XP making life hell - long, sorry.

[chattymitchie]

I've posted on lone parents thread but was told you might have some advice for me on here!

Background - split with XP when I was 3 months pregnant - he dumped me (told me I was an evil fucking selfish bitch because I decided to keep baby and because we couldn't agree where we would live if we moved in together) - but splitting was for the best. He's a nightmare to deal with, blames me for getting pregnant, says I've ruined his life, says I used him and now he's surplus to requirements, but then when it suits him says I'm a victim and if I played my cards right I could have stayed with him .... it goes on.

Anyway - DS now 6 months. XP has been difficult the entire time - I offered him unlimited access at my parent's house (he's verbally abusive so I don't like to deal with him on my own). He does pay minimum maintenance but has been promising to sort out a variation for the rest of his assets for 6 months, but hasn't done so. I submitted a variation in the end, but now he refuses to discuss it at all and appears to be busy hiding assets. He demands unsupervised access to DS, although has only seen him 6 times in 180 days ... not exactly putting himself out. I offered compromise so he could be with DS on his own in parent's house, and I would go out for day. He says not good enough he's getting assessor, refuses to discuss it further unless I go to mediation. He is accusing me of making it difficult to see DS

He's lied on so many occasions I can't actually keep count, and makes sure that everything is my fault.

He then came down to see DS at weekend and bought a woman with him (his friend but still, didn't ask my parent's whether it was ok). He then had row with my DF who pointed out it was a bit rude. He then went home after only being there an hour (he lives an hour away).

His family and the friend he bought down had no idea that it was XP's decision to only visit once a month (I think he told them that's all I'd let him come), but woman who came down now knows exactly what's been going on (she could hear row). I think they've now realised what's been going on, and because XP knows game is up, he rung to say he wants to start again, and wants to meet up with me 'to apologise for a couple of things which have been bought to his attention

Anyway - when it suits him he says we must be amicable, but as soon as I disagree with anything he says he tells me I'm bullying and controlling and that I'm trying to keep him away from his son.

So if I go and have this conversation with him what should I do? I'm not really in the mood for being amicable after the past 15 months. And if he wont discuss access or finance, what is there to talk to him about?

I have seen your other threads - did you ever find out who this 'assessor' actually was? Basically you need to put firm boundaries in place with this knobber and (for the moment) refuse all contact that isn't about your DS and indeed I would suggest that all contact should be through a third party. You don't have to obey him. His opinion of you doesn't actually matter. Remember that the priority is DS' wellbeing, and while it's good to facilitate a relationship with his dad, his dad has no right to any kind of relationship with you if he can't behave himself.

So let me see- hhe didn't want the abby when you were pregnant and now wants to see ds on his terms. The twat.
I would refuse him access and go through the courts. Mabe alert the police if he starts harrasing you. All the best.
Don't be amicable. Don't slag him off tpo your ds. Just maintain a frosty silence.

baby

thanks SGB and posh - no I never found out who the assessor was ... apparently XP was finding it difficult to organise a time ... I haven't heard anything since.

I really do want to lay out some boundaries, but each time I do I get some sort of abuse about it having to be my way or no way - and then if I say anything back he says he wont argue because we need to be amicable.

It is honestly and truly driving me insane. I have no idea what to do next.

I've agreed to meet up with him next w/e but if I mention anything he's not prepared to talk about he'll just get arsy. If I persist he'll say I'm being aggressive. I can't get anywhere.

I can't imagine he's going to apologise and turn over a new leaf - I think when he says he wants to gstart again he means that he wants us to forget and forgive everything he's done, so that he doesn't have to answer questions about the lies etc.

Arrgghhhhh I try not to let it make me .

but it makes me

I think in your shoes I would want to say yes actually it is my fucking way or no way, I'm ds's primary carer, so yes that is the way it is. Are you going to grow a pair and start being a father, and btw 6 days out of 180 is not being a father, and contribute to the cost of raising him or do you want to piss me about some more, give me hassle and then drop the whole idea of having a ds when you get bored?

Best decide. Balls in your court. And don't bother to reply with the usual shit.

I want to know x, y and z.

Thanks

chattymitchie

But then I am nicely removed from the consequences and the of it all. But feeling and towards him for you!

hi nemofish

that made me smile .... I'd love to write a letter like that. Maybe I'll just have to say that when I see him and face the consequences ....

Thing is, every time I try to set some reasonable boundaries and suggest compromises - he threatens going to court, but it's not a route I particulalry want to go down, because a) it' expensive and b)I don't know for sure whether the courts would be reasonable about supervised access ...

but I'm getting to the point where I'm willing to risk it because he is DOING MY HEAD IN.

Hmm I don't know exactly where you would stand re: court.

However dh has never had the balls courage to take his exgf to court about access, mainly because of the distress it would cause to dsd, but also because of the cost and hassle.

I think he may be a lot less willing to go down that route than he is leading you to believe, the 'assessor' farce in particular backs up that idea.

Plus any solicitor would see that he is taking the piss. It would a good idea to become like a broken record, stressing in all communication that you need to know xy and z and that as normal he welcome to any and all reasonable access etc.

That way he has no evidence of you denying him access / being unreasonable ( as you are not) and any solicitor is going to see that he is a twunt who is taking the piss.

He does not seem to be the type to put his money where his mouth is with a solicitor tbh.

Call his bluff.

And supervised access for a 6 month old who will have no clue who his dad is (sorry, but ykwim) and who has not been around enough to learn the essential skills to look after him - fine imo. Also he is keeping it to supervised access by hardly being around enough to progress the relationship with your son further.

What a cunt

Sorry that slipped out. I have father ishoos! [wink}

that's exactly what I think, no need to apologise ....!

I think you're right, he can ask me to be amicable and to start again all he likes, but until he sorts stuff out I'm going to be like a broken record.

why oh why were the last two guys I met complete and utter arseholes? Until four years ago I thought everyone was normal. What a wakeup call

the first one violent and the last one, well, just an idiot I guess

Crikey you've had a tough time. But in the great scheme of things, that must surely mean you're due a good 'un?!

Yes, remember he's a knob, keep a diary and log of everything and basically tell him that if he doesn't like what's on offer he can take you to court (because the courts do not look kindly on men who are obvious knobs using access as a means to further bully their XPs).
Don't try to put your case reasonably to this man because he is NOT REASONABLE. He just wants to jerk your chain, so the best way to deal with him is to refuse to engage. The sort of access that is generally regarded as acceptable with a young baby would be a couple of times a week, and it's perfectly OK for that access to be at a place of your choosing with a responsible person of your choosing there to make sure your XP doesn't forget to feed DS or anything.

agree dont meet up with him to 2talk" it jsut isnt worth it..

the only relationship worth building/facilitating is father /son.. for the ds sake....

the only thing you need todo right now is put in writing that you offering xxday and xx day at xx time, with xxx person prsent at xxx place say a cafe, library etc.

that is all.

anything to discuss eg finance suggest is done in writing.

they have tactics these people to draw you in to conversations....if you meet he will twist things round, blame you for everything etc.

I've also been watching your other threads. I would recommend doing what I do with my similar ex. We don't talk - never have. Everything is done in writing, by letter or text.

He does see DD every other weekend (he plays more subtle games, loves public displays of parenting) and we don't even make eye contact at handover, let alone talk.

A year on I've managed to disengage from some of the anger I feel. I'm not saying the anger you're feeling isn't justified, I would just use that energy in other ways.

I would pass the maintenance matter over to the CSA right away, especially if you think he might be hiding assets. Would you be eligible for legal aid? If so, I would start legal proceedings (this does not always mean court), but definitely not mediation. Have agreements of when, where and how he can see his son. Then if, for some unlikely reason, he still acts like an idiot, document it all. As your son is still so young, to some extent he can cope with arrangements changing or falling through.

my XP had been talking for a while about bringing an assessor to our house to assess whether he could have supervised access with DS, and said he was trying to organise a time that was convenient for him and the assessor to come down. On the advice of posters on mumsnet I asked which organisation they were coming from - and got no reply. I then rang CAFCASS, and they said that they don't use that terminology, and that an officer would only be sent to assess once this type of issue was going through the courts .... so he's lied again.

I can't believe that he thought the threat of an assessor would make me say yes to his demands, and that I wouldn't find out that it was a load of shit.

And this is the XP that I'm seeing on Sunday because he says he wants to start again.

He's a compulsive liar. Do I bring this up when we meet? I have a list as long as my arm of all his lies - it's getting ridiculous, I just don't know how to handle it.

why are you seeing him on sunday?

dont.

there is no point bringing any of this up.

there is no point meeting with him to "talk".

ask him to set out in writing what he wants in terms of contact with his child.

that's all.

the only reason I'm going is because following the fiasco when he came down to see DS, he rang and said (in his own annoying way) 'a couple of points have been brought to my attention which I feel I need to apologise for'. And so I felt like I needed to give him the chance to apologise, and also so that it doesn't get held against me in the future if I don't go.

I'm totally at a loss as to do, as soon as I don't make an effort to keep this on a civil level it will be held against me for ever. Some terrible things have already been said about my intentions and how I've made it 'difficult' for him to spend time with his son.

but I'm speaking to a lawyer (husband of a friend) this week who is going to tell me a bit more about what I should do.

But in terms of all the lying - he lies, I point it out, he refuses to discuss it.

And now his lies are blatant, and coming thick and fast.

Don't know what to do.

thing is - I know you're all right, I shouldn't bother going to speak to him, and I'm tempted just to get up and go as soon as he has apologised for whatever it is he wants to apologise for. But I'm also getting pressure from my parents to keep things civil and to take the moral high ground, because they are worried that he will twist things when, years down the line, he repeats the 'facts' to DS.

Hi, Just a little advise which you may or may not agree with, however much an arsehole you ex partner is, I would still allow him time to see his son, through experience I have seen what happens to children that dont get to see one of their parents through disagreements. I would suggest that you get a free half hour with a solicitor tell them that you want to be fair but you dont want your ex calling all the shots maybe define access with your ex partner so you both know where you stand. This will then be a routine for you and most important your child. If he then dose not stick to it then you can question it.

You don't really think he's going to give an apology, do you? or at least one that isn't so qualified that it's worthless. It's a pointless meeting, but I suppose you do need to be able to prove you were reasonable. Don't believe a word the bugger says though, and don't agree to anything on the spot. Personally I'd be telling him to talk to my solicitor, in writing. Reasonable doesn't have to mean compliant.

Doesn't matter what he tries to say to DS in a decade or so, either. He's likely to lie to him whatever you do or say anyway. So just do what you think is right.

thanks - just realised you're all so right - just e-mailed him to say that I'm going to go but on the proviso he discusses the outstanding issues.

I have also arranged a meeting with a specialist family law solicitor next week and have told him that if we can't resolve issues she will be taking it on from then onwards and correspondence between us will cease.

Phew.

Hopefully then she can deal with the idiot.

will there be a third party at this meting or will you record it?

otherwise you not proving anything if jsut you two - he can twist it how he likes later... so can you obviously but would be your word against his and vice versa.

have someone with you otherwise dont go.

yes my mum is coming to make sure. but he hasn't responded to my email saying that there's things we still need to discuss (surprise, surprise) - so i'm guessing i'll cancel it anyway, i'm not putting myself out anymore when it's all on his terms

just an update - the twat XP has just cancelled meeting up, he didn't say why he now couldn't make it - I guess he didn't want to have any discussions and so took the easy way out ... I don't actually care.

Solicitors on Wednesday.

Feel like a huge burden has lifted!

Thanks for all your support

chattymitchie, even though you're going to solicitors, keep recording anything he does/not does, especially if he tries to bypass solicitor.