Whenwillifeelnormal

[saintmom]

i have ssen so many many of your lovely posts that are so helpfullto the op.

i was sort of hoping that you could give me some advice please and any others more than welcome

to give you the background info met dh when i was 17 he was 20 my 2nd proper relationship, i fell head over heels deeply in love with him,on our first date i knew and told my friends this is the man im going to marry and have children with, i just knew it we had a connection, it felt so different from other crush and my first relationship i knew it was love.
i would have walked over hot coals for him, i was allways telling him how much i loved him i was allways giving him the attention, as i said my 2nd relationship with my first boyfriend the furthest we ever went was kissing i was a complete virgin sexually in everything except for the kissing how ever i knew dh had experience . i allways felt at the time that it was more effort on my half with the relationship than him, he would often go out with mates and didnt tell me, arrange to meet me from work but didnt turn up as he was to busy with friends getting drunk. I on the other hand had dropped all my friends so i could only spend time with dh.8 months later we are engaged i was then 18 dh 21.we were also living with my parents as his family a whole differnt story!

1 year later dh had got himself in to a shit load of debt £8,000, we broke up during this time as i was giving him my wages to pay of his debts and he said he didnt want it to bring me down as well, god for a bout 2 months i was a wreck felt as if he had died, was grieving so much then as i started getting on with my life he came back in to it said how much he loved me and had done the wrong thing, so we got back toghether got engaged again and moved out of my parents to our own little maisonette flat.

At the time i knew i still loved him but if im honest how much hed hurt me before frinds first and splitting up with me i could feel that love had been hacked at and as he was useless at giving attention to me i started to give him less.
i fell pregnant at 19, dh was happy with it but didnt do much to help me round the flat his nan also passed away on christmas day that year and he said he was distant because of that.
when we would bump in to people he knew from work he would let go of my hand and take a side step away from me when ds1 was born he never really bonded with ds1, he also started anew job 2 weeks after ds1 birth he became very distant with me flat was a mess wouldnt do ds1 bottles, nappies, bath nothing i didi it all but he would cook us something to eat.
He then started doing his famous dissapearing acts not coming home being at pub with mates i had no support so i upped and left him with ds1 and we moved back in with my mom and dad. after about 1 month i found out through a friend he was seeing someone else i was devastated as i deep down still loved him but left as he didnt step up to the plate, i phoned him to arrage for him to visit ds1 as he did shift work and i colud hear her in the background i just flipped in the flat we had 2 settes that my grandad brought us, when i was pregnant with ds1 my grandad passed away so the thing that got me so mad was knowing that she was sitting on the settes that my grandad brought for me not her fucking fat ass.
My dad took me round there and i confronted her on the street (it was like something out of eastenders!) hs then finished there realtionship (even to this day he says it was never physical, just kissing)and we started to try to put ours back together, about 2 months later we moved back in with dh.

we then had to move as landlord sold property out from underneath us, so moved back in with my parents. things were good with us.

we got a new proerty from housing assocition.

when ds1 was 3 he was diagnosed with autism that was a huge strain on us but we battled through it, about 4 years ago i was on the computor on dh was acting very odd round it kept watching me, following day when he went to work i hacked in to his email and found pic of some girl, he had been on some sleazy chat site through AOL its like a shout box so there was no way i could see what was said gave him a right bollocking about it he then deleted his email account as a sign it was nothing to him. about a year later i had phone call from BT telling me didi you know that you have rung a high priced phone line and its cost £40 got the number of them phone dit my self and it was a sex chat line

i threathend to throw him out after that he was so sorry blah blah blah.

by this satage i knew i loved him but this had seriously been chiped away at, was no where near to how much i loved him at first.

then i find out im pregnant with ds2 complete shock, had a bad pregnancy heavy bleeding in the first trimester had to go for emergency scans, then bad morning sickness lasting all day, when i was 5 months dh was very cagey with mobile phone, wouldnt lave it on the side kept in his pocket at all times. when he came home from work as i hugged him i got it out of his pocket and ran to the bathroom said i felt sick, locked the door and looked on there could see nothing he had a mobile on the 3 network so i then went on there went to his account deatails and found he had joined the sex text flirting i though i was really going to be sick then he had texted these women and it was either very explixit what he had put or very soft and gentle like "an angel on my screen" never spoke to me like that. i flipped out got a suitcase and packed his things up as i was trying to drag the suitcase down stairs he came out of kitchen running shouting are you ok with all the nosie thought id fell, threw him out there and then he came back after 30 mins said he wanted to talk, said that i was giving him noattention and stuff putting it all on me when i said i wanted his phone to look agian he gave it me when i looked at these dates it was when i was having the bleeding he then ptomised he would be a changed man and to prove it we were going to finally get married me at the time hormonal and gullable said yes

so we got married when i was 7 moths pregnant in hindsight wish i said no as every anniversairy all i can think is the only reason we are married is because of what he did, its a sick reminder

when ds2 was 1 1/2 found more stuff on his mobile again at the time we were starting to realise that ds2 was prob autistic as well, i just didnt have the energy to deal with "us".

he has completely changed now even though i wiuldnt trust him for how far as i could throw him
he helps round the house adores dc, will do anyhting to help them with their autism,
he cooks for us all, he will do nice things like give me a massage and stroke my back.

But i do love him but not as much as i used to, now a days its him who doesnt stop with the attention on me and i dont give him much after evrything hes put me through he has killed most of his love him self.

I have never strayed or been tempted to, allways been 100% devoted to him.

so my question is where do i go from here?
i want to get back that loving feeling to be affectionate with him. i do love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him do feel abit upset and insecure at times as he had many previous sex partners and asi said he was first for all sex acts!

I also dont have a high sex drive where he does wants sex about 4 times a week most of the time i send him to the bathroom!

I want to make it better i really do, cant really do relate or anything as time wise and strict routines with dc.

also would love to get the trust back he now has a very old basic mobile that has no extra stuff on not even a camera

hope i covered it all prob to much info!

saintmom

sorry im 29 now and dh is 33

Gosh. It sounds like he has finally grown up and its all come too late for you.

I think you have to ask yourself - do you want to, or can you imagine, spending the rest of your life with him?

He has behaved like an arse in the past but he is trying his best now. And you say you love him still. It would be a shame not to try to work things out.

Have you actually looked into the logistics of counselling/Relate? Perhaps you could have counselling on your own to work through your anger at his past behaviour?

yes i want to spend the rest of my life with him i do love him but not as strong as before after all hes put me through

like i said no time for relate and stuff strict routines 2dc with autism

well, I think that your love for him could grow stronger again if you were able to move on.

are the DSs not in school? can you not get a babysitter?

Relate do telephone and email counselling which you can work around your schedules.

If your H has grown up and reformed it does seem a real shame to throw it all away now - and frankly it wouldn't be unusual for a young man to struggle with monogamy in his early twenties and use sex lines etc. as a way of diverting from emotional pain - only you can know if he has grown out of this and can handle things better now or if he's just got good at hiding tracks. Of course you hold much anger and hurt for what has happened but perhaps you can find a way to forgive if he acknowledges his wrongs?

If you truly have mismatched libidos, this may well be a problem but a good psychosexual counsellor might help you to discover confidence and joy in your own body and you might find that your sex drive heightens.

Will try to come back tomorrow when more time. Happy to help.

i really do love him very and want to work it out to make us much stronger

i know deep down that i will be with dh forever as i do love him and even though he has done shit things that he is my sole mate
Im a SAHM as ds2 is 3 ds1 is 9 and goes to a SEN school trying to get ds2 statemented to go there aswell.
while dh now works on the roads and can work from 4 am to 7 pm at night, never knows what hours he has to work as can be called out on emergencies.

I do sort of feel that he hasnt done anything in a while because he hasnt got a modern mobile phone with all the extra stuff on it.

thanks whenwill really look forward to tomorrow.

And thankyou everyone for your advice so far.

Saintmom I'm not surprised your love for him has floundered and that it seems too little, too late. He could be excused in the early days of your relationship for resisting monogamy, as you were so young.

However, given that he was engaging in immature contact with women from sex sites when he was 29 and into his thirties, I suspect his attitudes towards sex, monogamy, women and female sexuality are pretty deep-rooted. And I doubt you know the half of it - just what you managed to find out each time you "caught" him.

Bargaining that he doesn't have the technology now to cheat is flawed thinking, because it doesn't remove the desire to do it. Because you have forgiven him every time, you have never made it a condition of staying in the relationship, that he analyses his behaviour.

Counselling will help enormously, but I think for it to work, you need total honesty between you. He needs to tell you exactly what he has done - and to be willing to analyse his own sexual motivations and attitudes. You need to be honest about the attrition this constant infidelity has caused.

I would also add that just because you loved him very much once, it is not a good enough reason to stay with him if you feel differently now. You don't have to have him in your life and he is not your soul mate, since there is no such thing.

He can still be a good parent to your DCs if you part and perhaps if you do, you might find you are better friends than lovers, when you realise that you don't have to constantly police his activities - and you are free to form relationships with people who will share your values and will treat you with respect and dignity.

thanks whenwill, am now going to take some time to think about this.

i know that yes i still do love him
i know that yes i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

need to do a lot of thinking, and bring up counciling with him.

He had a very strange up bringing lived with his mom and dad and they split when he 3 as dad had been having an affair.(married the OW, dh has 4 step siblings never met)

then lived with his mom,nan,grandad, 2 uncles and an aunty till he left home to move in with me (by this time though his grandad had died when he was 15, and 1 uncle and aunty had moved out)

His mom is very strange and have cut them all out of our lives she used to tell him wised she drowned him at birth and other awfull stuff, then when ds1 was diagnosed said autism didnt exsist

since his parents split up only ssen his dad a handfull of times, the last time was when i was pregnant with ds1 and he was rushed to hospital with a heart attack, we went along for dh to see him only to find out hed been having an affair for 10 years behind his wifes back

So as you can see a bad upbringing, sometimes wounder if his behaviour is due to it?