am I overly sensitive?

We have other issues in the marriage inclding emotional abuse in the past which he has worked on so I'm wondering am I right to be annoyed now or am I over reacting because of past events?

This should have been right at the top. What he is doing IS emotional abuse, making you scared to just live your life in fear of being told off, nagged etc. It's a form of control. People don't get to speak to you like that.

Why stay in a marriage where you know there is emotional abuse? You deserve better.

He's still emotionally abusing you so he needs to up his game with his work on that.

He has not changed and you are still being emotionally abused by him.

how can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

His short fuse is his issue to work on. You didn’t cause his anxiety issues so they’re not your responsibility to manage, they’re his.

Also, short fuses don’t cause someone to insult you by saying you’re clumsy. Unless there is a notable imbalance in the number of things you break compared to the number of things he breaks, this is not fair commentary on his part.

Can he be reasoned with when he is calm? If so, could you explain to him that you find his criticism, instruction and nagging (and double-standards around it) upsetting and you would like him to stop. Tell him you’re okay with him pointing out that you’ve done something wrong once, but not with repeated criticism, reminders and instructions that treat you like a child. If he does not speak to you with respect, you are setting a boundary that you will walk away from the conversation until he is calm and capable of discussing things as adults.

emotional abuse in the past

It's not in the past. You're posting about abuse in the present. Coercive control.

Living in an environment like this - walking on eggshells, never knowing when dad will kick off, hypercriticism, downtrodden anxious mum - will damage the development of your children's central nervous system.

By the time you wait it out for them to reach adulthood they're already irreparably damaged.

If you exit the relationship they get to experience a calm and safe-feeling home most of the time which will enable the healthy development of their central nervous system.

Right now that's impossible because 100% of their time is with a home that's unpredictable and where you can never relax or feel secure.

What do you need to exit the relationship?

He has anxiety and says this leads to a short fuse and I need to understand that

You need to understand that responsible adults take responsibility for their own short fuses, and don't make the fact that they are causing a problem into someone else's fault.

He's still abusing you. You caught him out in doing it one way, so he's doing it another.

But in my gut I don't think so but it's hard when you are being told you are the problem

Being told that you're the problem makes it easier, it helps you see that what they're saying isn't logical or sensible. But only if you trust, in yourself, that you are not the problem, and that's the issue here. He's behaving in a way that makes you feel bad, and you believe that it's your fault. Scratch the idea from your thoughts. If you assume that it's not your fault, you'll see clearly what a nasty piece of work he is.

Imagine doing that to an innocent person; making them feel faulty, making them feel they're causing problems, making them feel rubbish. What an awful thing to do.

This is part of the emotional abuse. It's designed to make you feel like you can't do anything right. And to make you feel upset, stressed and as if he considered you useless.

Get as far away from him as possible. He will never stop.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I lived like this for 25 years and just last year decided to break free. You have no idea how amazingly beautiful and serene life can be.

It really resonated with me when you said that you worry more about his reaction when something happens than about the issue itself. I remember thinking the same. This is my house, my money, my things why am I not upset if I break something but I am upset about what he may say to me. Same goes for everything, he was in my head 24/7 and I would not be able to make any decisions without thinking about what he may say about it. Horrible, horrible way to live life. I say run, run and do not look back.

Set aside his excuses for being able to criticse, undermine and shout at you....

If he has anxiety then he needs to get some medical help.
If he has a short fuse then he needs to talk to someone about that.

His anxiety and his short fuse are not your problem to solve. You and the children are the victims of his personality, of his abuse. And it is abuse.

Your children are aware of how he is, they are aware of his moods, they will also walk on eggshells worrying about upsetting him and his 'short fuse'. They would be much better off not having to live with him, and being able to enjoy a calm, happy, living home with you alone.