What do you say when someone tells you they're having a baby and your usual response of "Congratulations! How lovely!" would be a lie?

[Flinch]

My mum told me yesterday that my brother and his wife are expecting another baby.

Throughout 2008 and 2009, she had an affair. They separated for a while, but got back together after she told my brother it was over - which is when the conceived their first child. She had lied, and continued with the affair for another six months, walking out on my doormat of a lovely, despairing brother three times to spend weekends/holidays with her lover.

My brother was obviously in pieces. He told us (me, Mum and Dad) about how she was treating him and speaking to him, and we were in disbelief and thinking it was only a matter of time before he found the strength to have her bags packed waiting for her when she got back.

Nope. They are still together. His wife's lover (not her) ended the affair before their baby was born, and his wife has never apologised to him, won't discuss the affair ("It's all in the past - let's focus on the future ..."), won't go to counselling, etc. He has said he doesn't trust or respect her - and yet they've kind of limped back into being a superficially "normal" couple.

When my mum told me yesterday that they are expecting their second baby, I'm ashamed to say my knee-jerk response was along the lines of: "What the f*ck are they doing having another baby when their relationship is fundamentally broken?!"

I love my brother to bits. Who he chooses to shack up with and how non-existent he's happy for his boundaries to be are none of my business. But I just don't get this having-another-baby thing. I can't not have an opinion about it, given everything he has shared with me over the past few years. I'm actually angry with him.

How do I just be nice about it when he tells me? How do I be authentic with him, without crushing him or compromising our close relationship?

Just congratulate him
He will always remember if you don't, and after all his relationship is his decision
Focus on the new family member as your brother's child if it helps.

Congratulate them and say you hope it all goes smoothly.

Your brother won't thank you for your opinion, he won't be asking for your opinion, so don't give an opinion.

That way, if the marriage thrives you will not have done anything to threaten your own relationship with your brother. If it fails, saying "I told you so" will not help.

It might not be as bad as you think. Even if it is, there is a child coming who will be your neice/nephew and whom you can love.

I think it is very hard when you have listened to someone cry on your shoulder (metaphorically or actually) to then see them return to the person they were crying about. I guess it can seem like a rejection of the support you gave. Loving someone means accepting the choices they make in life even when we disagree with them. You just have to suck it up. It's rough but there it is.

If your brother is happy about the new baby, he deserves your congratulations.

'Congratulations, I hope you're very happy'...that would be true. As would, 'I can't wait to have another niece/nephew to cuddle!'

In my extended family we've had a lot of unplanned, not ideal pregnancies. When all is said and done, the new family member is very much welcomed and loved, no matter what the situation. My nan always says, 'There's a person on his way, and there's not much we can do to stop him coming now is there? We'll have to make room.'

Whatever happens, you'll love the kid. Focus on that.

abbie your nan sounds smashing
Will always remember my own father grunting disparagingly when I told him about ds, never forgot it, please don't do this to your brother op it is really hurtful!

Thanks for all the advice. You're right, of course I need to be nice about it. I just cannot lie. I'm going to go with abbierhodes script - because they're supportive without fibbing.

ninah, I'm sorry your dad's disapproval hurt you and I can understand that. I don't want to hurt my brother. But I would be lying if I said - to him or on here - that I think it's a great idea that they're having another baby.

If you think about it, if a mum had posted on here about finding out about her husband having a long affair, then that they were separating, then that they had got back together, then that he'd lied to her about the affair being over, and that he was carrying it on under her nose and going off for weekends away with OW while a baby was on the way ... well, I'm fairly sure there'd be unanimous cries of, "Why are you still there?!" and "Pack his bags!" and "If you'll put up with this, is there anything you won't let him get away with?"

If she then posted a year later to say she'd stayed with him, he'd never apologised or talked about the affair or agreed to her request that they see a counsellor, and that they were expecting their second baby, I don't think it would be all "Congratulations!" on here either.

I know I'm not anonymous web support to my brother, but his sister, and so I have a relationship with him to safeguard for the long-term. But I do think it's crazy. Even if I manage not to say it.

And of course it goes without saying that I'll love and welcome this little baby as much as I have my nephew. I like your nan's take on it, abbierhodes. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Flinch I really understand how you feel. It's horrible to see someone you love being treated like this, but it might help you to regard the baby coming - and your brother's recovery, as separate issues. WRT the baby, I'd echo the truthful but carefully worded congratulations suggested.

However, has your brother talked to you about why he isn't doing more to get to the bottom of why your SIL was unfaithful? You're dead right, if your brother were posting here, I for one would urge him to make certain conditions on forgiveness.

Burying an affair does nothing to affair-proof the future marriage. But are you sure that it's your SIL and not your brother, who is insisting it remains buried? What ever, it sounds as though he has consented to that. Now you and I might think that he's wrong consenting to that - and imagine that his wife will hurt him again somewhere down the line, but I think in your position, all you can do is tell him that you are there for him if he ever wants to discuss the choices he has made and why he has made them.

I acknowledge how hard it is for you to stand back and watch - and hold your tongue. None of this means you have to like your SIL - and if she had any sense, she would spend some time talking to you and trying to repair the breach in family relations. Really contrite people have the good sense to realise that the hurt suffered after an affair, has a ripple effect on the whole extended family. They acknowledge the hurt and face up to it.

If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all basically.

You only have one version of events no matter how obvious it may be and you will naturally side with your brother anyway.

Behind closed doors and that you don't know what is going on, they may be working it out, it maybe a matter of time before he sees the light, who knows?

Either way that's his child, your niece/nephew and that's all that matters really.

And the child is his, we presume?

I have had a similar situation and had to congratulate a friend who simply should not be having more children. I won't go into it but I absolutely do not say that lightly. I stuck with 'that's a surprise, when did you find out, when are you due' etc.

I think 'Congratulations' is always the best thing to say.
There's nothing worse than announcing a pregnancy and having people suck air through their teeth and shake their heads like a dodgy builder.

Just congratulate and hope for the best. I have a friend who is in a toxic marriage. She's unhappy, he treats her like crap but she believes she can't do better/this is what marriage is supposed to be.

She has an older daughter pre-him who was abused and is about to enter teenagedom and needs her. She has a naturally conceived child with him and an IVF conceived child. Each time she's pg the next one up gets forgotten in the baby excitement. They can't afford it but they have been through IVF twice since latest child. When she told me they were trying again I just thought 'why?' It's a terrible idea, financially, emotionally, for their existing kids and the potential future one. But hey - you have to put the face on. Part of me hopes it fails again for the sake of her older kids who could do without another DC in the mix.

just congratulate him and the wife and wish them the best,,my MIL did not do the same when i got pregnant with DD,and it pained both my husband and i,,and we still talk about it,,she loves my DD though,which in the beginning PISSED me off,bcoz she didnt want me to get pregnant and tie myself to her son,,,i got over it though,,