Will I regret never speaking to my mother and how do I live with the regret as I know I can't have any contact with her.

[Fabster]

My mother gave me away as I was a girl and her boyfriend didn't want me around. My father never wanted me. She is convinced she has done everything she can for me and has no idea of how her choices have affected me.

Part of me wants to have it out with her but only because I don't want to be left with any regrets when she dies. I really want nothing more to do with her. Too numerous to list here but what she has done has been awful and she has also threatened to get access to my children.

I guess I am asking how I live with never having the opportunity to make her see what she has done.

I am having therapy and doing really well, have made progress, but are nowhere near "better" but are getting there.

OK - I'm not an expert. I have two things to say.

1. can you get guidance from your therapist?

1. My dh had a truly terrible relationship with his df - he was abusive right until the end. A very different situation from yours but fil got ill - I said to dh that he should have a final chat with him - it might be 'you've been a bastard but I love you' or could easily have been ' you are a bastard and you are responsible for so much shit in my life'. For reasons unconnected to your situation (he was manipulated by mil) he did neither and now fil has passed away my dh cannot grieve and is somehow stuck in a past he cannot do anything.

Go with gut instinct on this one is my very unqualified advice.

Fab have you ever tried writing it all down then you don't ever actually have to face her but you will have got it off her face.

I have never had it out with my dad, for 2 reasons,
I know he wouldn't listen to what I have to say,
If I told him everything then we would definitely never speak again(although we don't speak now)
I don't want to go back to the place I was a year or 2 ago,

okay that was 3 reasons

Have you read toxic parents? It does recommend sitting down and telling your parents everything but only after you have done other things, I have read the book won't be sitting down with my dad but it has gave me a better understanding of him iyswim

Thanks for taking the time to post that, giveitago. I am torn as my mil has said it is easier with me not having a mother , shame she sided with her and not me then, and my dh wouldn't let her anywhere near the kids, but it isn't about having her in my life. Maybe I am bitter as I want her to know how much her actions have hurt me. She has complained I think everything is about me and I will never be happy until I accept that people did everything for me. WTF?

My gut instinct it to leave alone but..

Plum - I wrote her a letter a few years ago, actually half my life ago and never intended to send it. Maybe I need to have a think about doing it again. I feel like I don't want to waste time but then I need to do something.

ok so my first sentenance does not make sense

I think I mean't you will have got it off your chest but you won't have to face her

Have you read Toxic parents it tells you how to go about having the talk with her or write a letter

I haven't, I will look for it.

Just off to get the kids now.

It has a chapter called Confrontation the road to independence,
it is very good, it tells you what to say, how to say it, also other chapters give you positive response for any negative coments

You need to have written a letter anyway to have a face to face confrontation
it should cover
this is what you did to me
this is how i felt at the time
this is how it afeected my life
this is what i want from you now(this could be an apology or acknowledgement to hurt caused)

I got my copy on amazon think it was about £6

This is between you and your mother - do not let mil and your dh get involved at all.

Your terms. End of.

It's not up to your dh to ban your mum from seeing kids. It's up to you and you alone.

You have the absolute right to determine the rules of contact or anything else to do with your mother.

How very shitty for you, Fabster. So sorry you've had so much to deal with - well done on your therapy; keep it up!

I did have with out with my parents - my father ages ago; Mum a year or so back. I suppose I feel better for having done it, but the truth is it doesn't change anything. I feel we're driven to do this because of that crippling, lingering hope they'll turn around and say "Oh, yes, I see it all now! I was totally crap & never treated you as the wonderful creature you are & always have been! How can I ever make it up to you?"

Which will happen when the sky turns lime green & fills with flying pigs

I do support efforts to have The Conversation, if only because you then know you did it. It sounds a little early for you right now, though. You may very well decide, later in your process, you simply can't be arsed.

What I have needed to do, at length, is to tell as many people as possible about it. I'm grateful to Stately Homes, a few other forums and several therapists for this. It's got a lot to do with validation. After a lifetime of being told we've got it all wrong, it wasn't that bad, we should just get over it, we're lying, we're too sensitive, yawn, yawn, yawn ... it's crucial to be heard.

I've written miles of journals & the same again of forum posts, have bent the ears of a dozen therapists, cried in recovery groups, and am still reading on it. I'm not "cooked" yet, either, but - in replying to you - have just realised my need to talk it through is much reduced. Hurrah!

So, yeah, give yourself plenty of time and space. Learn to not-care what other people think about you & your process. Tell your mother your thoughts if you like; what you want to do, for yourself, is all that counts here. Stay steady, love yourself, and have a bagful of good wishes from me

Just had a head spinning time so just a quick response. It is my decision to not have anything to do with my mother and my dh only doesn't want to because he knows what she has done. If I wanted to I would do it.

Funnily enough I actually said stuff to my father 5 years ago and will never speak to him again but that is no real loss as I have never had a relationship with him and only saw him twice in my life. He never wanted me and doesn't now. Funny how I was able to speak freely to him when up to then he had always been on a pedestal and I thought he was the good guy and mum was the bad guy. Before this we had had 3 okay chats.