Issues in retirement

[WitsEnd8]

My husband retired a year ago and we have had a lot of major upheaval over the past few years including two house moves.

We are both totally exhausted and suffering from stress. We have two adult children living with us . One long term mental health issues and doesn't work. The other doing a part time course and largely dependent on us financially.

Since he retired, my husband has been disorientated. He doesn't really know what to do with himself and life is full of chores. Because I took on literally everything whilst he was working, he doesn't know how to do anything . We have had endless rows about sharing the workload, but nothing ever changes, mainly because he doesn't notice, doesn't know what to do etc. He says he needs to be shown but I cannot deal with a third child in the equation. Also I admit I like things done the way I do them so I am my own worst enemy.
The result is he spends a lot of time planning his own hobbies and activities, or checking the internet for sports results or playing computer games.
I organise all our trips out, holidays, things we are doing together . He will go, but he doesn't plan anything.
The rows are escalating all the time as I feel increasingly resentful. He has become depressed and withdrawn and has developed health problems. So now we have the endless conversations about his health issues.
I literally feel like I am breaking . I cannot cope. I have started to fantasise about running away or wishing I would die. I am having counselling, but it just makes me feel worse as all she talks about is the need for me to focus on myself. I don't want to focus on myself, I want a life with my husband finally, after all these years of him working ridiculous hours and always being exhausted.
One of my children told me yesterday I am causing my husband a nervous breakdown and I need to lay off him. I know this is true. However no one seems to see that I am at breaking point in all sorts of ways. Life revolves around endless chores and responsibility. I don't enjoy life and don't have any fun. He helps with the housework but I still do things like clean the toilets, mop the floors, clean bathrooms.
Life is just not enjoyable.I have asked him to step up and plan holidays/days out/ evenings out. He still prefers to spend his time on the internet surfing. He says nothing he does will meet my expectations and I am better at it anyway.
I am beginning to wonder if I should move out for 6 months as a trial separation although God knows how we could afford this. I feel he is only happy and animated when I am not there or he is doing his own thing. It makes me feel like the cleaner. Even my children think I make him miserable, so what am I doing here?

Following

I really don't want to read and run, but I'm not sure if I have much good advise.

You sound frustrated and exhausted, and angry. It's been a major upheaval for you both.

Can your adult children help out a bit more? Do you think you maybe cling to the housework / cleanliness as a form of control? (I know I do, I get really anxious when the house is a tip).

I really feel for you.

I have asked the children to take turns washing up which they are doing. Beyond this, not a lot. I did ask one of them to help me clean the house the other day , but it feels like an additional chore to organise them to do this.

I am so so tired. So many things have fallen to me to sort out and organise over the years. I am struggling to reorientate myself too, but I feel like i am drowning. I am not excessively house proud and every so often just give up and let it become like a tip, but living in a mess makes me feel even worse. Husband says 'what do we need to do today' every day and I have to direct operations. It's bloody ridiculous. I have heard of women who go and work in Waitrose just to get out of the house, and I really feel like this would be a good option, but it's not what I had hoped for or planned.
In addition, my elderly mother needs her affairs sorted out and I have taken charge of all that too.

From your post it is not clear whether you work or not?

It sounds as though there are 4 adults in your house and no-one apart from you does anything. This isn't on. Stop doing things to reinforce the point eg cooking, washing etc

You need to get your children to help out - they can help clean, washup, laundry, cook sometimes etc.

You need to teach your DH to do some stuff (although I find it hard to believe he really doesn't know how to clean a toilet or mop a floor). Perhaps enrol him on a cooking course or something too.

Then you need to draw up a rota of jobs for everyone. It sounds as though both your DCs are living virtually rent free, and being supported by you, They need to contribute to the household in other ways.

You also need to set your DH specific tasks - eg I want to go out on Thursday. I want you to organise the day. Or how about a long weekend away next month. I fancy a city break. Do some research and show me a shortlist tomorrow.

Husband says 'what do we need to do today' every day and I have to direct operations

set up a weekly/fortnightly schedule of tasks and stick on the wall. Then you can just tell them to check the list. That way you don't have to organise it every time.

I suppose it depends what needs to be done though, as it's different all the time. I did do the chart and stuck it to the wall, but no one has noticed or commented. I know I need to organise things better, but I am struggling just to get through the basics at the moment.

Have you had a health check up OP? You keep mentioning how tired you are, and I know that just the shear daily drudgery of life can be exhausting, but it might be worth checking whether you are deficient in something etc.

No, I don't work. Both children are contributing financially what they can, which isn't much. Neither of them do nearly enough though, that is true.
Husband does do some cooking and does quite a bit of housework, just not the mopping floors and cleaning toilets things. If a lightbulb needs changed, I do it. If the drains block, I do it. If we need to get someone out to fix something, I organise it. Etc.

You do also need to allow him to do it his way. We had this with cooking. In almost exactly your situation - retired husband and adult children living at home and it was always up to me to sort dinner. We now have a whiteboard and each Sunday everyone signs up for the day or days they will be in for dinner and the day or days they will cook. We have two rules: 1. you cannot cook something you know someone won’t eat and 2. you cannot criticise what is cooked for you. If you don’t like/want it you can have toast. We have a shopping list in the kitchen and everyone adds on what they need for the meals they are preparing and I do an online order once a week. If they forget then they have to sort it out - go to the shop or use what we have. This has all worked out really well for us. The responsibility as well as the activity is shared and everyone is a lot more tolerant. Might something like this help?

Can you afford a cleaner twice a week?

Retirement is such a big change and if your dh is not used to sharing the 'life admin' then you'll need to start slowly transferring some of the responsibility. Try to resist checking whether it's been done or done properly. If not, let the shit hit the fan and he'll learn for next time. Your children need to really pull their weight too; car washing, cooking, shopping etc can all be divvied out.

Go away by yourself if you feel comfortable or take yourself off to a cafe or the cinema. If you are all together and not used to it, then it sounds like you need a lot more space from each other.

There may be a case of being your own worst enemy here in terms of delegation of tasks to other family members.

You do need to invest time in training them up in the short term but in the longer term it will be worth it. You also need to let go of control about how and when the tasks are done to some degree and maybe even to what standard.

If you can't do this then you will end up with all the burden yourself which is why is currently weighing you down. Maybe work with a counsellor to develop the skills and awareness that you need as it's not something that will come easily after all this time.

@MrsWobble3
That sounds like a really good system. I will take that on board.
All the other comments are right. I know i've made a rod for my own back. I wish I could go back in time and start again really.
Maybe I'm just trying to sort out all the problems in one go instead of tackling one thing at a time. I just feel so overwhelmed.
We had a cleaner for the first few months after we moved in but I felt guilty about having one when neither of us is working. It just felt lazy and I wondered what the cleaner thought of us. I think I may need to rethink that though.

I felt bad about having a cleaner after retirement but then I decided that I didn’t work all my life to spend my retirement cleaning. The cleaner was baffled one day when I sat there and said I felt guilty to have her cleaning while I sit down. She assured me she liked her job and didn’t think anything. Win win.

The trouble with getting everyone else to step up after all this time is that they won’t want to. They will resist and you will be fighting all the way.
If you can afford a break away then you owe it to yourself to go for a while. I think it is worth discussing how you feel with your GP, you might benefit from anti-depressants or HRT or thyroid medication. Who knows? There could be a physical problem exacerbating this although whether there is or not things need to change for your survival.

Funnily enough I was supposed to be away this week, I wish I had gone!

Is your DH trying to respect "your" working space? Have you always been a SAHP then perhaps he feels he'd annoy you if he eg took charge of xyz.

You could do a brainstorm with him if all the possible jobs that could arise - cars, holidays, Xmas gifts Xmas atmosphere, house structure house decor, rodents, bins, garden, lawn, tax blah blah and agree how to allocate responsibility for each?

Sounds like an uphill battle trying to get any of them to do anything.

In your shoes, I would:-
Outsource as much as I could; cleaner, window cleaner, ironing lady, putting the car through the car wash
Get out of the house more; part-time job, volunteering, hobby, walking, etc.