dp drinking am i paranoid?

[usedtobe]

i feel so lost and confused
dp started to drink more and more
i was working evenings and after xmass he got into habbit of drinking half a bottle of vodka every friday night by himself so he would be pissed when i come home
now ive stopped evening work so he started to go out more mostly by himself to the social club whre his father drinks twice he didnt come home at all staying at his dad as he was to drunk to get himself home

we have been married for 6 years now and have ds soon to turn 4

dp has good job as well as political career and into training& working out

i have spoken to someone professional about this she said he probably used to abuse drink before and jumping into his old habits and not long till hell turn A
she insisted i ask him to stop drinking altogether HE REFUSES
he said he wont get drunk but will not stop drinking altogether
im afraid if he doesn't hell drink more and more
spoke to his mother today ( mother and father divorced but both drink every night)she said im going over the top and its ok if he drinks a beer every night after work
i now feel as i have no support hes whole family are drinkers and i will be the bad one

i feel so alone

You need support and Al-anon are good in that regard. I will put up their details for you separately.

Do you feel responsible for him?. What keeps you within this relationship now because it is not a healthy and functioning one by any means. Sometimes there are elements of co-dependency within such relationships; I would look into this as well.

You may well have married into a family of problem drinkers; it is no surprise at all that your H is now a drunkard and have said you are wrong. Also him being their son too, they will take his side and not yours. Alcoholism can also be a learnt behaviour.

The professional you spoke to was just simply wrong when she insisted that you ask him to stop drinking. He is certainly alcohol dependent and has been so for a long time now. ASking him to stop drinking is a complete waste of time; you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. His excuses and denials of the problem is just that - excuses and denial.

The only people you can help here is you and your son. This will not get better for either you or your son and he is also learning from both of you here. You have a choice re your H ultimately; your son does not and you really do not want to leave him such a potentially harmful legacy.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

Do contact Al-anon; they can help

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF

Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888
(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

Fax: 020 7378 9910

Email: [email protected]

thank you !
dp said if i want him to stop drinking totally we might as well go separate ways now, hell never stop and how DARE i to want him to change into someone hes not
this really hurts as if tables turned he though i had a drink problem (i i thought i didnt) i would stop drinking for sake of our family

this is even harder as i am not english and have no family here apart from my sister in liverpool

im just totally lost and cant believe i got myself im such a mess
im not working at the mo and wont be able to until September (childcare)we have joint finances and just dont know what to do

i will do my best to go to Al-Anon

I would also try and access as much support as you can locally. Council office and the Citizens Advice Bureau would be good places to try re housing and finances. You may not be english but do not let that fact stop you from making plans for a new life for yourself and your son.

I would take your man up on his "offer" to now go your separate ways. You and your son cannot remain within this situation any longer; he has made his choice and his choice is alcohol. He will never change.

You can call Al-anon too.

we live in council house and i made it clear to him i would stay here and he would have to move out if we split

im not sure i would want to stay here if we split though
i wouldn't have any family left here and its a lonely life being alone 24/7
i feel heartbroken he basically chose booze over us

eleanor-
imo drinking that amount of vodka sitting alone in the house is sad and unnecessary
i think its a lot

and a beer after work wouldnt bother me if he wouldnt drink so much at the weekned
fact is hangover next day we dont do anything together as a family as he cant be bothered to

he just cannot stop himself if he goes to pub he will drink untill hes totally p*ed or has run out of money
if we are there together with ds it basicly means i have make my way home by myself as he wont leave with us
if we are at home and he has drinking hat on hell drink everything and go out for more

it wouldnt bother me if we went out together and had a good time
but when its a family thing and he cant stop and im left going home with ds and hes in the pub i dont think thats normal

there is no going out for A DRINK
he wont have a couple of pints and stop

i dont think im being unreasonable

the professional doesnt know him and she did say its difficult to say without meeting him
but from what she was saying it matched whats happening..

He sounds like a drunk.

I am an ex-drunk and am basing my assessment on that.

Happy to discuss further.

MIFLAW,
whats next? do i go or do i stay?

Given such a choice I'd leave him though that can be far easier said than done. But leave you must; you will get dragged down with him otherwise.

Children who grow up with homes where one parent is an alcoholic can leave them with all sorts of emotional problems which may only become apparant in adulthood.

i came to that conclusion myself, hes not willing to get help
i checked csa nad whet i would be entitled to and providing i can get a job when ds does more hrs at nursery in sept we would be financially ok
lonlyness is a scary thought though, im so far away from my family

I can't tell you whether to go or stay.

I can tell you that, unless he takes action on this - and only he can decide to do this - drink will remain his absolute priority. At best, he will find compromise solutions to fit his family in around his drinking.

Typically, too, it gets worse - it rarely stays the same and almost NEVER gets better without action.

If my diagnosis is correct, I think you would be reasonable to base your decisions on those assumptions.

thank you
unfortunatelly he refuses to seek help, denies there is a problem (apart from me being paranoid)
now he wants to go out together and i just cant face it, ill be the misery guts dragging him home , no thanks
hes behaving like everythings ok and i cant

Like I say, it's not for me to say whether you should go or stay. But perhaps it might help both of you to start being honest with him. When you say, "I don't want to go out with you," perhaps say explicitly "it's because I don't want to be with you when you are drinking because you annoy and embarrass me." He will of course try to convince you that you are wrong so point out thta he is entitled to his opinion but that that won't change your feelings, which are anger, shame and embarrassment (or whatever they are.)

In his head, this is a discussion about whether or not he drinks too much against some mythical social barometer. You need to start bringing it home to him that this is really a discussion about whether or not he drinks too much for his family to find tolerable.

Family as in you and his son, not his mum etc.

Also his employers - they will not be as blind to it as he believes. If he disagrees, call his bluff - ask him to ask his immediate boss directly if he feels your husband drinks too much and/or if it ever has an impact on his work. Of course, yout husband will refuse, but again it will close the net a little bit.

"dp said if i want him to stop drinking totally we might as well go separate ways now, hell never stop and how DARE i to want him to change into someone hes not"

I think he's telling you the truth here. You are not as important to him as booze is. I know how much that realisation hurts. I've been in the same situation. It's very important for you to know that this isn't because of YOU, it's because of HIS alcohol problem.

It doesn't matter what you do or don't do. It doesn't matter what you say or don't say. He's got a drink problem. It's not something YOU can fix for him.

The question you need to ask yourself is if being in a relationship with someone who cares less about you than their next drink is good enough for you. I'd also recommend Al-Anon as they can really help.

i know i need to go to al anon but have noone to leave ds with
im just so sad it has come to this

especially as hes trying to make out its my fault, im unreasonable paranoid and its my nagging got us into this situation
and everybody drinks ?!?!
last night he said we have both changed!
oh yes i actually grew up (got married @19) and am a mother now so MY priorities have changed
im sorry it in hes eyes means im mumsy and boring

funny thing is he was the one pushing me into having kids (hes 7y older) but now IM BORING come on!

oh yes and he also said that me accusing him of having drink problem is like him saying i have problem with drugs.. i said actually no because i would let him test me and go to professional for help if he asked me to for the sake of the family where he has refused to do anything

im so tired of it now i think i want him to go now but its a scary thought being alone

i will really struggle with money though as i stopped working in june
ds will do more hrs@ nursery from sept so i have been looking, i look on websites every day and have registered with all agencies around here..im also waiting for results of my accounting exams and pray for pass!

his employers- i dont think they know.. he tends to leave sunday for recovery
he did get p*ed on xmass do but he always says 'everybody does it' so its ok

Of COURSE they bloody know!

With your son at the age he is, you will probably find people don't mind if you take him with you to meetings, provided he's quiet (preferably asleep).

Also some meetings have creches.

Exactly. You've grown up and matured, as most people do. You have accomodated the changes and responsibilities that come with having children, as most parents do. People with alcohol (or other drug problems) don't. They don't mature emotionally and they don't do well with responsibilities.

Him saying that he could accuse you of drug problems is him attempting to take the spotlight off of his drink problems. Deep down he knows, or at least is afraid of discovering, that he's got a problem with booze. Talking about it will make him very uncomfortable. So he will do his best to get the conversation off of the topic of his drinking and on to anything else. An effective way for him to do that is to throw accusations around and blame you for everything. It's all bollocks.

To be honest there's very little point discussing his drinking with him. It will just cause an argument and it won't get you anywhere. If he tries to kick off an argument when he's been drinking then the best tactic is to simply say "I don't wish to talk about this right now" and then leave the room. There's no point comparing how you would deal with this issue versus how he is dealing with it. You're not him. His choices are his responsibility. Your choices are yours.

Whether his employers know he's got a problem or not is difficult to say. But drink problems almost always get worse and worse and worse. His employers may not know anything right now, but one day they will.

oh i dont know if they do
he had health problems before and shouldnt be drinking anyway because of medication hes on
hes very busy: works full time and is into politics and goes to gym..
like last night he got home @6 had dinner left@7 to a meeting didnt get back till 9

now if it was me i would just want to sit on a sofa and watch some tv
he goes out and buys beer, and our 'discussion' about it was excellent excuse to saty up drink 2 big bottles of beer and 2 bottles of cider (cider was for me but i didnt want it)

and another thing that annoys me: spending money: he moans if i buy stuff for ds, last week i bought ds a scooter thingy £20, dh is questioning my why the hell am i buying ds presents? (i got my last wage that month so i did in theory bought it with MY money)
hello hes 3.5 its not a present he NEEDS one

but spending£££££ in a pub is ok?

im on a rant now!

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. You're on your own now actually. Being with him now actually stops you eventually meeting someone else.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. His primary relationship is with alcohol. Not you or for that matter your child.

You will continue to be dragged down by his alcoholism the longer you remain within this and it will also affect your child. Not a legacy you want to leave this little boy of yours. You have a choice re your H, your little boy does not. He does not need a drunkard as a father figure, growing up in a household where a parent is a drunkard will bring with it all sorts of problems for this young person.