Advice on feeling lonely at 50

[Hatemymiddlename]

Hi, sorry for long post but need advice.
I moved from the suburbs 16 years ago to a rural village. I have 3 DC's and they are all at secondary school. I was always a very cheerful person, would help out anyone who needed a hand and generally my glass was always half full. We moved due to my DH work and I knew even with moving away I would always stay in touch with friends and family. My family especially my DM didn't take it very well with us moving as she loved to spend time with the DC's. I always made sure I would visit regularly which I have.

The thing is over the years I have become so lonely and isolated. I never let on to anyone how unhappy I am living here. I have a lovely, happy home and try so hard not to let how i feel upset our home life. My DD was bullied at primary school when we first moved here and I moved her to another small village school as it was getting physical. She thrived at the new school and her confidence grow. I on the other hand had to put up with the gossip and it got out of hand with some of the mothers. They never knew me or my DD but because the bully was a child of their friend the talk turn nasty. It was just so cruel. Gossip out here can spread. Everyone seems to know one another so for me I started to get anxiety from it all. I know I since have found it hard to trust anyone. It has never affected my DC's. They have friends but for me I find I am not the person I used to be. I have made friends through my DC's but I do find in a group setting I am left out alot of the time. Not included in meals or nights out. I never say anything but my confidence is very low and I feel down about it when i am on my own. I feel silly at my age so try and shrug it off. I have always been helpful with childcare, try to be cheerful when we do catch up. Normally dog walking but I am finding I am caving a genuine friendship. They tend to occasionally bitch about one another so in a way I should be thankful I am not that involved. They can be sneaky about things which I hate. I am actually missing my old life and my old neighbourhood after all these years. I suppose I am looking back with Rose tinted glasses. I moved from a friendly London Suburb to a affluent tiny village and I realise I hate it. People are just so different. I won't move now until the DC's are grown up. They are happy. My DH is happy but I have started to resent him as nothing as ever affected him. I think he is a happy soul and if I left he generally wouldn't care. That is how I feel.
I went back to work when my youngest started school as I worked in between the school hours. I am a carer and it worked out well but recently since May of this year I am now my MIL carer. She has all sorts of problems and dementia plus lives with us. I gave up my job to do this. I am happy to look after her as she is a lovely woman but lately I feel I cannot do anything spontaneous and feel taken for granted. My FIL died many years ago so when we relocated she moved with us. My SIL and BIL do nothing at all to help. They live in Scotland so aren't close so it is all on us. Not even a phone call. I sometimes feel I should just run away but then this would effect the DC's and deep down I don't want to.
We haven't any family to help. I have family but they don't bother really and my DM can sometimes cause problems as she gets resentful with my MIL.
Not really sure what I want from this post. Just good I can vent it. I don't want any nastiness. Just a tired, 50 year old who needs a bit of TLC.
I know things will get better with how I am feeling, just need to get the old me back. I am also going through the memopause so I am sure HRT will help.
Thanks for anyone who got this far reading my post and sorry if I am rambling. X

I couldn't read and run. Village life can be incredibly lonely. Where would you move to if you could? Your happiness is important too. It sounds incredibly hard being carer to your MIL too.

Thanks DorritLittle, I always thought I would stay in London before we moved out to the country. I was born and bred and had friends/family around me but things have changed since we moved away.
I would love to live by the coast. Won't happen for a while. My DC's are very happy so there happiness comes first. One day it will happen. Just need to get my mojo back.

I live in a village having lived in several large cities, not London and sympathise as I felt horribly lonely for years. Making a few friends locally helped but I have avoided school mums for this bar a few as, my kids' school is in a larger village nearby where everyone seemd to know each other and I never seemes.to be invited out as my village may as well be the moon 😀Could you join a group, exercise class? What are your interests?

Just a tired, 50 year old who needs a bit of TLC.

and in any real sense - an anonymous chat forum is not going to do that.

OP - your life by any measure sounds lonely and devoid of any kind of “fun”, at all. I think for a start - you need to share the carer role with a carer for your mil

With a paid carer

One day it will happen.

but I won’t just happen unless something changes

I anticipate that you won’t do this - but you have no obligation to look after your MIL and thst is going to make your life a million times worse as she gets older and more infirm.

say you won’t do it. Your husband needs to make alternative care arrangements.

then start working out what you want to do for the rest of your days and start making preparations for when your children are left home and you can divorce your husband and have a delightful rest of your life.

you are making the choice to stay in these circumstances. You can choose to leave them.

You need to have a proper chat - I moved from a tiny isolated village in an area of the country with everyone related to everyone else and everyone gossiping back to the town I grew up in and I love it. Yes houses are twice as expensive but I love it - always something on and theatre and drama clubs etc

It sounds very much as if you’re being taken for granted and no one is actually prioritising your happiness.

How on earth did you become carer to your MIL? No matter how lovely - she is your husband’s responsibility. If he was not willing to give up his own job to care for her then you should only be doing as much as you are entirely happy with - it should not have involved such immense sacrifice on your part.

It’s a complex situation - but you clearly need a break. How much money do you have access to and could you just arrange to go away for even two or three nights? Let your family see how they manage without you.

And you need a serious talk with your husband. Don’t turn into a doormat - it never ever makes people care more about you.

Hi . I think you have a lot on. Perhaps giving up.work might have affected you more than you had anticipated? The social interaction has now gone fir yiu and perhaps also the setting to make friends? Is there any way could do sime paid work to get out of the house? U might make friends thst way? Yiur husband can pay for carers when you are not available. If this is not an option then perhaps you can have designated time off where your husband gets in alternative care? This would be yiur opportunity to honour,join something etc. Not unreasonable as I'm.sure your husband is not working 7 days a week. Good luck.

Thanks DorritLittle. Same with where I live. I have interests and go to the gym 3 evenings a week when my DH is home. He is very hands on with his DM. Love my classes but cant shake off this feeling of being lonely. Not sure if it is because family life has changed, stopped working or memopause.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply back. I have taken all your comments on board. Yes, I know I get taken for granted. This has always been an issue with me but I have said no to local friends who seem to need childcare. I realise I was definitely being used and I started to feel pis&ed of with being asked all the time. I will start to say no in other parts of my life.
Needing TLC isn't going to help posting on here but it helps me to vent. This is my first post on this forum.

My DH is a kind man and he is hands on with his DM when around at home. I am angry with his DS and DB as they should take the load off us even to come down and help when we go away. They won't, two bloody busy, no DC's, amazing jobs. Just selfish. We arent asking for the world, just one weekend out of a year to to hrlp with their DM. They are in their late fifties. Hadn't seen their DM for two years but managed to both come down from Scotland with a van to load it up with the furniture they wanted from us clearing out DM home. No help with clearing the house. DH did most of it on his own. I helped out but it was mostly on DH shoulders. It is rented and in the same village.

We have spoken and I have said once the DC's are older I want to move out of this village and somewhere with more life to it. I think where we live makes me lonely if I am honest but this is something I will changed.

My MIL moved with us and it has been a slow process with her health. It just happened to fall onto me. I decided to give up work to look after her but I think we need a happy medium so I can still work a couple of days and pay someone else to come in to help. My DH has an amazing job and will retire soon so he will be around to help more. He is 10 years older than me and worked in his skilled job for 40 years.

I think for me it is because I haven't really anyone close to me living locally I fully trust. I have friends but they can be flakey. I have friends I trust who I have known for a very long time back in my home town and I miss them. They are down to earth, fun and caring but when we do catch up I'm not going to off load on how miserable I feel as they would worry. I will definitely arrange a two or three night break away and let my DH stay at home with his DM. I think this is what I need.

Thanks again for all your comments. Appreciate you all taking the time to give me advice.

@Hatemymiddlename I sort of feel the same, not loneliness but sort of depressed and for me it's the opposite to you! I live in a city. I can walk into the centre easily or pop on a bus. There are theatres and cinemas and lots of decent shops. But I want to give it all up to live in the middle of no where. I suppose, the gist of my post is that perhaps we always crave something we don't have and when we are in tricky situations and feeling overwhelmed with life- as you are- you have so many dependents and responsibilities - we want to escape and imagine something different.

Have you thought about joining a carers group? I have a DM with Alzheimer's and got in touch with my local Admiral Service. They've been a help. Also as you mention, if you can get some respite and get away for a day, a night or a weekend, you might start to feel like your old self again even if it takes time. You can always tell a little of how you're feeling to your friends, without it being a full on wallow and they might be able to offer some advice. I've experienced just of late, that opening up gives them the opportunity to share their troubles too. Nobody's life is perfect. A trouble shared is a trouble halved as they say. Just a thought. Sending a hug

I think you should get a part time job and use a paid carer for Mil during that time. It will give you more social connections, and a boost for your self esteem.
If not a job then perhaps a course or training?

Sounds really tough OP. Is this a Zombie thread? I wonder how you're getting on now.

Have you considered University of the third age ( U3A)?
If you are part time working / retired it may provide you with different groups to attend - going to the gym is great but tends to be a solitary occupation

We moved to rural Scotland last year and didn't know many people
U3A introduced us to many people ( many older and wiser than us) - don't rely on the mums at the school gate for friendship ( this is also true in small towns) - but do give them a big smile and a wave ( it will confuse them and stop things getting into a vicious circle- 'there's that stuck up outsider')

Wish you all the best - get some help, get some HRT, get out and meet new people