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Original poster

DH's behaviour

15 replies

Nedmund · 14/08/2023 14:19

Just want to vent and ask if there's some sort of solution to this.

I feel like DH gaslights me (in front of our eldest). He says things like "we didn't do X for Christmas" or "I've never said X about Y". They clearly did happen and the older DC is getting, they are pulling him up on it when they overhear. It can be things a whole family witnessed but he's so sure of himself. He says it's because he has bad memory and can't remember. I've said if his memory is that bad, how can he have such confidence in it to say everyone else it wrong and he's right? He often doesn't apologise for it either (although he says he's good at apologising) because he's usually too annoyed to admit anything.

His last one was me pointing out fairly calmly at the time that he'd had a break over most of the holidays as his parents were mainly looking after DC (part of a wider conversation which the origin he apologised for). He says "no, we were here for Christmas", I point out we had a nice Christmas with his whole family and saw his entire extended family. He gets annoyed and says don't be ridiculous. I explained how his parents had done things for all of the grandchildren and he still is saying "no, they didn't". At this point I am annoyed and I argued with him. Our eldest is baffled and then gets involved because it was so crazy that he'd deny it. I've decided to disengage from now on because I feel whenever he's wrong the aim is to make me look crazy.

If it's true he can't remember, is it a form of some kind of unintentional gaslighting?

OP posts:
Serenity45 · 14/08/2023 14:50

It's not unintentional though, is it? If he acknowledges that his memory is bad this should be the lead-in e.g. "I know my memory is a bit crap but I'm sure xyz happened / didn't happen"

I say this as a perimenopausal woman with the most appalling brain fog and memory issues. I can be SO SURE that I'm right and will express this, but always with the caveat that I accept my memory isn't 100% reliable. Sometimes I'm spot on, sometimes I'm wrong and sometimes DH and I admit that, actually neither of us are sure. But we're not trying to win or score points off each other (not suggesting that you are doing that either btw!).

Is this behaviour in isolation or is it part of a wider pattern of concerns?

Doggymummar · 14/08/2023 14:54

It doesn't seem intentional, I have PTSD due to childhood trauma. My oh is not aware of this and sometimes I will swear we haven't watched something on TV and he says we have. We are currently watching Doom Patrol again as I insist we haven't seen it, but I am starting to remember certain bit ( can't tell him that tho. The climbdown would be too embarrassing)

Original poster
Nedmund · 14/08/2023 15:37

He has to be right and is very stubborn. He's down signs of subtly controlling behaviour (that we've both seen in his parents). For example, us both saying DC could go to a choice of places (after agreeing to this together) and then trying to get DC to change their mind because he doesn't want to do it.

My late DM would say she could see signs of him trying to wind me up but not to bite because I'd be the one who looked crazy and looked argumentative. Over the years I've taken steps to sort myself out but he comes up a lot and I'm not sure if he really brings out the best in me. He does try to score points which I have pointed out and then accuses me of trying to score points having brought up whatever I was unhappy with to have even brought up in the first place. A small thing is blown way out of proportion.

OP posts:
Arthriticmiddlefinger · 14/08/2023 16:00

Not sure I have advice but I go through very similar with my DP re “I never said that” “I’ve never done XYZ” - he has bad memory and has had some issues that don’t help with the memory. He also tells these weird, insignificant lies that, frankly, feel like an insult to my intelligence.

I don’t really know what to do but have gone from thinking we were going to grow old together to wondering wtf have I done.

There are a couple of recent threads that are touching on similar issues

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4867908-unresolved-conflict-with-dh?latest=0

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4865015-husband-turns-everything-around-on-me?latest=0

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 14/08/2023 16:02

Unintentional gaslighting is a good way of putting it

except I’ve started thinking that if someones knows they have a problem (memory, anxiety, whatever it is) and they won’t seek help with it, knowing how it affects those around them, then it ceases to be unintentional

JibbaJab · 14/08/2023 16:37

No doesn't seem unintentional. From having memory loss myself for a long period it was more of a case of:

'Did they?! I can't remember any of that...but okay guess I forgot again, weird'.

I've never argued that things didn't happen and in my experience if it was memory loss you start noticing pretty quickly you're missing large gaps. I sought help myself because I was aware.

Although, that did ultimately backfire because I was actually being gaslight myself and being made to believe things happened when they didn't because they knew I had memory problems.

But no, some people can argue until they are blue in the face that something didn't happen even though you have evidence or witnesses proving otherwise.

Original poster
Nedmund · 15/08/2023 00:46

I did talk to DH about how he can be so sure if he can't remember. His reasoning was much like pp "you've forgotten you've watched a film before."

I said but I've not forgotten big events and argued my point despite mounting evidence and can apologise easily and swiftly.

He said he's always quite adamant because he genuinely believes it but can't be sure because he can't trust his memory. I'm not sure how that adds up really. I asked how he can argue until he's blue in the face over something and he said "should I never trust myself again then?" The conversation felt a bit like more of the same.

In the end I had to ask for an apology about how he spoke to me rather than anything else (that's out of the ordinary though) and leave it where it was because I'm so sick of going round in circles.

To the PP who said there have been a few threads on this lately, I just wonder if this is how some people were raised. Possibly men? I was raised to appease others and question myself but DH thinks he is always right. I've made a conscious effort to start telling the DC neither of us are perfect and get things wrong a lot as my eldest thinks he's always right too. I observed a huge proportion of men in a museum telling their children all kinds of untruths and passing them off as fact, not reading signs recently. I did wonder at the time why that was.

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 01:14

No, that reasoning doesn't make sense. If you can say without a doubt something happened and other's can verify, he's either not well mentally or he's doing it on purpose.

Was he always like this or is this something new and how old is he?

Although there are men who think they are right, no I don't think there is an upbringing thing of making men that are always right, not in my experience anyway.

What you likely saw wasn't them thinking they were right but just saying any old shit because it's easier than reading the signs. That's how my father was with me and seemed common. However it was a waste of energy anyway because I had already read the signs myself, so.

Pixiedust1234 · 15/08/2023 01:19

I know of two men like your DH. Both also refuse to apologise. Both end up deflecting back on to the other person. Both confusing those around them whilst they are adamant they are right despite proof they are not.

Turns out both are abusive but not in an apparent way, more the little boiling frog way. Outsiders don't see it but it leaves the family/DW confused, unsure, less confident, smaller, sadder. It's deliberate.

It's also very very bad if your DC are coming to your defence and he still refuses to back down.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 01:24

Your husband is an abusive man, and he knows exactly what he's doing. He's gaslighting you every chance he gets to maintain control and to keep you second guessing yourself. Please stop falling for this bullshit. Get rid of him.

Original poster
Nedmund · 15/08/2023 01:46

I think whatever he's setting out to achieve would only be to make me look bad in front of our children, if I rise to it. I'm just not going to respond to him when he does it for the time being and he won't get what he wants if that is it. If it's to keep me with him and make me feel small, stupid, like I'm going crazy generally then it's not working in the way he hoped and I just think less of him whenever he does it. I know it's all him and I can see it clearly.

I forgot that he has mentioned feeling overwhelmed generally and on one hand I felt like it would explain it but on the other, I felt like it's been like this for a good few years and it would happen once or twice a year but has really peaked recently. I feel if he wanted to sort himself out then he would.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 15/08/2023 21:49

I forgot that he has mentioned feeling overwhelmed generally

Since when does feeling overwhelmed make you a bullshitting liar who refuses to back down despite multiple people saying they are wrong? It doesn't. What it does do is make him a victim and you the nasty person. The ultimate "my wife/family doesn't understand me".

Wallywobbles · 15/08/2023 22:05

My memory is poor so I just say I have no memory of that. I'd never deny it happened because I couldn't be sure as a rule.

Bikesandbees · 05/02/2024 19:39

it seems like pretty serious memory loss, to not remember where you were for Christmas? That, combined with feeling overwhelmed, and maybe even his absolute certainty he is right, could easily be a sign of something that’s affecting his mental health. Depression? Anxiety? Or possibly even early onset dementia? I’d ask him to see a doctor if his memory is really that bad. I have ADHD and anxiety that both affect my memory, although not to the extent that you describe your DH’s memory issues. I know where we’ve been for the last 5 Christmases at least!

Is it newish behaviour? How long has he been like this?

butteredcrumpetsandjam · 05/02/2024 19:48

Just walk away don’t argue. Unless you actually run a business together or the children are tiny you can basically get away with ignoring him . Do that, completely blank him if he starts talking shit and go and engross yourself in something.
He’ll stop doing it if he’s no one to argue with.
when my DH starts with me, stupid niggly comments and nagging I just smile and agree with him and go to another room. He hates it because he wanted a reaction 🤣
’this laundry has been here ages’
’yes it has’
’why?’
’because I’m a lazy bitch. Bye!’
and away I scarper to my study or the bedroom.

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