Want to retire/semi retire but partner younger and expects me to continue spending as we do now

[Acecarad]

Hello! Firstly apologies for the long post.

I'm in a very stressful job in the NHS. I'm age 59 and really burnt out. I also have autoimmune underactive thyroid. I want to return home to Ireland - only in UK 3 years - adult children in Ireland. Family home in Ireland. Once child still in college due to finish in 2026. I don't live with partner but he lives in Ireland. I travel home every second weekend. However, my partner is 51 - eight years younger than me. He is a nice guy, and has been quite patient with my commitments elsewhere, mostly financial in terms of having to put two children through college - have to pay fees in Ireland as no student loan. We are together five years.

However, my partner has never had children, has no commitments, earns a little more than me as a tradesperson, no mortgage, no debts, lots of savings and just recently received a 50k inheritance. He has a minor disability and gets partial State welfare support for this of 150 per week, plus free units of electricity, plus fuel allowance, plus free travel on buses in Ireland when he comes to Dublin to visit me when I'm home - all the extras which I have to fully pay for as well as helping my son with college costs. However, when I say that I am desperate to semi retire to get a part-time job in our local shop for minimum wage three days per week - no mortgage, no debts - and that I will have very little money to go out for meals, he gets quite annoyed. Currently, if we meet up for the weekend, it costs me roughly about 100 to 120 for my share of meals and coffees. If I go on to minimum wage and part-time, this will be a huge amount out of my wage. I prefer to cook at home to save and just go out for coffee and cake, but he wants to go out for full meals. He also wants to go on a holiday every year, with me paying the flights and him the hotel. That's ok but then he wants to eat out all the time and the shared costs of meals out will on holidays will be expensive - he doesn't see the point of going on holidays and self-catering. I also don't want my partner to be paying for me - though he hasn't offered.
When we are out and if I pay less on a meal than he has paid the previous day, he will notice it. I tease him about this and say I can see that he is calculating in his head that I am paying less than he did for a previous meal and he admits it. When I say that when I retire in the summer I will be on a minimum wage job - that's if I can get a job, then he says I can just take the minimum wage job and the look for a better job in the type of work I do now in the NHS. Then I say again to him that I can no longer do this work as I am so burnt out that the work is making me really anxious. I also remind him that I may not get a job when I try and semi retire next summer, and that any savings I may have to tide me over for the next few years, but I keep having to say this. Ageism is quite a thing here in Ireland. I am also facing having to have three foot surgeries over the next eighteen months and thinking about how I will manage financially when I can't work.

I would really welcome some advice/comments from anyone who has been in this situation, i.e. in relationship with younger partner and retiring. I am beginning to feel resentful that he doesn't understand where I am coming from, particularly as he is so canny with money himself. I'm feeling quite stressed about it, and I am beginning to think now that the age gap is too much.

He sounds like a boyfriend you are dating, not a life partner.

You don't sound very financially compatible. I wouldn't want to spend over £100 in a weekend on eating out, but I also wouldn't want to never have money for eating out/holidays. I'm sorry you are so burnt out. Do you have sufficient pension if you retire and take a minimum wage job?

You are at different life stages. You want different things from the relationship. You have different attitudes to work, to money, to leisure. You want different lifestyles and they’re not compatible. Honestly, it sounds like the relationship has run its course.

Can u stay in your job on sick leave while you have the operations so you don’t leave/ retire until after they are all over you?

I don’t think either of you are wrong TBH, but unless one of you is prepared to compromise (you let him pay for more or he agrees to eat out a bit less) I can’t see how you reconcile this. I totally get why he doesn’t want a frugal retirement-type lifestyle for the rest of his life when he’s only 51 and I totally get why you do.

You both want very different lifestyles, you will be happy living from frugally and he wants to be out spending cash in leisure activities. I don’t think this is an age gap problem, you just want different things and even when he retires he may have enough pension / savings / benefits to carry on dining out and spending cash, retirement doesn’t equal frugal living for everyone.

I agree about the incompatibility. I'm a similar age to your DP and no way would I want to spend my 50s tightening my belt and staying home. Quite the opposite - I want to enjoy myself, eat out, go on hols, all of that. I can see that you're at a very different place and want to power down and live more frugally, which is fair enough, but the two things aren't viable together. Perhaps this was inevitable with the age gap and you've staved it off a while with the long distance situation, but it doesn't sound like it's got a future so better to recognise that and both seek someone more on the same page to share your lives with.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. They're really helpful. Yes, I think we are financially incompatible and that we are at different stages. In relation to my partner agreeing to pay more of the share for meals going out - I wouldn't want him to do that, but he would not be happy doing that either. In relation to pension savings, I don't have any pension except I will have a partial Irish State pension and almost a full UK State pension. I was a single parent so moved jobs multiple times depending on childcare needs at the time. I also still want to be able to help my children from what limited savings I have. I help keep my son's car on the road while he is in college as he needs it for college and it's very old. My daughter is just starting a masters in London which will really help her career, and I agreed to use some of my savings to pay for her rent for the year. I have commitments that my partner doesn't. I also saved up for home improvements in the last two years - our house - mine and the children's - was quite run down due to years of money committed to the children, so I did it up got solar panels, painted. inside and out, installed a downstairs toilet for when I am off after my surgeries. I also wanted to have the house updated before I retire as I knew it wouldn't be possible afterwards, but my partner just couldn't' get this as he has always had the money to spend on his house whenever he wished. In relation to his birthday recently, I offered to take him out to an expensive restaurant he always wanted to for lunch and then take him to a cocktail bar he wanted to go to in the evening, but then he didn't want this, but didn't know what else he wanted. He has a lot of garden ornaments, so in the end I bought him a bird table and several artisan feeders to decorate his garden, as well as taking him out to another nice restaurant - total just under 300.00 but he was still disappointed and didn't like the present. For my children I give them 150 cash or vouchers, which is usually what they ask for now, for birthdays and take them out to a local restaurant for breakfast or carvery. I feel sometimes it's just like having a third child. My children though don't ask me to pay for things now as they know I need to retire, but I offer to pay when I can. Thanks again for all the advice/comments.

Honestly I see it from both sides. If I was childless and comfortably off I would want to enjoy my retirement best I could , travel and eat out etc and bluntly I don’t think I’d want to fund a newish partner as well

it doesn’t really matter why you are in different financial places ( you seem to want to explain why) but you simply are. I think that you are simply not compatible now at this stage in your life and that’s ok, these things happen.

1. You and your DP are on different pages and tbh he's not 'a partner', because he doesn't support you or have any real sympathy or empathy for you. He sounds like a selfish dick, if I'm being honest, and I personally wouldn't be worrying too much about what he thinks and feels, because I don't see this relationship having legs.

2. It honestly doesn't sound as if you can afford to retire/semi-retire. A lot of people get burnt out in the NHS, but is there no way you could do an internal move to a less stressful or part-time role that would keep you on a higher salary and allow you to work until normal retirement age?

I love eating out and going for coffee but wouldn't spend 100 on this on a weekend unless I was on hol and every meal was eating out!

Neither of you are wrong although 59 is quite young to retire (or early 60s?) Maybe when you've had a break and recovered a bit you might fancy some part time work?

Because he doesn't have kids, he will NEVER understand your level of financial commitment to them and he may well niggle away at you in the 'you've GOT the money to do this travel/adventure/meals out but you are showing you aren't really committed to this relationship because you are choosing to spend it elsewhere' (ie, on your kids). He won't get it and he might well come to resent your kids for 'taking your money'.

I'm like you, I'm 64 and working part time in a shop because I just couldn't keep up with the 9-5 and everything it entailed, but I'm single and I control my own spending/earning. I think you might need to step back from this man and just see how you go with your own money totally under your own control.

If you weren’t seeing him you would save a small
fortune and energy in flights and eating out. He sounds selfish and self absorbed.

TBH it's time you stopped trying to please everyone and look after yourself. I'd let this guy go, he wants different things and equally doesn't have your financial stresses. If he was a true 'partner' he wouldn't be fussed about whose paying for what, certainly not counting the pennies, bearing in mind your different financial position. Equally it's time your children paid their own way. Time to focus on what you need to do.

I think it's important to do what you want.
The relationship will either survive or it won't. But retirement is what you need.
Where there are age gaps, retirement is often a difficult one, and often the first time the age gap is an issue.
There is no right or wrong.

Do you not have an NHS pension ? It's a good one so I hope you didn't opt out.

I agree with others - you and your man aren't compatible in the stages of life and financially. He attitude is very penny pinching and unattractive to my mind. I don't expect to be wines and dined, but evenings out & holidays should suit both parties' pockets. Also he doesn't sound very kind or supportive with his comments about you getting another job when you've made it clear that retirement is your plan. Sorry Ace but he doesn't sound a keeper.

In general terms regarding your house - you're planning some building work but have you asked yourself the question if it is a suitable place to grow old in? If you're thinking of retiring so young, maybe you should consider downsizing and reducing your outlay. You don't mention how old your other child is, but your DD must be early 20s. They will be flying the nest soon, and if they aren't they'll need to start helping with the costs of keeping a house going. Please don't fall into the trap of being emotionally attached to a pile of bricks - retirement is a big financial decision, early retirement more so, and you will have to cut your cloth accordingly

My DP retired a few years ago, after working part time for about 5 years at a lower level of seniority - would this be an option ? He found part time work very liberating and it did wonders for his burnout.

With 3 operations planned for your feet over the next 18 months, you're probably in pain and discomfort which is very tiring and possibly contributing to your burnout. Would it be possible to stay in employment in the NHS for at least one of the operations - NHS sick leave payments are very good so you wouldn't have that aspect of financial worry.

Can I suggest you make an appointment to talk to a financial adviser about your retirement finances - even with a fair wind and good health you will not be able to rely on a part time job to bring in enough top up income much past 70-75.

I was also wondering about your pension. At 59, you should be able to take at least some of your pension now with minimal reduction for early retirement, so it could well be that you could quit your job, start taking your pension and top up your income in lower stress part time work so you can still afford to live a comfortable life.

But I'd still be wary about giving in to his demands about money, eating out and lifestyle if it's not what you want or can comfortably afford. There's a lot to be said for being content with a simpler life that frees you from a job that you've come to hate and is affecting your health. Don't let him deny you that freedom.

Op says: In relation to pension savings, I don't have any pension except I will have a partial Irish State pension and almost a full UK State pension.

So no NHS pension or anything to take early. I too was wondering how viable it is to retire early in this situation, but she does say semi-retire so presume it's more about working part-time and eking out what's left of her savings as there's no pension to live on for a long time yet (not sure when Irish pension kicks in but guessing it's the best part of a decade until she'll get the UK one).

You spent £300 on a thoughtful birthday present and he was so ignorant and ill mannered that he let you know that he didn't like it !! Wow !!

He is far too interested in your money. Too mercenary. I wouldn't be happy letting him have a say. He sounds like a cock lodger in the making.

If I date someone who earns a lot more than me, I might make him a lovely meal and a cake, or organise a party at home for him, as well as a present, but no way would I be pressured into spending more than I was comfortable with. He shouldn't want you to.

Be careful OP, he doesn't sound like partner material to me.

I was going to say this.

Could you look at online remote job roles? I don't know what you do in the NHS but either admin/manager or clinical, you'll have skills that can transfer to something less stressful and you might be able to transition to returning to Ireland.

I think you need to.imagine yourself moving back to Ireland and being alone and seeing what that feels like. What might you do differently? Your partner does not sound like someone who has your best interests and wellbeing at heart. I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with him never having had kids. He sounds selfish.

Exactly.

Move to Ireland, find a part time job; you know you can’t continue like that. Look after yourself

Neither of you are wrong. Thankfully you don't live together. You need to weigh up what's most important for you and make a decision accordingly. If you do semi retire you need to be aware he may decide the relationship isn't what he wants in life and leave it. If you're OK with that risk then do it. It might be he comes round to the fact you can't spend as much or he may not.

I get why he's thinking he doesn't want a frugal life yet, that he's too young for that. He does sound quite tight and ideally he'd be a committed partner and want what's best for you especially in view of your thyroid stuff. Ultimately you only have one life, don't spend the next ten years burning out and making yourself ill just to eat out with him when that's not what you want.

He sounds awful. Who puts frippery above a partners wellbeing?

Get rid and enjoy your well earned retirement.

I'd let him go, especially after reading your update about the birthday present. Enjoy your semi retirement with friends and family.

Thanks to all of you again for the helpful advice.
That's good advice Elbows Uprising to no spend the next ten years burning out just to eat out with my partner. My dream is to come home to Ireland, get a greenhouse, grow my own fruit and vegetables - garden is just about big enough, join the local Grow Your Own Group, joint the local beach cleaning group, join the local library, maybe do a course on bee keeping redecorate all the old IKEA furniture that I now don't like - I love redecorating old furniture and then work three days per week in Tesco or maybe in a service for adults with mild to moderate autism so that I have some money to go for coffee and cake with friends. This has always been my dream.

My partner's idea is that we go out every weekend for meals, I pay Saturday, he pays Sunday, that includes breakfast, lunch, coffees on each day, and that we have a week or 10 day of holidays in Tenerife each year. I don't really want to travel again, certainly not until my feet get sorted. I'm quite happy at home. Our family home is in a lovely village beside the sea - 4 miles from the City in Ireland.

Re someone mentioned my house - I put the downstairs toilet in so I could age in the house. It's in a lovely costal area, 4 miles from Dublin. It's a great area for rental - when my son moves out in a year or two - daughter already gone - I will rent out a room to supplement my part-time work and gather some savings again until I get my Irish State pension at 66 - there will still be enough room for my children to return home.

Thanks again for all the helpful advice. Really appreciated it all!