I don't know where to post this so starting with a relatively quiet forum.
Difficult to give too many details without being outing.
I have a mental health condition thanks to childhood trauma. I haven't received the full lot of recommended treatment yet - starting treatment later in the year.
I have a DH who is older than me and retired. He has settled into retirement really well thanks to an enduring hobby of his which he does a few times a week.
On the otherhand, I have struggled. I have been a sahm for ten years now. I would have happily carried on my former work but couldn't as part-time hours were no longer on offer and aren't on offer now. When dc2 came along I stepped back partially to enable dh to travel with work etc. I loved looked after dc in their early years and don't regret this...I feel the best and most rewarding thing I've done is having dc.
I have a good standard of education and have always worked in jobs that are below my capabilities - this is down to the mental health problems and not necessarily a reflection of my true ability.
Youngest dc now started school. At first I looked at this as an opportunity to try new things but as time has worn on (a year), I haven't found my feet. I have tried joining groups, tried some volunteer work but essentially I remain bored and isolated. There is more volunteering I can try (and I'm looking into this) but I am struggling to fill the week Mon-Fri. I like being there for my dc when they come from school and really enjoy the holidays when we can have quality time together (dc are primary school age). I am also considering launching an on-line low key thing via Etsy/Ebay which is connected to an interest but can put as little or as much time into this as I want (but essentially means lone working).
I've been looking at job adverts and with my mental health issues I am very hesitant to apply but something has come up where I have some experience and it wouldn't be outrageous for me to apply. 3 days a week some working from home, some office based. Unlikely I would get the job as there will be many, many applicants and of course I have been a sahm for a long time now plus my age (50). I feel I could do three-quarters of what they are asking without too much training the last thing I might find slightly tricky due to m/h but most likely doable.
I feel sad that I am considering this in a way...that I haven't found my footing when so many other people rejoice at early retirement and wouldn't look backwards. Whilst I do have interests, they are largely insular...I miss coming into contact with others (which is a slightly bizzare given the nature of my m/h issue). I think that having been given this opportunity of not working (I have no need of the money, there is no financial incentive), I have not grown as such. I have not really found what is me nor found peace in the aloneness, nor made any new friends. This job doesn't allow for much creativity or imagination, it is going back to what I know.
I guess I'm posting to try and make sense of it all and the stagnation. On top of everything else, I fear not getting the job will erode my confidence even further (I did apply for a job about 8 years ago and became 'runner up' - then I was glad I didn't get it after all). At the same time I feel compelled to apply because of trying to change my situation. But why can't I find this through a few volunteering positions/interest groups? Can't find my footing, can't find where I belong.
Thanks for reading.