Husband retiring years before me

[Scottie7]

Hi all. Be gentle, this is my first post. Put of the blue my DH announced he was resigning from his job to take early retirement. He's put nearly 38 years in (he's nearly 63) and he's been getting tired. His pension pot will pay off the mortgage and give us savings so money won't be an issue. The thing is, we've worked together for 25 years - we lecture in HE in the same department and I feel devastated. I thought I'd have a few months to get myself in the right mindset months before he left but as it stands, I have 12 weeks. Our relationship is defined by our profession. Our children are all at uni although one still lives with us full time. It all seems to be happening so fast. I have no idea how we can adapt our relationship and I'm terrified of our future. I find myself in tears and have to go and have a long shower so he doesn't see I'm upset. Talking to him is futile - as he tells me "This is not about me." Has anyone else been in this position? I feel completely blindsided by it all. Firstly I'm going to miss him so much in the office and secondly, he has no friends, no hobbies and no plans.

So he can spend a year bumbling around, and you can think of a few hobbies and activities you might enjoy, either separately or together.
What do you lecture in? What hobbies and activities could stem from that familiar territory?
I’m guessing sciences/maths.

Oh, and you could ask your children for suggestions, it’s surprising what they remember about your likes and dreams.

I suppose you will continue to work after he retires? If so, he will get bored and may start looking for a book to write, another job, etc.

If this forces you into retirement and that it is not what you want, or leaves you with most of the financial burden to support your kids through university, it is also about you.

Personally, I would be happy to keep working while he is at home. I really don’t think I could put up with anyone’s company 24/7 (or they with mine!)

My DH has retired. He's younger than me but I still work full time. I don't know how I'd fill my days if I retired. I'd probably do charity work, so I figure I might as well stay in laid work. I enjoy it anyway.

How old are you? Why are you so upset? Is it you realise he is getting older?

It’s a big life change, it’s ok for it to feel unsettling and scary at times. It must change the dynamic between you.

There’s loads of stuff online about this, for example www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11048659/Retired-husband-syndrome-why-wives-get-depressed-when-their-other-halves-stop-working.html

I know my husband will retire at least 15yrs before I do. I think I will resent him a little, even tho he’s older than me and therefore he’s entitled to retire first. I will be cross when I’ve had a busy day and he’s spent the day on the sofa watching cricket. I don’t think he will naturally take on the wifework. But I kinda see it as another change that we need to work through, a bit the other big life changes of getting married and having kids.

Will your husband 100% retire? I work in a university, it seems very few genuinely retire, most seem to do unpaid research or take short term lecturing and supervision contracts. Maybe this is his chance to develop some hobbies - I can’t imagine he’s had much chance for hobbies until now.

If you have such a great relationship that you genuinely enjoy working together all day and will miss him I would just think everything will work out fine to be honest. He will start working on some project at home, writing his novel while listening to Radio 4, and he will get a sausage dog which he will take on little walks around the neighbourhood and it will help him do the garden. You will both be happy to see each other when you get home from work and he has cooked you something from Jamie's 15 minute meals and you will then spend the evening gossiping about people at work. You will go off around Europe on your tandem bike wearing matching outfits during the long vacation in my imagination.

I don't understand why you're so upset. You carry on working. Are you worried there's nothing 'to' him apart from his job?

This seems to be a lot more about you than him. He's tired and at a point he wants to retire- how he chooses to fill (or initially not fill) his days will be up to him. Is this more because you're not comfortable having to be at work with his back up? To say your mutual job defines your marriage is slightly worrying- I assume there is more to it than that? Maybe start to branch out a bit yourself and not be so reliant on him, and you may find that you get a different focus in your career.

I feel your pain to an extent. My husband can retire in 4.5 years, although if he does he will probably go self employed and work on a more flexible basis. I pretty much have another 30 years to go. He isn’t 25 years older than me, but there is a huge gulf because of the way that investments and so on have gone. I’m not sure I can work in my current job until I’m nearly 70 - I expect to drop dead before then!

Your problem is not entirely clear to me. Is it that you'll miss him whilst you're at work? You sound a close couple but perhaps time apart will be good. You might find that you're more free to pursue a different agenda etc

I too don't understand why this bothers you so much, you'll still be working. What your husband does with his free time is up to him but he'll find something to interest him.

He's tired and it's time for him to pack up work, he' probably not enjoying it any more.

I don’t quite get this op. Is it that you don’t want to face getting old?( fair enough) You must be very close and compatible to work together, yet you don’t want him to see you are upset?
And how come you have to adapt your relationship? He might be bored and alone, but you’ll be put working so you won’t experience him being at home that much.
When he says “ This is not about me” what does he mean? If he’s retiring it’s surely about him?

But overall i think you are saying you’ve had too much change in you’re life and you’re not ready for more. That is tough.