Weekend commuting for better quality of life

[66piglets]

Does anyone live apart from their OH midweek - whilst remaining a couple ? I'm thinking this may be the best option for us. OH has a great job that he adores but it's all encompassing through the week and exhausting, not leaving him much ' brainspace' for anything else. We live around 45 minutes from his job but dont feel like the area is home. Where we live is very overcrowded and getting worse as it's only an hour from London by train. We all love the Westcountry ( I'm a Westcountry girl born and bred) including OH , and would prefer to buy there and settle. It would mean much better quality of life in so many ways but also living apart monday to friday. OH would have to commute about 1 hr 30 mins to spend weekends with us. He is genuinely happy to do this but I worry I'm basically pushing him into the existence of a divorced Dad, unnecessarily, only seeing the kids and I at weekends.
Do any of you have any experience of this please? Such a weird time to make decisions but we are longing to put down roots...

We did this for about 6 months due to a move and although it was fine for me and the kids, DH found it very lonely in the week, exhausting to do the commute to and from London (it was also expensive and boring). Also doing the London to West Country commute was logistically difficult with trains or buses and traffic heavy in a car.

It wasn't much different for me at all as he worked/works so late anyway apart from when the kids were ill and I could have done with help through the nights. If I'm to be completely honest, it was easier for me because I wasn't dealing with the extra work another person can cause in a house. There was some friction when we were all back together under one roof and that work/nagging came back. 'Oh, the yoghurt pot lid is going to put itself in the recycling is it?'.

Also, running two houses was horrendously expensive even for a short time. We visited him occasionally instead of him coming to us and every time the traffic was horrendous on a Friday evening.

Bumping for you.

I have had a relationship where my oh lived in aparthotels week days. It's hard as that person effectively has a second life, with all that entails and all of the inevitable possibilities and consequences.
They often eat poorly. It can feel like they've checked out of family life. They then never attend any activities week time such as parents evening. A real lack of presence.
They're never just there. Weekends become exhausted from the "travel" and about laundry. The pull between family v couple v individual time becomes more pronounced.

I do this (or at least I did for the 10 years pre lockdown, and assume I will do so again once the world returns to normality).

Our family home is on the England Wales border, four hours from work in London. I have other colleagues who do similar.

I think there are a few considerations that make it tenable (or not):

1. I feel the commuter needs their own space near work that feels like home in the week. I'm in the fortunate position of owning my London flat, but I have colleagues who are weekday tenants/lodgers as well. Either way having somewhere that is 'home' in the week and where you can store clothes and belongings makes a big difference. When I first started this I did a spell in serviced apartments by the week and carting all my stuff backwards and forwards was tedious and made me miserable. This does however come with costs - 2x internet, 2x Council tax, etc. - which are not inconsiderable.

2. Trust and self-reliance - this takes a really strong trusting relationship. If my DW was worrying about what I was doing when I'm away or I was worrying about her at home this wouldn't work. Both parties also need to be pretty self-reliant - while you can chat on the phone every evening, it's not the same as being together in the week.

3. Flexible employer - I have the flexibility in my job that I can get in late on a Monday and leave early on a Friday (working on the train in and out) meaning I get a full weekend at home. Post lockdown, I will also feel more confident in working from home more frequently. Either way, having a full weekend at home is important - on the rare occasions I have to go down on Sunday evening it feels like I have been short-changed.

An hour and a half is a lot easier distance than four hours. If it can be done by train, so much the better as it is much less stress that way and can be used as work time or just decompression time.