MIL-GRRRR

[jenk1]

The mil has been on the phone after having a sulk for 4 weeks with no contact cos DH wont run round after his brother giving messages, To cut a long story short she left DH and 2 brothers and sisters when they were very small and DH hasnt seen her for 15 years until march of this year when he got back in touch with her. I think she,s unstable and obsessive,at first i just thought she was happy cos DH and his brother were seeing her again but - the women feels no guilt over dumping 4 kids says it was DH,s fathers fault cos he wasnt working and was doing dodgy things so she had to leave, she is demanding obsessive ringing up and staying on the phone for 2 hours at a time always trying to get DH up to her house on his own and making him stay upwards of 5 hours,anyway DH brother is out of work and not on the phone and cos we live nearer she expects DH to drive the 3 miles everytime she wants to give his brother a message. Well DH had enough and stopped it, she didnt call for 4 weeks and was off when he rang her. She has now got over her sulk and phoneing up every day, DH has tried to put her off coming down cos she stays for HOURS so when he tells her he,s working late she phones to check with me,she keeps critisising my parenting and last night said "give that baby to her dad she wants her dad" when i was on the phone to her..dont know what to do she even checks when i take the kids round to my mums, at the moment the phone is unplugged as i cant cope with speaking to her...sorry for the rant makes me feel better getting it off my chest!

Keep focusing on the postive side of things. Your dh is obviously a stronger person due to his lack of family input/support. I know my dh strives to be a really good Dad and is determined our kids won't go through what he did. It's all very draining when you are going through it. I do think that people who can come across so cold and uncaring are usually never happy in their lives. Hope it gets sorted out for you all soon.

DH has decided to stop seeing MIL, he is going up tonite as she has some things of ours and then he is going to write her a letter, he was very upset last night, i told him about your DH and FIL and he just nodded, he phoned his dad and had a chat with him and his dad told him that MIL was a very selfish person and always had been, he also spoke to his sister and she said much of the same, what sort of things did your DH put in his letter as DH wants me to help him but i dont know where to start.
thanks for your help

Hi jenk1
I feel for your dh as I know what a hard decision it was for him. My dh just wrote that he felt they had nothing in common - no childhood history (my dh remembers very little of his dad living with him) so therefore he felt there was little connection. TBH he and his partner always made us very welcome and dh said this so it wasn't all bad but the basic message was that he felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere. There was other stuff not so good about the way he questioned our every move and had accused of us lying as I mentioned before. I think for us that was the last straw. Once FIl received the letter we had a phone call from his partner and then FIL turned up on our doorstep one day. DH turned him away and we've not heard from him since. I wish you and your dh lots of luck - it's not an easy thing to do but I think sometimes in life you have to be honest enough to stop something that is not going anywhere and it's obviously draining you all. Let us know how things go.

kazziegirl DH wrote a letter to MIL and posted it yesterday so she should have got it this morning, he said he couldnt accecpt her reasons for leaving him and his siblings just because his dad wasnt the perfect husband, he said she knew they were unhappy as teenagers but did nothing,and as i have already said she had 5 more children he feels like she has replaced him and the other 3, he also put about her stirring things between me and him and gossiping about his brother,his brother had told him earlier this week that she phones him up and calls me and DH, she has no loyalty and he told her he has no feelings and not to phone him again...

How did he feel once he'd sent it? It's such a sad thing to have to do. Is she likely to phone or write back to him? My FIL wrote a letter saying that when my DH became a Dad he would understand more about how FIL felt - what!!! I think when DH became a Dad he struggled even more to understand how his "dad" could do the things he did to his own children. I wish you and your DH all the best and hope you can move on without her being in your lives.

he felt sad that he,d had to do it and then angry cos of what she,s been like, he told me she,s been calling DS who has asperger syndrome she kept telling DH he was naughty,she was telling DH i said said things that DH knew werent true, she kept telling me things-gossiping and saying dont tell DH -as if so he said he knows he made the right decision, i think we will get a phone call or even a letter cos shes not the sort to go quietly...

just thought id give u an update kazzie, DH sent the letter and his stepsister came tearing down-in her nightie-to DH brother to show him the letter! what she expected him to do i dont know, apparantely step sister was going to ring him and tell him what she thought of him-him mum hiding behind her kids again, anyway DH brother,s girlfreind persuaded her not to but at the same time called DH a shtbag for doing what he did-its none of her business anyway, DH brother is now going to start seeing MIL again cos DH is out of the picture-he is jealous of DH and didnt like it that DH was seeing his mum as well. So the bitching will start again as BIL and SIL are really bad for that. In the meantime DH has had a heart to heart with FIL and FIl has told him all sorts from the past,everything MIL said FIL proved her wrong and had evidence, apparantly after not seeing the kids for nearly 2 years MIL decided to go for custody, the courts granted it to her ?!@ but she said to FIL i dont want them i only did it to get one over on you!, also MIL partner has served time for murdering a 17 year old girl,fraud,assault and he tried to -i dont know what the right word is -touch? DH sister when she was younger but there was no proof, we knew nothing about all this, MIL is an alcoholic which explains the state of the house-you would let animals live there, so i and DH are so glad we are out of there BUT, i think he should warn his brother but DH says he wont listen...what do u think?

Hopefully the worst is over and I'm so pleased your dh has had heart to heart with your fil. As for telling the brother, that's a difficult one. If you do tell he'll probably not believe you anyway and you'll be the scapegoat for the whole situation. Maybe sit tight and see how the relationship goes. Sounds like you are well out of it all for the time being.