Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feelings for multiple people at once/ending a relationship *TW: mentions child sexual abuse*

9 replies

Whirlywiccan · 09/04/2023 09:17

I'm sorry, I couldn't think of what my actual issue is exactly, hence the thread title.

So a bit of context; I'm going to try and explain as much as possible because I think my past and circumstances are quite relevant to my current situation, apologies it will make my op quite long;

I'm early 40s, two teenage children, been in a relationship for 10 years - my partner isn't my children's father (their father was a controlling, violent man and the children haven't been in contact with their father for many years (they don't ask about him and are aware he wasn't kind to me).

My father sexually abused me as a child, up until the age of around 15. At around the same time, I had another family member (extended family) who had some sort of learning disability (never diagnosed), which when I wad 11, asked me if he could "make love to me" when I was 16 and a couple of times laid on top of me and simulated sex (sorry if tmi, I'm not sure how to explain it).
All this obviously happened behind closed doors, I did tell my mum about it all when I was about 19 and her response was "why were so many men interested in YOU?" so it wasn't really mentioned again.

Perhaps because of this, I don't know, I spent my teenage years and early adulthood not being interested in a relationship. I never had crushes, really, just felt kind of empty on that score - for men, at least; I do remember having crushes on girls and I now identify as at least bisexual, that's a kind of consistent feeling with me but I've never acted on it.

Through my teenage years and early adulthood (and I promise you, this isn't said to brag at all - it's just something I don't know whether is unusual or not), multiple men used to express an interest at the same time. For example, my first job after leaving school was working as a waitress in a small restaurant owned by my uncle's friend (which is how I got the job) and the chef (aged around 19) his best friend (aged 17), another guy I worked with (aged 18 ish) all tried to kiss me - separately from one another and at different times and the restaurant manager who was engaged at the time, used to make flirty remarks and one time caught my eye from across the empty restaurant and kind of made an hourglass shape with his hands, smiled and winked at me then walked away.

At my next job, aged 19, I ended up almost sleeping with my married 38 year old supervisor after months of flirting - we got to the point of him dropping me home after a work do and he kissed and undressed me etc, then I stopped things. At the same time, my 20 year old and 36 year old colleagues were also trying to kiss me at various points.

Next job, I had 2 people try it on, and so it continued all the way up until I met my current partner.

The reason I mention this is I don't know whether my whole life I've either been giving off 'easy' vibes unintentionally (I don't think so, as I did work with a couple of girls at one place who were excessively flirty - sitting on people's laps in the staff room, stuff like that - and they seemed to get less attention from colleagues than me, as well as comments about being too obvious, etc), whether that's just how it was back then (1999-mid 2000s) and everyone had that level of 'attention', or what.

Anyway, I've pretty much always had this thing where I gravitated towards men rather than women in friendship circles (felt like I got on better with men, prefer the banter men have rather than the bitchibess and gossip of women), but there was always the fact that the men in question would more than likely show an interest in me.

At 26 I got into my first relationship, ended up having my children but there was a lot of violence and manipulation involved - he would sleep with other women (I didn't know until afterwards), accuse me of flirting with his friends, tell me what I should wear, expected me to be home all day cleaning, and throttle me when I did anything he didn't like.

That relationship ended but he kind of had me on a string for a long time afterwards, eventually I met someone else and managed to get free but then I was in another relationship!

I cant actually remember the order of everything, but basically from around 2013-2015 I had a brief thing with a much older teaching assistant at my childrens school, a 6 month long relationship where I was love bombed, he moved me in with him and then he kicked me out one day, an even shorter relationship with someone who much later on I found out was an alcoholic and drug user, was messed around by another guy who loved me one minute and not the next...a snog or two with a colleague with mental health issues and then I met my current partner in mid 2015.

I felt like all those people I mentioned in the last paragraph, I had strong feelings for. A couple still speak to me now and I still feel like I care about them a lot so I assume my feelings were genuine back then.

My partner, it moved quite quickly, we got engaged quite quickly (although he later admitted the engagement was only ever meant as a way to show commitment, not with the intention of ever getting married) and it's been mostly fine, but a lot of 'niggles'. We don't seem to connect very well, lots of misunderstandings that lead to arguments and tension, we haven't had much of a sex life for the past 5 years or so (neither of us seem that interested), and the past 2 years it's deteriorated quite significantly, I think, because of how I feel...

Pretty much since we've been together, I've felt like if one of these people from my past came along and asked for a relationship, I'd go for it. I feel like if I had a load of money and a better credit rating, I'd go and get my own place and leave my partner. Ever other week we seem to talk about splitting up but something stops me and I'm not sure what that is - sometimes I feel like I don't have any feelings for him but when it comes to actually saying we're done, I then feel awful and back track.
I literally switch in seconds from feeling like there just isn't enough there to continue a relationship, to changing my mind because 'what if' I do love him, but my expectation of what that feels like has been coloured by all the stuff from my past?

I had a brief...I don't even knkow what you'd call it...with my married best friend recently; he lives abroad so nothing would have happened but there was a good 2 weeks of messaging on WhatsApp literally all day and into the evening, hundreds of messages a day talking about all sorts, but also us both admitting that years ago, when we were both single, we liked each other but were too shy to act on it, lots of talking about how he would love to sweep me and my children up and take us away but it's not possible because of circumstances, me admitting I still have some feelings for him and him saying the same, him saying he feels unfulfilled in his marriage...if my partner was talking to another woman the way we did behind my back, I wouldn't have been happy.

So. Basically, I'm a mess.

I've felt consistently unhappy in my relationship for about the last 6 years but always brushed it under the carpet. The last year I feel unable to do that.

But how do I work out whether I've reached the end of my relationship, or the fact I'm thinking about other men (I don't think I'd have an affair, but at the moment I feel like if soemone kissed me for example, I'd reciprocate and then beat myself up about it later on) - and have done for a good portion of my relationship, off and on - is just a symptom of some narcissistic personality, mental health condition I'm not aware of...or am I just an awful person?

Sorry this is so long, I'm just so conflicted and have no friends (apart from aforementioned male best friend), no family I can talk to and not sure whether the GP or a counsellor is my best first step?

Any advice appreciated...thanks.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 09/04/2023 10:19

Just replying so you're not left hanging after what must have been a difficult story to tell. So sorry for what you went through as a child. You definitely need to talk to a counsellor, probably for a long time, to work through all of this. And I'd also ask for this to be moved to Relationships and consider putting a Trigger Warning for child abuse in the title - Mumsnet will help you out with that. Being unreasonable doesn't really begin to come into play with such a complex history. I hope you get the outlet and help you need to address what you've been through. Take care.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/04/2023 10:20

(You are absolutely not and never have been an awful person though, I'm sure)

category12 · 09/04/2023 10:47

Yes, I think talking to your GP and starting counselling would be a good idea.

You might find talking to NAPAC useful.

I think when your boundaries have been squashed or never developed due to abuse, it's like catnip to predatory men.

I think maybe you're drawn to men more than women as friends because subconsciously you're looking for male approval and find it easier to connect to them (ie. sexually) even if your intention is platonic. Kind of a way of knowing they "like" you whereas you feel more a fish out of water with women? (Because people are bitchy and gossipy - some of the worst for it I know are men 😂).

category12 · 09/04/2023 10:49

Some people, I mean. 🙂

Original poster
Whirlywiccan · 09/04/2023 10:55

category12 · 09/04/2023 10:47

Yes, I think talking to your GP and starting counselling would be a good idea.

You might find talking to NAPAC useful.

I think when your boundaries have been squashed or never developed due to abuse, it's like catnip to predatory men.

I think maybe you're drawn to men more than women as friends because subconsciously you're looking for male approval and find it easier to connect to them (ie. sexually) even if your intention is platonic. Kind of a way of knowing they "like" you whereas you feel more a fish out of water with women? (Because people are bitchy and gossipy - some of the worst for it I know are men 😂).

Yeah that's exactly how I feel about friendships - I feel like it's easier to connect with men, although I am conscious that it might just be because I'm somehow conditioned to... I don't even know the end of that sentence 😐but because of my past, anyway.

I don't think ever ever really felt romantically towards anyone and as a result, always felt like I was 'drawn into' the relationships I had, almost without realising.

Sorry- never thought about a trigger warning, I'll try and get that added.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2023 10:58

Yeah that's exactly how I feel about friendships - I feel like it's easier to connect with men, although I am conscious that it might just be because I'm somehow conditioned to... I don't even know the end of that sentence 😐but because of my past, anyway.

I know what you mean, I have some of that going on myself.

💐

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/04/2023 20:24

Hi OP,

Your relationship history is very similar to mine in my younger years - I also was sexually abused by my dad for several years and my mother was emotionally abusive. I am also bisexual.

I used to say that I found men much easier to talk to than women - I understood how to "manage" them, if that makes sense? Whereas women I found confusing and I was wary of them.

My first few relationships I felt I was constantly searching for what I hadn't got and I was very attached to the idea that some man would come along and "rescue" me from the AWFUL man I was currently with (who, whilst I was with the previous AWFUL man, had of course been the shining white knight who would come and rescue me...) In short, I wanted what I hadn't got, then when I got it, it was crap and I wanted something else.

I also received a lot of attention and "trying it on" from men around me: bosses, colleagues, partners of family and friends. I think they were predatory men with a radar for women (girls, really) with poor boundaries and low self-esteem.

I had counselling during this time but it really didn't address the core issues - I simply didn't match with the counsellors I tried, but the aforementioned last of boundaries and self-esteem meant I had no ability to say "this isn't working, i'm going to find someone else." I just carried on spending money and not getting any better.

Things only really changed for me when I met my husband, who was also a survivor of child sexual abuse. He was in a lot better shape than I was and had been part of a self-help group for survivors locally. I found connecting with other survivors and sharing our experiences more helpful than any form of therapy I'd had up to then.

The marriage didn't last but since then I had one more LTR (which was relatively healthy) and when that ended 10 years ago I had more therapy (this time with someone I was a lot more proactive in checking out and making sure we were a good fit) and I also worked on my own on re-parenting myself, and finally cut my abusive mother out of my life.

I am now much happier, single and intend to remain so, but have now developed strong, deep friendships with women for the first time in my adult life. This, along with my lovely adult son, has made me happier with my life than any romantic relationship has ever done.

I definitely suggest you get into therapy - pay if you can possibly afford it. Some therapists do a sliding scale of fees if you're a low earner. It is the best investment you will ever make.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 10/04/2023 09:15

I absolutely don't think you are, or ever have been, an awful person, OP.

From my own experiences I've found an alarming number of men find young women with trauma and eroded boundaries practically irresistible.
It seems to me you are trying to get your needs met by hoping / wanting these adult interactions will help you feel loved / good about yourself, but unfortunately you are dealing with horrendous men who only want to use you. This is what you understand relationships to be.
You don't trust women because of your mums reaction (lack of reaction) to disclosing your abuse. With men, you might feel you know how they work? (Better the devil you know).
Be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault.

Original poster
Whirlywiccan · 15/04/2023 10:41

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/04/2023 20:24

Hi OP,

Your relationship history is very similar to mine in my younger years - I also was sexually abused by my dad for several years and my mother was emotionally abusive. I am also bisexual.

I used to say that I found men much easier to talk to than women - I understood how to "manage" them, if that makes sense? Whereas women I found confusing and I was wary of them.

My first few relationships I felt I was constantly searching for what I hadn't got and I was very attached to the idea that some man would come along and "rescue" me from the AWFUL man I was currently with (who, whilst I was with the previous AWFUL man, had of course been the shining white knight who would come and rescue me...) In short, I wanted what I hadn't got, then when I got it, it was crap and I wanted something else.

I also received a lot of attention and "trying it on" from men around me: bosses, colleagues, partners of family and friends. I think they were predatory men with a radar for women (girls, really) with poor boundaries and low self-esteem.

I had counselling during this time but it really didn't address the core issues - I simply didn't match with the counsellors I tried, but the aforementioned last of boundaries and self-esteem meant I had no ability to say "this isn't working, i'm going to find someone else." I just carried on spending money and not getting any better.

Things only really changed for me when I met my husband, who was also a survivor of child sexual abuse. He was in a lot better shape than I was and had been part of a self-help group for survivors locally. I found connecting with other survivors and sharing our experiences more helpful than any form of therapy I'd had up to then.

The marriage didn't last but since then I had one more LTR (which was relatively healthy) and when that ended 10 years ago I had more therapy (this time with someone I was a lot more proactive in checking out and making sure we were a good fit) and I also worked on my own on re-parenting myself, and finally cut my abusive mother out of my life.

I am now much happier, single and intend to remain so, but have now developed strong, deep friendships with women for the first time in my adult life. This, along with my lovely adult son, has made me happier with my life than any romantic relationship has ever done.

I definitely suggest you get into therapy - pay if you can possibly afford it. Some therapists do a sliding scale of fees if you're a low earner. It is the best investment you will ever make.

This is exactly it with regards to men - like you said, I feel like I know how to manage them and their expectations of me.

I'm also potentially autistic (on a waiting list for diagnosis) and was bullied terribly throughout high school - my mum's approach was to move me out of the problem school to another one, then the same would happen again so I'd move again...as a result I wasn't in one secondary school for more than 6 months, I'm sure all of that contributed to the shockingly poor social skills I have now!

After reading through your post, therapy seems like an option, but finding one that will suit is the thing. I'll look into it though, and also maybe some abuse survivor forums... thank you.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page