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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Second Chance?

14 replies

AllSoundsTheSameToMe · 26/04/2022 10:30

I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months now. Everything has been great and I thought we had an open and honest relationship that was going somewhere.
I’ve just found out that he was engaged to someone up until last year. They’d previously lived together and had planned on buying a house. This person has never come up on conversation before despite us talking about our pasts.
I feel shattered. Not because he was engaged but because he lied about her existence despite my only ask in the relationship was to be honest and open with each other as I’ve had previous bad relationships where I’ve been lied to and cheated on.
I’m taking time out to think about things and where this leaves us. He wants to try again and has apologised unreservedly. His excuse for not mentioning her was he was scared it would put me off if I learned they’d been so serious. We’re both older (late 40’s), both divorced so not exactly new to this.
My question - Do people deserve a second chance or if they’ve lied once they’ll lie again?

OP posts:
AllSoundsTheSameToMe · 26/04/2022 11:55

Anyone?!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 26/04/2022 12:12

Sounds a little intense for a couple of months in.

If this news 'shattered' you then either this is all too full on or he's really fucked things up and you know it.

Perhaps he has been love bombing and thus, didn't want you to know he was just as intense with someone else up until recently.

Have their been other red flags of love bombing before now like him telling you he has never met anyone like you before? Or has never felt this way about anyone before ect...

Pinkbonbon · 26/04/2022 12:13

*have there

FetchezLaVache · 26/04/2022 12:15

I presume it was the writing this person out of the narrative that shook you, OP, rather than the fact that they'd existed. I too tend to see that as a massive red flag. Someone who is so comfortable telling lies for no apparent reason is not, in my view, a keeper. I'd trust your gut.

Catlover1970 · 26/04/2022 13:12

Did he lie or did he just not mention it?
I agree with you - I'm totally into honest relationships but I haven't told my partner about every single person I have been with as I don't think he needs to know. If he has blatantly lied rather than just not mentioning it then that is a huge red flag for me

AllSoundsTheSameToMe · 26/04/2022 13:34

@FetchezLaVache
Its not that she existed, it’s that he lied about her. He initially told me that he’d been ‘dating’ someone but then this weekend it transpires they were much more than dating. I can’t understand why he’d lie about her. We’ve both got pasts.

@Catlover1970 He lied by omission as previously he’d never mentioned her, then said they were dating now it’s all come out just how serious it was.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/04/2022 13:36

What reason has he given for lying? It's bizarre behaviour and would be a dealbreaker for me too I think.

Watchkeys · 26/04/2022 13:37

It doesn't matter whether it's right to forgive someone who lied. Don't stay with someone who's made you feel 'shattered' within a couple of months.

AllSoundsTheSameToMe · 26/04/2022 13:48

@youvegottenminuteslynn His reason was he didn’t want to put me off him if I knew he’d been in such an intense relationship recently. That wouldn’t have necessarily put me off but the lying about it is hard to swallow.

OP posts:
AlternativelyWired · 26/04/2022 13:55

Two months in should be fun and frills, not being shattered over lying by omission. I'd not be giving him a second chance as I'd be wondering what else he wasn't telling me.

MsDogLady · 26/04/2022 18:31

I’m sorry, @AllSoundsTheSameToMe. This guy clearly feels entitled to lie to and manipulate you. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me.

AllSoundsTheSameToMe · 26/04/2022 19:01

@MsDogLady I think it’s also now a deal breaker for me now I’ve had time to reflect. He and I clearly have different views on why not lying or lying by omission is important in a relationship and it just means I’ll never be able to trust him again with anything.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 26/04/2022 19:16

Yes, it’s clear that your values are incompatible.

seensome · 26/04/2022 19:31

I think liars tend to repeat lie. Maybe he makes habit of getting serious quickly and doesn't want to admit it as it hasn't worked out.

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