What should I be doing on mat leave?

[DorsetPlantation]

My DS is 5 months old. We moved to rural Dorset 7 months ago for my Partners job. We are fortunate to live on a farm in a house which is part of his remuneration package, we have a few lovely neighbours who we get on well with and often offer to help with our baby, dogs etc.

DP’s job is seasonal and he will be working 60+ hours a week until March. I just don’t know what to do all day and week. I love spending time with my baby but my life is completely different to how I used to live. Pre-baby I helped DP full time in his previous job. I have a few quality friends nearby, including one with a baby the same age, but I don’t really know the area well. Our families are 1hr+ drive away and all work.

My partner is starting to get frustrated with me ‘not doing anything’ most days, he says he’s repeatedly sighs when he gets home to find I haven’t gone out or done much. I see where he’s coming from and I agree. His argument is that I have the chance to do anything I want during this time, and he worries I’ll get stuck in a rut and my mental health suffering as a result.

I go swimming with DS once a week and try and meet up with a friend another day or go for a big dog walk somewhere, but aside from the odd trip to the supermarket or post office that’s about it. We live 15/20 minutes from any town. I dread packing up the baby into the car more than once a day. Baby groups are probably the obvious thing but they don’t really appeal to me and I’m pretty shy, I barely make small talk with the other parents at swimming, although I know I should. I’d prefer to do something productive or have a bit of a ‘side hustle’.

I guess what I’m asking is what’s everyone doing with their days if they don’t work???

I was also feeling pretty uninspired, until I got "the artist's way" book on amazon and started working through the exercises - the "morning pages" are awesome and after doing that for a few days I started rediscovering my interests and eventually signing up for an online masters starting in January! Highly recommend the book!

Haven't done much?

I'd scream that right back at him.
You care for your child, fgs.
That, plus running the household. 🤦‍♀️
Tell him there's a short pier he can take a long walk off of the next time he even thinks that.

(F/T SAHM of 2 here, btw).

Maternity leave is for keeping your baby alive which is hard bloody work. I have an easy baby and still barely have time to pee. Getting frustrated with you because you haven't done much? Fuck him tbfh.

It’s mat leave to care for a young baby, not a spa retreat. He’s being unreasonable in his expectations. I bet he’d not be packing the baby up and going for multiple or long outings on his own - does he ever do this when he has a day off? I’m guessing not,

Thank you for your help and positive response 😊 Unlike some of the others 🙄

I did not post this for the purpose of partner bashing!! We run our house efficiently together and I DO have some free time during the day after the basic cleaning and baby care. I am looking for some ideas of things to do or places to go that fit around my baby.

Everyone is different, I really needed to get out each day, but it was for me more than the baby, at this age they really are fine everywhere, so if you don’t fancy baby groups or going out that’s fine. If you want to get out for you, maybe look into what you like doing pre baby and see if there is a baby friendly way of doing it eg baby gym classes, baby movie screenings etc. by me there are even baby sewing classes, mum friendly choirs etc. best of luck!

But you do realize you are not required, nor meant, to account for every waking and free moment? You don't need to do some major achievement and plan every day. You did say your dear partner sighs over what you haven't done. If you aren't second guessing yourself then why post all the info you provided. You're not on a year off for professional development. That's what we're pointing out. Your partner is out of line to say, or imply, you aren't doing enough.

First and last time posting on here if that’s the type of responses I’ll get. I know that I spend too much time doom scrolling or watching the clock, or dragging out menial tasks to make the day pass, and I wish I didn’t. I didn’t need an in-depth analysis of my relationship. I know I don’t need to do anything exceptional, it wasn’t meant to be that deep jeez

People aren't being mean to you, I'm not sure why you're getting so angry. You asked what you should be doing/what others do. The answers: what you are currently doing.

Baby groups are pretty miserable if you aren't an extravert. At 5 months, your baby is about to get more mobile and life will become trickier if you want to take up a hobby like art. Why don't you look for dog walking groups, take it in turns with your friends to host a coffee morning/arrange to go out with them on a regular basis (get a National Trust/English Heritage membership, which ever is cheaper, and get them out with you for a decent walk and chat). Utilise what you currently have, and make it more routine.

I have to get out every day. We do swimming and a baby music group and my LO loves both. I am an introvert and don't really talk but I get enjoyment from my baby having a great time.
You might have time for a hobby or something when they are napping? My lo contact naps so I would find that hard.
Once they are weaning you might find that you don't have as much "spare" time. Time spent preparing, cooking and feeding meals and then the almighty clean up at the end 🤪
How about photography? That's quite a mindful hobby you might be able to do whilst out walking with the pram etc?
Batch cook to fill your freezer for when they're weaning?

I felt the same on maternity leave. Baby groups weren't my thing either. I bought an ordinance survey map of the area (so much better than Google), and a sling, and ds & I went exploring. We hiked the Ridgeway that summer, Avebury, the Savernake, Caen Locks. DS got used to having his nappy changed on the edge of a cornfield. Not so tempting in winter, I realise, but there is still lots to see.

It's your chance to get to know the area at your leisure.

Or you could do autumn things like making sloe gin and noisette. Make mincemeat ready for Christmas, and Christmas pudding. At the moment I'm making stacks of apple pies for the local youth club, with windfalls.

Get an exercise bike or running machine for when baby naps.

Redecorate or smarten up your new home by making curtains and cushion covers.

Enjoy the chance to do things at your pace for once.😊

I have a 4 month old and I will only buy a day or twos worth of food at a time to give me a reason to get out and walk to the shop.
Once you've kind of got into the swing of things, I deffo feel the same, my homely bits and bobs are done but now what do I do with the time.
Don't have any groundbreaking suggestions for you sadly other than a nice park walk and mooch about Tesco.
I am looking at going to a baby cinema screening at a cinema near me, where the babies can do baby things and I can watch something in fight or flight mode to mix things up.
Best of luck, I will continue to read for suggestions 😂

So your partner is annoyed that you've moved to the arse end of Dorset (because of him), and you haven't been out socialising, with a small baby??

Say what??

"My partner is starting to get frustrated with me ‘not doing anything’ most days, he says he’s repeatedly sighs when he gets home to find I haven’t gone out or done much. I see where he’s coming from and I agree. His argument is that I have the chance to do anything I want during this time, and he worries I’ll get stuck in a rut and my mental health suffering as a result."

@DorsetPlantation

That's the part I'm referring to. Your time from work with the baby seems to be invalidated by your partner. Your "job" looking after your child shouldn't make you feel like you're sloughing off elsewhere. If you're bored and want a hobby, by all means. But, that paragraph says a lot to many of us reading.

I have a 5 month old too and I do 2 or 3 structured activities (swimming lessons and then one or two baby classes) and 1x meet with friends each week. All involve getting to the local town in the car as I live in a village. The baby groups are much better for meeting other mums than swimming. I am quite socially anxious around new people but I've always found someone happy to strike up conversation with me at baby groups and this has led to many friendships over the years (this is my 3rd DC). I do find the baby groups really beneficial for breaking up the day and of course for baby's benefit too.

Sorry you're getting a hard time here op. My understanding is that you're feeling a little flat and are usually someone with lots of projects on the go, your partner is worried that you're not feeling right and thinks maybe doing projects/ going out would help. And it seems you agree with that assessment, knowing yourself, and want ideas.

Some good ideas above about cooking and walking. If you have a garden, maybe get a play pen or something similar for baby so you can potter outside. I love to read and, using a kindle, read a lot when naptrapped. Baby classes I did enjoy included baby sign and a mum + baby gym class. I did find leaving the house every day vital for my wellbeing.

I'd say you're already showing signs that everything's not OK with your responses to perfectly reasonable posts. You don't need to have done anything all day apart from keeping the baby alive. If you want to, that's different, but don't change things because of your partners comments. Change because you want to.

Baby groups are really good. They'll be a way to make new friends in an area. Go for the cheap church type ones if you can. Libraries often have activities for free too.

‘Watching the clock’ ‘dragging out menial tasks’. Yep this was me too over 20 years ago. Bored stupid. I went back to work pt at four and five months and felt 100% better. Mooching about Tesco day after day and making mincemeat wouldn’t be for me. But we are all different.