Wish DP Would See My Side......Twat

[KAZAMM]

I don't post often but I'm so stuck and don't know what to do. Writing this out is gonna help though - I need to see things clearly.

My DP took our 5 month old DD through to his dad's last Friday to stay overnight. He didn't say this is what he was going to do because I was catching up on some sleep and he said he didn't want to wake me. I really wasn't happy because I think she's too little for overnight visits anywhere and he didn't even ask me what I thought. I woke up and she was already away. We didn't really talk for the rest of the night.

Next day he goes to pick her up in the morning and thinks I'm being still being unreasonable. When he gets back home I'm trying to explain to him that how much I missed her and I just don't want her to go overnight. He then said I was restricting access to his dad seeing DD which is bloody nonsence because he sees her every weekend and he pops in to see her during the week.

So DP says he's going to the pub all afternoon and will probably be out till early morning. I texted him to say I think he should come home in the evening to talk about things and he says that I must have a problem with his dad and dad's wife looking after our DD. I said I had no problem if they wanted her for an afternoon or whatever. I just felt that as she is only 5 months, overnight was too long a stay for me. DP replied that we had nothing to talk about, I should get over myself and that he would be taking our DD through to his dads to stay whenever they asked and that whatever I think about that doesn't matter.

All this time we were texting, he was at the pub with his dad and I know he told him that I wasn't happy with overnight stays. I'm not bothered about that but it's all been twisted to make it sound like I have a problem with his dad seeing his GC at any time which just is not true.

By the time it gets to Sunday and DP has slept off his hangover we finally get to talking face to face. He keeps on saying I'm the one with the problem and I'm trying to make him see my point of view which he just refuses to do. I tell him he never listens to me and I feel like he gives me no support whatsover. I'd had a really shitty week last week. I had gone to a funeral of my friends dad who I was really close to because he had become a sort of 2nd dad to me after my own dad died 7 years ago. DP didn't really acknowledge how I felt apart from 'oh that's kind of shit' type comment.

I did eventually get through to him that I'm finding looking after DD much tougher than I ever thought. I said I'm sick of well meaning advice and that I feel I'm being watched whenever we go through to his dads. DP also has a step sister who had a baby a couple of months before me. She stays next door to her mum who is DPs dad's wife. One time I mentioned I was looking forward to going back to uni in September and having something else to focus on and maybe feel like the old me again. They all looked at me as if I was some cold hearted bitch leaving my baby at nursery when she's 7 months old. DPs dad's wife is always giving advice and telling me what her DD is doing with her baby and I should do the same blah blah.

Anyway it's now all escalated to the point where now DP's dad thinks I don't want them to see DD and that I'm ungrateful because his dad paid for the deposit so we could own our own home.

The truth of it all is that I'm actually really unhappy. I feel like I'm not a good enough mum and I do resent it when I'm given advice because I feel like I'm being attacked. Looking after DD everyday can be great but so monotonous and then I feel guilty because it seems like DPs stepsister is able to cope and I just feel like I'm muddling through each day feeling anxious that I'm crap. I've told DP all this and now he is away through to his dad's "to get things sorted". Meanwhile I'm at home while they're all discussing this problem that is me.

Sorry this is long and rambling probably.

Can you talk to your DP's parents directly? Its all a bit chinese whispers at the moment. If you tell them what you've written here, I'm sure they would be supportive.

As for your DP. Well, its your choice and maybe he has other redeeming features, but if he shows you and your views on parenting your own child no respect, then he's not much use is he? Surestart run parenting courses if you think it might be useful for you to go together, so he can start thinking about parenting in an adult fashion, as something you need to agree on together.

You are a good enough mum by the way. Its completely normal to feel like this in the early months, so just hang on in there. Gets a lot easier when they grow up and can chat back to you (although a little bit too much of the back chat sometimes!).

This 'DP replied that we had nothing to talk about, I should get over myself and that he would be taking our DD through to his dads to stay whenever they asked and that whatever I think about that doesn't matter. ' would piss me off even without any other info.
She is your child too, DD's care is a matter for both of us and when we leave them with anyone we are both in agreement of it, I would be furious if DH decided my opinion of where my baby is was less important than his.

What you are feeling sounds totally normal btw, everyone feels a little paranoid about other people's opinion of how we are bringing up our children.

I agree that you should speak to your DP's dad and his wife yourself though to avoid confusion.

I think you might have a touch of pnd , you know. I think you should speak to your hv or GP first off. If you do have it it will make everything much harder to handle and to get in perspective.

Your DP shouldn't take the baby away overnight without your agreement but I have a feeing at the same time that his side of the story would put a different slant on things.

You should be involved in these discussions - don't let them exclude you.

you are NOT a bad mom,,wanting your DD with you and not feeling ok by her sleeping over is normal behaviour for a mother,i would not let my DD sleep over anywhere if she was five months,,she stays with me,sleepovers will come later,it also is difficult for you to be ok with it coz she is your first baby i assume,,

your DP needs to hear you out and take your concerns seriously,however i also think you should talk to them and let them know how you feel,,otherwise i agree with what lukewarm said,,good luck

Could your DP have had your interests at heart? In that he thought you needed a break?

I totally agree that 5 months is way too young. Am having exactly the same conversation with my XP who thinks I'm being unreasonable that he can't have the baby overnight. At the end of the day don't try to justify your decision - it doesn't matter what's best for your DP or his Dad - what matters is what's best for your DD, and what on earth does she gain from staying over at your DP's dad's house??!!!

When he can tell you why it's best for your DD to stay away for the night, then you can consider it. Whilst he's just thinking about what's best for his dad, then it's not a conversation worth having.

I think you need to speak to the in-laws directly. Explain to them that you are happy for them to have the baby for a couple of hours but are not ready for overnight stays.

Thanks so much for all your replies, it has really helped.

Lukewarm, you're right in that I really need to speak to his dad and stepmum about how I feel otherwise things get twisted. DP does have redeeming qualities he is very supportive practically but emotionally he's not so comfortable.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows, he did have my best interests at heart and I did need a break. I should have spoken to him about how I felt on the Friday when he told me the baby was away overnight. Instead I just gave him the cold shoulder and shut him out so that by Saturday afternoon I was even more wound up and DP was left wondering what was wrong.

We had a big talk last night and I told him how I really feel. I told him how I sometimes feel like I'm not coping when he's at work and that because his stepmum and stepsister are so good with DD I just feel totally inadequate next to them.

This past week has been such a struggle what with my friends dad's funeral. That has hit me really hard and brought back all the horrible feelings of when my own dad passed away. I told DP I feel so angry this has happened, they were both good men. Seven years on from losing my dad I still miss him so much and how unfair it is that he never got to see his first DGC.

Anyway msboogie I am definitely going to speak to my GP because I need some support or guidance. I feel like I've lost all perspective. I should be happy but I'm just not.

I personally dont see anything wrong with a baby staying with family at 5 months. I suppose I would be like him and wonder why you would mind as its good for the break, good for the child to have strong attachments to other family members etc. It isnt as bad as you think it would be.

Hmm. It could well be that the DP was well-intentioned but hadn't really thought it through (ie he wanted to give Kazam a break and a nice surprise).
Or it oculd be that DP and his family are all rather colluding to make Kazam 'know her place' and stop trying to have any opinions or a life of her own - that decisions are made without consulting her, that her ILs take over when she is there with her baby etc.

Kazaam, you poor love, it sounds like you've had a very hard week. I'm glad you've had a good chat and cleared the air, and hope you can do the same with the grandparents.

It does sound like clearer communication all round would help prevent things like this turning into 'issues', eg your dp telling you his plan to take dd to give you a break (then you could tell him if if was a good plan or not - I imagine I would be beside myself if anyone took one of my dcs without asking!), and with better communication maybe your dp and his parents can give you the support you need, rather than stumbling around actually making it worse!

Good luck with the grandparents, I'm sure they will understand (they've been through all this before themselves don't forget)

Goodness SGB, do you see the sinister in every situation? What a strange world to live in.

you might find some bereavement counselling helpful.
or just ask for referral to general counsellor to talk thngs thru - are you invovled with local sure start baby groups and things talk to otehr mums in RL, everyone feels inadequate at times , even if they seem to be coping so much better than you...

it is GREAt you have GPs who can/could take the baby for hours and even overnight - really you are very lucky!

and this can give you and H a nice night out sometime? but just say you will do that when you ready. if you can arrange time for GPs to have baby adn you adn H to spend time together then that would be really positive - if it ends up him out and you in separate then it wont be good long term...

but if baby is fine and will be cared for then baby will be fine .

LWCOT: Thing is, sometimes, when a person is in a situation where family members are trying to control him/her, it becomes very damaging for outsiders all to go oh shut up and count your blessings. And families do sometimes collude in domestic abuse.
By the sound of it, this isn;t what's happening here, which is good.