vstressedmum]

Hi
I'm a 20 year old SAHM with a 3 month old and I feel like I'm literally going to go mad. This is going to be a loong rant so be warned.
I currently live in a hostel with my dh and lo due to problems with that property. It's just basically one room with two beds. No kitchen facilities and the bathroom is on a different floor. There's no space for anything let alone toys for lo so it's been hard to keep him occupied. He's an EXTREMELY fussy baby who hates to be put down even for 5 minutes. He also refuses to be put in a sling so I spend all day just carrying him for my own sanity. My back, feet and arms all ache. He takes ages to settle for naps and then just wakes 30- 40 minutes later. I can sometimes resettle him but it takes agess, so much rocking and walking around the room. I'm frickin exhausted! I wish I could nap with him but the times he's asleep is the only time I get to express milk and get his bottles ready. By the time I'm done pumping, he's awake again so I don't get a break.
Dh is away all day. He leaves at 8 in the morning and comes back around 8ish. Then he stays for about 15 minutes so I can use the bathroom (I can't use it all day as I can't leave lol in room alone nor can I take him with me as the cubicles are too small) then he leaves again because of other family commitments. He'll return at about 11pm/12am when I'm already asleep. When he's here he does help out but he's barely here. He's also quite busy on the weekends so I really feel like a single mum (props to you single mums!). He thinks it's easy staying at home all day. He thinks all I do is "sleep all day" because when he comes home I'm sleeping. He doesn't see the hard work leading up to it. I feel like screaming at him sometimes but I don't. We barely talk and he doesn't even attempt to touch me anymore although he used to a lot which makes me feel so unattractive. Also during pregnancy I caught him talking to other girls. He apologised but it was half hearted. I'm only really with him because I've got nowhere else to go.
I've lost around 6kg from my pre pregnancy weight and dh always reminds me I look too skinny now. It's not that I don't want to eat. I just don't have time with lo. I snack throughout the day and drink a ton but it's not enough. Everyone keeps commenting that I look so "dead" and "lifeless" which makes me feel even worse. My hair is falling out and I've started getting a lot of grey hair probably from all the stress.
I get so angry when lo cries for no reason I can find. I start throwing things around the room (not directly at lo ofc) and shouting at him. Then I feel guilty after and cry. It's just so tough looking after him alone. Im so exhausted. He wakes up a lot at night and I have to pump every time he has a feeding so I'm constantly awake all night. I already feel like such a failure that breastfeeding didn't work out.
I used to try to take him out but he'd cry after about 15 minutes being out so it was always a race to get home before he erupted. I'm also too shy to go to mums groups as I feel like people would judge me for being so young (I look much younger than I am).
My parents live an hour and a half away so I can't go to them. All my friends are busy with normal teenage lives so they can't relate. My hv is hard to talk to. I don't see what good talking would do anyway. They'd try to convince me that I'm depressed when I'm not.
I don't regret having lo. I just can't wait for him to grow up.
I just need some human contact even if it is online. Just fellow mums who have been through it themselves.
Thanks if any of you have read this far.

Go to your parents with the baby for a break, lovely.

The throwing/anger is magnified because you can't get into a different room to "cool off" for 5

And wtf about DH buggering off each evening?! NOT ON

This sounds such a hard situation and he's making it harder with his behaviour. I would go back to your parents-are they supportive would you be able to stay with them a while?

You poor thing. I totally get that feeling of being trapped and not being able to see the light.

Here are a few tactical things I would advise you do if you were my sister:

1. Quit breastfeeding. It's hard, hard work and you have everything stacked up against you anyway. At this stage it's far more important that you be mentally healthy than that you breastfeed your child. Start on formula and don't regret it or feel guilty.

1. Get out every single day. When your boy wakes up, change him, feed him, burp him, check if he needs changing again, put him in buggy while you get dressed / hair brushed / shoes on. Let him cry while you do this. Then walk - doesn't matter where, just walk. Feed him again outdoors when he wakes up if when he needs another feed. Change him outdoors. Play with him s bit outdoors. Then walk again. Go around the shops. Walk through the park. Go to a museum. Eat something yourself. When you've had enough go home.

1. Insist that your health visitor takes you seriously re loo always crying. He may have reflux or other issues that need to be checked out. (He may just be super hungry).

1. Put yourself at certain points of the day. Let him cry if he is fed, clean, propped up at an angle in sight of you. Take the time to brush your teeth, sort your hair out, gaze out the window. Turn the radio onto a music channel and just let lo be. Give it a few tries, he may just take time to figure out that it's okay to just lie there and gurgle or enjoy the music.

Good luck. You sound like you care a lot. That's 90% of the job done right there.

Hi, thank you for the replies.
I was considering staying at my mums but I can't for a couple of reason. Firstly I stayed there was lo was 5 weeks until 8 weeks as I couldn't handle him. I felt like I was overstaying my welcome when I was there as my parents are very busy and there was no room for us. Secondly because I'm staying at this hostel, I have to sleep here every night if the council are going to rehouse us. So I'm stuck here.

BrockAuLit thanks for the suggestions. I don't breastfeed anymore but I exclusively express milk for lo. I know it is contributing to the problem but I'd feel like I gave in if I switch to formula as my and dad family have been pressuring me to formula feed.
With regards to going out with lo, I will try again tomorrow. I just find myself on edge every time we're out. I watch him the entire time and if there's any sign of him about to cry, I head back so I really don't find it relaxing.
If I lived in a flat I would definitely have left him for 5 minutes to cry for a bit but since I'm only in the one room, I have nowhere to go so I just have to listen to him cry.
I don't think he has any medical issues. He became such a content and easy baby around 12 weeks. I had 2 weeks of routine and bliss. But now he's 15 weeks he's completely changed and I don't know how to soothe him.

Would your parents be willing to let you stay at there's long term?

There's no room at theirs for me and a baby. They also live in another city whereas I study in this city (just on a years maternity leave atm) so it'd be too hard to live there long term.

I can honestly say that giving in will be far easier to live with than you think. All the emotions you are feeling are heightened because you are tired and physically drained. With hindsight, the pleasure you will feel from not having given in will be outweighed by unpleasant memories of this time in your life. I may be projecting, though, these are just my opinions.

As for watching him and anticipating or dreading any cry: babies cry. And nobody thinks they cry as loudly as the mother hears them cry. Nobody will care as much as you think they do. Also, what choice do you have? Will you really stay in your room until the magical day comes when he doesn't cry? He's a baby. He needs fresh air, freedom, to be out, and to have a mum who has those things too. Don't worry about other people when you have a three month old. The time for that is when is three years old - don't rush into it!!

It's good that you know there are no underlying health issues, that is a huge comfort in knowing that if he is fed and changed, he's just doing what babies do. Take him out in the buggy, he will cry for a few minutes and then calm down. Maybe even fall asleep. Try it - you may be surprised.

Please try to get out to baby groups etc. it will be good to talk to interact with ppl, some childrens centres have groups for young parents. Tell your dp to get a grip and stop being an inconsiderate arse.
And sorry for saying this but if you throw things around out and shout of frustration then please ask for help, from a gp or hv ( i know you say she is hard to talk to but still).

What you are doing is hard. Your living situation, being so far from your family, your dp being largely absent, exclusively expressing and well, having a 15 week old. I challenge anyone not to be at the end of their rope. I second the childrens centre. Ours has a young parents group, a baby group and various baby massage etc. The reason i know about the young parents group (I'm an older mum) is that a friend i met at the baby group and baby massage goes to it. You might be surprised at how much of a leveler having a small baby is. My friend was 20 when we met and everyone else was in their thirties. it didn't matter a jot to any of us because we were all going through the same thing.

How are you doing op?

Brock I understand all babies cry but I just hate people staring in public when he does cry. It's just something I have to get over I guess. I'll definitely keep trying though.

Nolim I'll try to attend baby groups if I pluck up the courage lol. I'm still not sure about speaking to hv or gp but if it gets any worse I might have to. Maybe they can refer me to some kind of support.

NickyEds Thanks for the message. It was very encouraging. I'm OK at the moment since it's the weekend and dh is at home. He took care of lo while I had a long lie in & he's been taking him out so I can have time to myself which has been really helpful. I'm just worried about the week to come as lo has been getting fussy again and I dread looking after him alone. I'm going to try taking him outside if it gets too difficult. Also I'm planning to go to a breastfeeding group next week (if I don't chicken out!) so maybe it'll help to be around other mums.

Definitely try and get out, even if it's just for a little walk. i promise you hear your baby crying 100 times louder than anyone else! I've found the support of other mums just so valuable. I didn't really know many people in our area before I had ds and none with little children so the local childrens centre has been great- just to have some one to sit in the park with for an hour breaks the day up.